I was planning to do one of the other activities, but the “choose a direction in an unfamiliar part of the trail” became a necessity. Hurricane Helene recently came through our area, and the trails I know in my favorite nature preserve were blocked due to safety hazards. I thought about those questions in the Challenge guide: “What fears are holding me back from healing after the abortion(s)? How can I take one step forward, even if I don’t know where it will lead?” I thought about how I need to talk about it to work through all I’m feeling, but I don’t want anyone to know about my abortion. I’m afraid of their reactions, what they might say, how they might treat me differently. I’m honestly also afraid of getting into my own head. I know I just keep pushing things down so I don’t have to deal with the relationship or my feelings about it and the abortion.

As I kept walking, and walking, and walking - because I didn’t know where I was going or where this trail would lead, I felt tension rising. My heart was starting to beat faster - and not because I was doing an invigorating hike. I started thinking, What if I never find my way out of here? What if I don’t have a cell signal? What will I do when it gets dark soon? Then I saw this blaze. While I hadn’t been on the yellow trail before, that blaze reminded me that someone had. Probably many someones. And there is a path through, I just need to keep moving forward. And maybe ask for help when I spot someone else farther ahead of me on this trail. And I realized, the same is true for healing after abortion. Other people have been angry and scared and hurting - like me. I think my “one step forward” is to finally call the After Abortion Line, talk to someone anonymously, and get some help. Oh, and it took awhile - and asking for help from another hiker - but eventually I got back to a familiar part of the nature preserve!

I’m a healing group facilitator, leading small groups of women who want help after experiencing abortion. They struggle with depression, anger, grief, isolation, shame – all the different emotions mentioned in this 5 in 5 Nature Healing Challenge. I’m going to share the Challenge with my current group, but I decided to try it myself. I went to a favorite nature spot expecting to walk for my usual 45 minutes. I saw so many scenes and had great inspirations for what the women may find and think about when they do the challenge. So why a picture of my shoes? Because I got lost. I went down an interesting trail, which led to another trail I haven’t been on before, until I realized I didn’t know where I was or how to get back. As I took more unhelpful turns, I got more stressed. Until I asked a couple I met. Thankfully, they were avid hikers in this park and knew the trails really well. I was thankful not only for their guidance, but also for their advice that I would pass a few other paths that would also get me back to where I wanted to be, but they would take more time and be a harder hike. When I finally reached my destination, 2.5 hours after I started, I felt such relief and gratitude for their help. It made me think about the women who are dealing with tough emotions and situations after abortion - and the long paths some of their lives take before they reach out for help - and the relief and joy they feel as they share their stories, work through their emotions, and come out stronger, more confident, and in a healthier emotional space.

I heard water racing as I approached this area. I stood there listening to the water rush over the log as it found a path through the sticks around it. And I watched the ripples it caused in the water on the other side. I thought about how that rushing water is like the healing I need to let find a way through my pain. I thought about what those ripples could be in my life if I could get that healing - the calming of my anger, the comfort for my sadness, the improvement in my relationships… After I stood there pondering for a while, I decided to walk on. As I passed, I looked back at the little waterfall. It was only then that I saw that the water was finding its way through a ton of debris that was in front of the log blocking the flow. We’d just had a big storm, which caused a lot of damage. I just stopped and stood there as I realized this really was a metaphor for my life. Everything that led up to my abortion and my emotions and everything I’ve been dealing with since were like an unexpected and unwelcome storm in my life. And they have left a ton of debris blocking my path forward. Somehow I need to remove at least enough debris that the healing water can find a path through, flow over me, and bring those ripples of renewal. I watched the first Keys to Hope and Healing video tonight, and I’m going to read the chapter tomorrow. I’m hoping working through this program will help me move out some of that debris.