After abortion, “I’m fine” may not be the whole story. It may protect your privacy—or hide a deeper struggle. Learn how to check in with yourself, cope in healthier ways, and find support.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
It’s one of those exchanges we barely think about. A coworker asks in the hallway. A friend texts. Someone at church stops to say hello. The cashier asks how your day is going.
Sometimes “I’m fine” is exactly what you mean.
Sometimes it’s just the easiest answer you have.
Singer Kyle Hume captures that feeling in his song Fine. He describes feeling overwhelmed, losing sleep, and feeling the pressure of keeping everything inside. He says, “Yeah I’m fine.” Then comes a small realization: “Well maybe I’m not.”
If you’ve struggled emotionally after abortion, you may recognize that gap between how you appear to other people and what you’re actually carrying inside.
One woman told us that she was experiencing intense grief, regret, sadness, and guilt after an abortion. She said she was finding “zero joy in anything” and struggling with basic daily needs.
“I went to a gathering this weekend. People asked if I was ok and I said yes, but in reality, I felt isolated in my thoughts and I just couldn’t wait to leave.”
She answered the question. Yet there was much more happening underneath her “I’m okay.”
Hume says to himself,
“Yeah I’m fine.
If ‘F’ is for feeling overwhelmed.
And ‘I’ is for ‘I’m not alright.’
Yeah I’m fine.
If ‘N’ is for not being able to sleep,
‘E’ for every night.”
Maybe you’ve felt the same way, saying you’re fine while feeling overwhelmed and struggling with hard emotions. Maybe you feel sad, depressed, anxious. Maybe you feel angry, betrayed, or lonely. Maybe you’re having a hard time sleeping or eating or working or even getting out of bed. These are all common things people tell us they’re going through after abortion.
Sometimes, they start the conversation with, “I am not okay, but no one knows. I tell people I’m fine.”
Why You May Keep Your Feelings Private After Abortion
After abortion, people can have many reasons for keeping their experiences or emotions private.
You may wonder how someone will react. Maybe you’re afraid they’ll judge you. You might feel protective of your relationship, your family, your career, or another part of your life. Maybe talking about the abortion(s) feels intensely vulnerable. Maybe you’re still trying to understand how you feel yourself.
Choosing privacy in a particular situation can be a wise and healthy form of self-protection. After all, you get to decide who knows your abortion story. You also get to decide who has access to your emotions, thoughts, and grief.
One woman put it simply:
“I’ve told a few people, but I can’t trust everyone with that knowledge.”
Another woman said:
“I know I am loved, but I can’t talk with my friends or family about this. I’m afraid of telling any of them and I can’t quite understand why. But it makes me feel isolated.”
Men may protect their feelings in different ways, too—often leaning into their role supporting others.
“Watching her take the pill completely destroyed me and I was immediately overcome with a mix of sadness and anger. But I focused on taking care of her, and just said I was fine.”
Even a year later, when she was struggling emotionally, he said, “I thought it was my job to do my best to console her, while holding in my feelings.”
Sometimes keeping everything inside starts to become a pattern:
“I’m very sad, but try not to cry. I’m trying to act like nothing’s wrong. My mom is supportive, but she had two abortions and bottles up her feelings as well, so I can’t really talk to her about this much. We both always act like we’re okay even though we’re not. I don’t let anyone see how I feel, but I’m having a hard time hiding it.”
“The me everyone sees has it all together, is funny, calm, and solid. But the me inside is falling apart, sad, and depressed since the abortion. I just keep pushing it down. Sometimes at home I just sleep, mindlessly scroll, or drink.”
Privacy can be healthy. Boundaries can be healthy. The picture can change when keeping your feelings to yourself becomes your usual way of getting through things—even with people you trust, or when you’re alone with yourself.
Research shows that when suppressing emotions becomes a habit, it can be associated with more emotional distress, less connection with others, and decreased well-being.
When Pretending You’re Fine After Abortion Takes a Lot of Energy
One woman, approaching what would have been her due date, described trying to keep up with daily life while her emotions became harder to manage:
“I don’t really have anyone to turn to for help with this while trying to show up in my everyday life as normal. I don’t want to burden them, but pretending I’m fine takes so much energy.”
That may be a helpful question to ask yourself:
How much energy is “fine” taking right now?
Sometimes the cost of always appearing fine is more than energy and exhaustion. When the gap between “how I look” and “how I feel” grows wider or lasts for a long time, you may begin to feel unseen, lonely, or less connected to others. Keeping things to yourself can become so automatic that you stop asking whether you want to share and simply get used to minimizing or setting aside your feelings and struggles. And when that happens, some of your needs may stay unspoken—and therefore unmet. If everyone around you thinks you’re fine, they may not realize you would welcome support, company, or understanding.
Another woman described the disconnect this way:
“To act like nothing is wrong and nobody knowing the truth is so strange.”
How Am I Really Doing After Abortion?
Sometimes, even when we ask ourselves Am I okay?, we may tell ourselves, Yeah, I’m fine.
It can even become almost second nature—as it did for one woman who reached out to our After Abortion Line and first said, “I’m fine.” Then later she shared, “This is a lot for me and I’m having a hard time talking about it.”
Consider checking in with yourself a little differently than simply asking “Am I okay?”
One place to start is by asking what “I’m fine” is doing for you:
- When do I notice myself saying or pretending I’m fine?
- Why am I doing it in that situation?
- What might “I’m fine” be protecting me from right now?
- Where might I feel safe enough to be more honest?
Then, separately ask yourself: How am I actually doing?
If you’re wondering whether you’re actually doing okay after abortion, it may help to look at how you’re functioning—not just whether you can get through the day.
- How am I sleeping lately?
- How difficult does an ordinary day feel?
- What happens when something reminds me of the abortion(s)?
- Are there people, places, dates, memories, or conversations I keep avoiding?
- Have I started relying more on alcohol, food, sleep, scrolling, staying busy, or other ways of coping?
- Am I filling every available minute to keep busy so my mind stays occupied?
- Do my feelings sometimes hit much harder than I expect?
- Have I been pulling away from people who usually matter to me?
- How much energy am I spending trying to seem okay?
- Is there something I wish someone understood about what I’m going through?
You could also make the check-in simpler:
On a scale of 1–5, how am I really doing today?
You might give yourself a number for your emotions, a number for sleep, for connection with other people, for your ability to manage daily life, or for ways of coping.
We’ve used this approach in after-abortion support because “How are you doing emotionally?” can bring an automatic “fine.” Giving yourself a scale can provide something more concrete to think about.
Coping With Difficult Emotions After Abortion
Having some harder and some better days is normal. Sometimes feelings have different intensity at different times.
One client described how her feelings vary:
“Most days I’m fine, and other days it eats me up.”
On her better days, she really did feel fine. On the harder days, the feelings could be much more intense.
When emotions feel heavy, most of us reach for something that helps us get through the moment. Some ways of coping can help you feel steadier and more connected. Others may only bring short-term relief.
You might notice that some habits only seem to help or might only help for a little while:
“I try to push down my emotions by drinking and it’s only caused me to feel worse.”
“Some days are easier to get through than others. I try to busy myself, to distract myself … but I fear that’s a terrible long-term plan.”
You might check in with yourself about the ways you’re coping, too:
- What helps me feel a little steadier after a hard moment or day?
- Am I making room for things that help—movement or exercise, journaling, music, prayer or meditation, time outside, a supportive person, counseling, or a self-guided resource?
- Am I staying constantly busy so I don’t have time to think?
- Have alcohol, substances, food, sleep, scrolling, or other habits started playing a bigger role in how I get through the day?
- Am I pulling away from people or things that usually help me or that I usually enjoy?
- When something gives me relief, how do I feel afterward—more settled, about the same, or worse?
You Can Give Different People Different Answers
Honesty with yourself and privacy with other people can exist at the same time. You decide who feels safe and comfortable to share with—and when and how much of your story you want them to know.
When you’re responding to that check-out clerk or another stranger, you might just say:
“I’m hanging in there. How are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
Remember you don’t owe everyone the truth, and people usually ask “How are you?” out of routine politeness. It’s perfectly fine to simply respond with a routine “fine.”
When you want privacy with someone you know, you might say:
“I’m taking things one day at a time. What have you been up to?”
“It’s been a week, but I’m getting through it. What did you do this week?”
Adding a question to your response is a useful way to protect your privacy. It can deflect the conversation away from you and encourage them to talk instead.
With someone you trust a little more, you might try:
“I’ve actually been having a harder time than I’ve let on.”
“There’s something I’m trying to work through.”
“I’m having a rough day.”
Depending on the person or their response, you might add:
Would you like to grab a pizza? (or coffee, or whatever fits you)
Do you have time to chat?
Could we just hang out for a while?
You can even tell someone that you’re hurting while keeping the reason private:
“I’m dealing with something painful, and I could really use a friend today.”
“I’m dealing with something I’m not ready to talk about. But I could really use a distraction. Want to ________ (go running, play basketball, see a movie … whatever works for you).
And when you find a person or place where you want to share more:
“I’m struggling with some things connected to an abortion I experienced.”
“I think I need someone to talk to.”
“I’m not sure what I need yet. Could you listen?”
You can begin with one piece of the story.
You Can Start Healing Privately, Too
Sharing with another person is one option. You can also begin privately.
One client told us:
“I’m not ready to talk about my abortion experiences yet, so being able to go through the Keys to Hope & Healing program on my own is just what I need now.”
Another described working slowly through Keys to Hope and Healing and journaling about how she felt at each step.
Maybe writing feels safer right now. You might journal, work through a self-guided resource, write down what you’re feeling when it comes up, or simply answer some of the check-in questions in this article privately.
You can acknowledge what’s happening inside without being ready or wanting to share it with someone else.
When Emotional Pain After Abortion Includes Suicidal Thoughts
In his song, I Am Not Okay, Jelly Roll says “…if I say I’m fine, just know I learned to hide it well.” He talks about moving from losing sleep and barely getting by into a much darker thought: some days, he feels he’d be “better off laying in that dirt.” He describes himself as “holding on for dear life.”
If thoughts of suicide are part of what you’re carrying right now, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you may act on those thoughts or you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or go to an emergency room.
Sometimes a person says directly that they are having thoughts of suicide. Other times, they may say something like: “I’m having really dark thoughts.” “The guilt is too much.” “What’s the point anymore?” “I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
One client described the painful space between wanting to die and wanting relief from the life she was living:
“I don’t want to end my life. But I also don’t want to keep living.”
Another shared how secrecy was weighing on her:
“Sometimes, I feel like dying is the solution just so I won’t carry the secrecy forever.”
Another woman, only a few days after her abortion, told us she was having thoughts of harming herself for the first time in her life. She said,
“I don’t plan to do anything, but I want to know how to stop the thoughts.”
A man who reached out nine months after his partner’s abortion described daily anxiety, depression, fear, and overwhelming guilt. He later shared:
“I’ve even had thoughts about suicide … I don’t even deserve to be alive …”
Suicidal thoughts can also vary in intensity. You may have a night when the pain feels unbearable. The next morning may feel different. A few days later, you may be functioning again. And on the better days, you may wonder whether those thoughts were really that serious.
Thoughts of suicide can take different forms and vary in intensity. Licensed counselor and suicide-care expert Dr. Amy Vogel explains that suicidal thoughts can range from wishing you were dead or could go to sleep and not wake up to active thoughts about ending your life. And all of those moments are worth paying attention to.
That means you may find yourself wondering:
Does this really count as suicidal thoughts?
Am I actually in danger?
Other people probably have it worse.
I feel better today. Maybe it wasn’t that serious.
You don’t have to sort those questions or your thoughts out by yourself. A counselor or crisis professional is trained to listen, ask questions, and help you get support.
👉Support resources you might find helpful:
— 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | 988
— Mental Health Hotline | 866-903-3787
— Support After Abortion Provider Directory – search for a counselor or therapist
When You Tell Someone About Suicidal Thoughts
One fear may be simply: What happens if I say it out loud?
A counselor or crisis professional may ask a few direct questions about what the thoughts are like and whether you feel you might act on them. This helps them understand what kind of support you need and what can help you stay safe.
They may help you notice what tends to happen before the thoughts get stronger, what helps you get through those moments, people or places that help you feel less alone, who you can contact, and what could make your surroundings safer.
You can work through those pieces together, one at a time.
When thoughts become intense, the immediate goal isn’t solving everything that hurts or figuring out the rest of your life. It’s mainly to get through this stretch safely, with support around you.
That might include staying connected with another person, going somewhere you feel safer, or working with a counselor or crisis professional on what may help you through those difficult moments.
When You Want to Let Someone In
Support can make a difference wherever you are struggling. Maybe what you’re carrying is grief, anger, guilt, or anxiety. Maybe it’s sleeping too much or not sleeping enough. Maybe it’s isolation, relationship strain, coping habits that aren’t helping, or simply exhaustion from pretending you’re okay.
Maybe pretending takes too much energy.
Maybe staying busy keeps certain thoughts away for a while, and they keep returning.
Maybe you’re tired of feeling alone with something that no one else can see.
Maybe a part of you wants somebody to know.
Hume eventually reaches that small shift: “Yeah I’m Fine. Well maybe I’m not and I just need to tell someone I’m not alright.”
People who reach out to us often begin just as simply:
“I need help.”
“I’ve been having a really hard time.”
“I need someone to talk to.”
Letting someone in can be selective. It might mean finding one person or one place where you can share a little more of what you’re going through.
Maybe your first sentence is:
“I’ve been having a harder time than I’ve let on.”
Maybe it’s:
“I don’t know how to talk about this.”
Maybe it’s:
“I think I need some help.”
Or maybe today it’s simply:
“I’m not okay.”
You can start there.
Finding After-Abortion Support When You Don’t Know What You Need
If what you’re carrying is connected to abortion, the After Abortion Line is a place you can start. You can share as much or as little as you’re comfortable sharing. We’ll listen, and we can help you connect with a support option that fits what you prefer—whether that’s something you can work through privately, one-on-one support, a group, or professional counseling.
Even “I’m having a hard time and I’m not sure what I need” is enough to begin.
Ways to Contact the After Abortion Line:
- Call or text 844-289-HOPE (4673)
- Reach out online at supportafterabortion.com
- Reach out via email
If you’d rather begin privately, you can also explore self-guided healing resources in our Abortion Healing Center.
“I’m Fine” May Still Be Your Answer
There may still be plenty of times when “I’m fine” is exactly what you want to say—to the cashier, coworker, nosy friend or relative, or anyone else you don’t want to get into a conversation with about how you’re really doing. And at the same time, you can be honest with yourself and know how you’re actually doing.
Maybe you write something down. Maybe you work through a resource privately. Maybe you change how you’re getting through the hard days. Maybe you let one safe person know a little more. Maybe you ask for help.
In Fine, Hume reaches the moment when “I’m fine” becomes “Well maybe I’m not.”
Sometimes that small bit of honesty is enough to begin.
© Support After Abortion
P.S. If You’re Worried About Someone Else
If someone you care about says they’re fine, respect the answer they give you while leaving the door open. You might simply say, “I’m glad to hear that. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.” Being a consistent, safe person can give them room to share more—if and when they want to.
Pay attention to the other things they say, too. “I’m having really dark thoughts.” “The guilt is too much.” “What’s the point anymore?” “I just don’t want to be here anymore.” Language like that can be a reason to check on their safety.
You can ask directly:
“When you say you don’t want to be here anymore, sometimes people mean they’re having thoughts of suicide. Is that happening for you?”
Or,
“Have you been thinking about suicide?”
The way we ask matters: if the question sounds like we expect the answer to be no (like, “You’re not suicidal, are you?”), people may not share what they’re really feeling. A direct, open, nonjudgmental question can help create a safe space for the person to share.
Some people worry that asking directly might plant thoughts of suicide, but Dr. Vogel explains that asking directly about suicide doesn’t put the idea in someone’s head. It can let them know that it’s okay to talk about what they’re experiencing and that help is available.
If they say yes, stay with the conversation and help them connect with support. If they may be in immediate danger, you can call or text 988 with them, or call 911 for a life-threatening emergency. For more information, visit 988lifeline.org.