INTRODUCTION
“We are going to talk about Unraveled Roots for Men: Four Causes of Damaging Behaviors. We’re going to talk about this in what I would like to call an intensive kind of way. In other words, we’re going to do a little bit of a deep dive into the book. We thought it made sense to really help you understand what this resource is and why it’s important for the men that you serve,” says Greg Mayo, Men’s Healing Strategist, to introduce the webinar.
Greg primes the meeting with a quote from Dr. Made, “Children do not get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they are alone with the hurt.” He leaves this quote on the screen for a bit for the audience and himself to have on their minds as he begins to dive into the material.
Greg states that over the years he has talked to countless men, and the majority of them feel that they are alone. They state their experiences are just specific to them. Their trauma, hurt, and pain are only known by them with no one to support them.
“Unraveled Roots for Men goes into a lot of those ideas and concepts that cause the trauma, that cause the pain, that cause the hurt,” Greg says, “but we help men find that they’re not alone, that they can heal and move forward in a healthy and productive way.” Greg then circles back to Dr. Made’s words that being alone in their hurt is why children get traumatized.
Greg proceeds with the conversation talking a bit about the “how” and “why” behind Unraveled Roots for Men. He speaks of how well received the original Unraveled Roots book by Karen Barbido, Melinda Means, and Lisa Rowe has been. “It was such a benefit and a blessing to so many in their journey,” he said. “It impacted men and women, both.”
He mentions that early last year the Support After Abortion team identified that there would be major benefits in providing an Unraveled Roots version specifically for men. Greg states that men and women often think, feel, and process life decisions, events, and emotions differently.
He points out that they heal differently, as well. “So we thought it made sense to put together a book that’s really, in “guy speak,” he said. “It follows the same framework as the original Unraveled Roots geared toward men.”
Greg reminds providers who use Keys to Hope and Healing and other abortion healing resources with men and women that it’s never just one thing that individuals are dealing with.
He demonstrates this thought by saying, “If a man comes in, and he’s abortion-minded or abortion-wounded, that’s a thing. But there is a path, and a lot happened along the path to get him to that place where he’s abortion-minded or abortion-wounded. And we need to have resources that can help him get in touch with where it began, get in touch with the root causes.” He says that’s what Unraveled Roots is about.
Greg mentions he has seen men come in presenting struggles such as addiction, abandonment, and other issues. “A lot of therapists validate this too,” he said. ”They will come in presenting a particular issue. And when they deal with that issue – abandonment, abuse, addiction, whatever it may be – then that’s when they get in touch with their abortion. It’s truly never just one thing.”
Greg states that Unraveled Roots is not the “beginning and end of recovery,” but it’s another tool to have for healing.
VIDEO SERIES
Greg shares that men are leaning more towards self-guided resources. And he explains this is why Support After Abortion offers an audiobook for Unraveled Roots for Men, as well as a self-guided video series for clients. A Facilitator Guide and facilitator training videos are also available. Greg explains that having client videos on our website, SupportAfterAbortion.com, and BrightCourse is a benefit for men for many reasons including not needing to attend classes either in-person or even virtual. Being able to go through it independently is important for men.
Greg introduces a clip from the video series. You can watch it here at 5:31 in the video replay of this webinar.
The snippet shows a bit of what to expect in the video series. He explains that the man shown was an actor, as were the others who portrayed the men’s personal stories from the book.
“All people, to an extent, but certainly men to a great deal, relate through story,” Greg says. “And that’s why the story portion was so important.” He explained that having the stories told with men shown in real, every-day life settings helps guys relate to the content.
“Every man, whatever I do, whatever my job is, whoever I am, whatever age I am,” he said, “I can relate to the story.”
CHAPTER FRAMEWORK
Greg explains the layout of the chapters that is used throughout the book. “The first part is The Root of ____. So, The Root of Abandonment, The Root of Abuse, the Root of Addiction,” he said. “And we talk about what that particular topic is.” He explains that very clear, understandable, approachable, conversational language was used intentionally so guys could read it and feel like it’s meant for them.
Referring to the video clip shown earlier, Greg says the true story helps to relate to the truth of the topic, with a guy sharing how he was impacted by abandonment, or abuse, etc.
Greg continues with explaining the next session called Digging Deeper. While the questions are different in each chapter, the goal is to state the facts without blame or condemnation, just facts. What happened?
“What really happened? Oh, my dad left. Okay. That’s a fact,” Greg says. “It’s important to start with the fact because we have to start with a foundation of truth, a true, honest understanding of what it is that happened.”
Next, we “expose the lie” Greg says. We have looked into the facts of what happened, and then we explore the lies we believed.
“My dad and mom divorced when I was six and my dad left and I didn’t say much for about eight years. That’s a fact,” Greg says. “The lie I believed is that Dad left because I wasn’t good enough. Or that I was bad. Or that he didn’t love me. Or that he didn’t want to be around. Right? So that’s the lie.” He says we have to first state the lie that we have gotten ourselves to believe based on facts.
The next step is to acknowledge the behavior. Greg says we have the fact of what happened, the lies we believed based on the fact. Now we must ask, How did that impact our behavior? How did that impact our choices? How did that impact our lives going forward and maybe even still today? He urges that it is all about being open and honest with ourselves.
The fourth thing we will dive into is to embrace the truth. He uses the example of “I’ve dealt with the facts of what happened and the lies I believed and how those beliefs impact my behaviors. What’s the truth? What’s the truth about me? About who I am? About what I experienced in this situation, right? about what happened. Is it my fault?” A lot of kids believe that traumas and experiences that they have when they’re children are their fault, Greg shares. “That’s embracing the truth. And there’s a freedom in that,” Greg continues
Greg summarizes the four steps – stating the facts , exposing the lie, acknowledging the behaviors, and embracing the truth – and says, “We have found a “beautiful freedom” in that.”
The final step is to change the behavior. “We all experience different things, and in different ways, and at different levels,” Greg says. “And everybody’s journey is different. Mine’s different than anybody out here, and each one of you” is different. He emphasizes that after working through all the previous steps, ultimately our task is to change our behavior.
He reiterates that the consistent chapter format allows men to have a comfortable and known framework – to know what’s ahead of them. It allows us to take the issues one at a time and work through them in a logical fashion leading to an opportunity to change.
Greg mentions that next we talk about choosing to connect and the many layers attached. He explains it can mean different things for different people. “ Part of this was connecting the dots in my life, right? You can almost think about whiteboarding, laying it out, connecting the dots, and seeing what affected what.”
He speaks of his personal experience that you can watch here at 11:46 . Where he realized he was connecting the dots of past trauma to modern hurt.
Another thing about connecting is connecting with others. “You might find out through reading this book that you suffered some sort of abuse as a child that you weren’t consciously aware of, or you maybe had kind of tucked away in a closet,” Greg said. “So now, you need to connect with other healing. That’s an important part of the process, because it’s never just one thing, right? And recovery and healing are a lifelong journey.”
FInishing outlining the format of the chapters, Greg speaks briefly about “The LightThrough the Branches” in each chapter that features another man’s story. It is a story about healing, where he found peace and healing on the other side of what he experienced. Sharing stories about pain and how people have found hope and healing allows other men to relate as they navigate their own struggles.
CHAPTER 1 HIGHLIGHTS: WHY AM I HERE?
Greg explains that chapter one, “Why Am I Here?” sets the stage for the journey we will take on the book. “Again, we’re guys, we like to know what’s coming, right? But it’s not a rigid thing. It’s more like giving you a map, right? Remember MapQuest? Back in the day, you had to print directions and follow, turn left here, turn right there. It’s not that. It’s a map that shows you destination points, and it helps you find your own path to get there, and sets the stage.“
He encourages the reader to reflect, and to start, the first question is, “Why Am I Here?” Readers are asked to write it down and then when they review this in the final chapter, they can reflect on their progress – and perhaps find that their answer may have changed.
He suggests various reasons or circumstances that might lead a guy to open Unraveled Roots for Men. “A lot of times when a guy starts a journey, they’re just not sure if it’s going to make a difference,” he says. “Am I going to feel better? Can I feel better? I’ve gotten so used to it for 20, 25, 30, 40 years, whatever, feeling and living like I do. Is it going to change? So in the first chapter, we highlight the hope that change is possible.”
This chapter is an important foundation, as the rest of the book builds upon it. So Greg encourages providers leading men through Unraveled Roots to do so in a way that will provide the best opportunity for success for the men.
CHAPTER 2 HIGHLIGHTS: THE ROOT OF ABANDONMENT
In reviewing the next chapter and its focus on Abandonment, Greg refers to a Men’s Healing Matters session on Absent Father Wounds and how it impacts children and boys especially. He encourages watching the webinar or reading the recap as it is an important topic that affects many people in our country. Greg also briefly addresses absent mother wounds.
He summarizes the chapter by saying we acknowledge that abandonment is experienced by men in many different ways as well as talking about some of the different ways abandonment can manifest.
He shares his personal experience of how his father left when he was six and when he saw his other close friends with parents that were married he developed a feeling of envy because he was abandoned. Greg also explains that he learned over the years in his healing and recovery that abandonment has different faces. He refers to a friend whose dad was in the household but was working the majority of the time, six days a week. He expands on this thought,“That’s a form of abandonment, emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable parent.“ He mentions generational trauma and how working through Unraveled Roots can lead to generational healing.
He emphasizes the importance of understanding the root of abandonment without blaming parents and uses his personal experience for example. “My dad left when I was six. He was gone for eight years. That’s the truth of it,” he said. “The lies I believed about myself are another story. But what I want to say about it without blaming, my dad had his own generational trauma that was handed down to him from his father.
“When my dad had been sober for six years and moved back to the town I lived in and I started reconnecting with him as best I could,” he continued, “there was still a lot of things to work through, but it’s because he had started finding his own healing. from his generational trauma, from his abusive alcoholic dad. My dad left, but in his mind, at least then, at least he wasn’t abusive.“ Greg says he shares this story to drive home the point about not placing blame. “If a man is going to work on his own struggles,” he said. “That makes it difficult for him to judge other people.”
CHAPTER 3 HIGHLIGHTS: THE ROOT OF ADDICTION
Greg opens Chapter 3, The Root of Addiction, by explaining the many examples of addictions, such as addictions to work, risk-taking behaviors, pornography, food, gambling, and even our phones. He explains that the book doesn’t address every addiction, but hits the main points.
He explains the idea of how modeled addiction behavior in our parents can impact the men we grow into. He uses the example, “If I watch my dad come home after work every night and hit a blunt and zone out on the couch, smoking weed all night and not interacting with me or my siblings or even my mother or whatever, that impacts me growing into manhood because, What do I see? I see that this is how life is lived, right?”
Greg notes that boys often model themselves after what they see from their fathers instead of following what they teach. That’s how addiction in parents can impact men. It starts the process of dealing with or running from our problems.
He says, “Then we also show what a pathway to healing from addiction may look like for your own addiction, if you’ve developed one as an adult, or what it may look like to heal from the impact of your parents’ addiction.” He encourages, “Either way, healing is possible. Either way, it doesn’t have to continue to affect you.”
CHAPTER 4 HIGHLIGHTS: THE ROOT OF ABUSE
Greg acknowledges that Chapter Four, The Root of Abuse, is a difficult chapter for a large number of people, particularly those who have experienced abuse. The chapter addresses physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. It also offers examples that people may have not thought about, such as religious abuse.
He shares a statistic that by the age of 18, one in six boys have experienced some form of sexual abuse, and one in five will experience some type of physical abuse. Yet, men are often hesitant to speak about abuse they’ve experienced, including physical or sexual.
The issues are spoken of in a way that validates people who have experienced different varieties of abuse and supports them to find a path forward.
Greg speaks about how abuse in childhood may manifest in adults. He gives the example of brothers he knows “who experienced horrible physical abuse at the hands of their father.” One became “a very abusive man himself, and is now in prison.” The other became a pastor. Yet he only began his healing journey in his 40s. Greg makes the point through this story that the “things that we suffer, traumas we experienced, … abuse — they manifest in our adult lives in some way, they impact us in some way.”
He then talks about the importance of acknowledging the truth of the abuse that we experienced rather than our self-perceptions. He discusses how experiencing abuse as children “can lead to self blame and thoughts, like if I was good enough, if I had just been quiet, if I had just cleaned my plate or picked up my room , not talked back and so on. Greg says that the truth is you were abused. He also points that often because the person who abused you had their own trauma and need for help.
CHAPTER 5 HIGHLIGHTS: THE ROOT OF CODEPENDENCY
Greg begins explaining Chapter Five, The Root of Codependency, by talking about how codependency often begins when healthy dependency needs are not met. He talks about early childhood developmental stages where it is healthy to be fully dependent and, therefore, it’s all about you. We have dependency needs and they’re very healthy, to a point.” which is normal when it comes to growing up.
He says the problem arises when those healthy dependency needs aren’t met, which can lead some people to become codependent. He offers this example: You may have parents who struggle with addiction, so you become the caretaker of your younger siblings. But it’s not your role, you’re a child who is not receiving your own needed personal support. Greg explains that life becomes you taking care of others to the point of you lose sight of whether your own needs to help you develop are being met.
Greg expands on this thought with his personal experience that you can watch here at 26:00. He summarizes his story, “We get so wrapped up in the people we’re supposed to provide for and rightfully so, we should be focused on the people we’re supposed to provide for, but we should also focus on our needs.”
He highlights that we should have healthy boundaries, and that people with codependency often lack boundaries or set up weak boundaries.
He affirms that there is honor for men in acknowledging and dealing with codependency.
CHAPTER 6 HIGHLIGHTS: WHERE DO WE GROW NOW?
“Where Do We Grow Now?,” Greg starts off by saying this is a great question. He explains that when men get through struggles, they think “when we’re done, we’re done.” But Greg says the end of Unraveled Roots doesn’t mean we’re not finished.
The chapter reflects back to the first initial question in Chapter One, Why Am I Here? Men in Chapter Six are encouraged to modify that thought process to “Where have I come? How far have I come?”
Greg uses a story of creek fishing to illustrate the idea that men often want to move on from their struggles once they feel better, but healing is a continuous journey. He emphasizes the importance of pausing to reflect on how far one has come, just as he found himself unexpectedly far upstream while fishing without realizing it.
Greg encourages finding purpose in past pain by sharing the message of hope and healing with others, and discusses how this “paying forward” and giving back is an extension of the healing process.
Greg offers suggestions of ways to help out another guy, such as offering a copy of Unraveled Roots, talking to a local men’s group, or even having a conversation with your friends. There are many ways to help, the idea is to find purpose in the pain by going forward and sharing healing with somebody else.
He also addresses the common temptation to stop talking about the pain once you feel better—thinking, “I’m fine now, I’ll just go back to my usual routine, like golf or chess.” But Greg emphasizes that continuing to share your story helps others find purpose in their pain too.
© Support After Abortion