Tips for Navigating Triggers | Support After Abortion

INTRO

The webinar on Tips for Navigating Triggers opened with hosts Karin Barbito, Special Projects Manager, and Nyles Pinckney, Men’s Healing Coordinator, addressing the unique emotional challenges the holiday season can bring for individuals affected by abortion. Karin set the tone, emphasizing that the goal of the session was to equip attendees with an understanding of emotional triggers and trauma and offer practical tools for managing these experiences.

Karin posed an insightful question to Nyles about why discussing triggers specifically during the holidays is so important. Nyles candidly admitted that preparing for the webinar had broadened his perspective. He shared how even Halloween—a holiday often overlooked in discussions about emotional triggers—could bring up difficult emotions for some.

“Before preparing for this webinar,” Nyles said, “I never thought about Halloween potentially being a trigger for certain people after abortion experiences. He explained how seemingly innocent activities, such as handing out candy to children in costumes, could evoke painful memories or feelings of loss.

Karin agreed, echoing the sentiment with empathy: “I couldn’t imagine having experienced abortion, no matter how long ago it was, and opening up the door to see all these little kids in costumes asking for candy. I think it would really trigger me.” Their dialogue underscored how the holidays, from Halloween to New Year’s, can be fraught with unexpected reminders of unresolved emotions and past experiences.

This honest and relatable introduction set the stage for a meaningful exploration of how emotional triggers manifest and how attendees can approach the holiday season with greater awareness and tools for healing.

WHAT IS TRAUMA?

The webinar continued with Karin offering a foundational understanding of trauma, describing it as emotional distress arising from overwhelming experiences. She emphasized that trauma isn’t limited to catastrophic events, but includes a wide range of circumstances. Drawing from her reflections, Karin listed examples of what may come to mind when we think about “trauma,” such as physical or sexual abuse, severe accidents, natural disasters, life-threatening illnesses, sudden or violent deaths, kidnappings, and, profoundly, school violence.

“Trauma changes the way we think, the way we feel, and the way that we experience life,” she explained, highlighting the lasting impact of such events, particularly on children.

Karin also shared a compelling statistic from the WHO World Mental Health Survey: over 70% of U.S. adults have experienced some form of trauma. This underscores the prevalence of trauma and its diverse manifestations, which may vary greatly from person to person.

“What may be deeply distressing for one person might not affect another in the same way,” she noted.

Nyles Pinckney expanded on this idea, pointing out that trauma isn’t always direct. Using the example of school shootings, he noted how the anxiety of parents, even those whose children weren’t directly involved, can be deeply traumatic. “You send your children to school every day, and you’re just praying it’s not their school or one nearby,” he said, reflecting on his own perspective as a father.

Karin also cited insights from Dr. James Gordon, who emphasized that trauma doesn’t have to stem from obviously catastrophic events. Situations such as a breakup, job loss, or moving away from a lifelong community can be equally distressing. She contrasted this with the resilience often seen in military families who relocate frequently, illustrating how perspective and life experiences shape the way trauma is experienced. “For someone who’s never left their hometown, moving might be terrifying. But for someone used to moving every two or three years, it’s no big deal,” she observed.

This discussion emphasized the deeply personal and subjective nature of trauma. It provided a broader lens through which to view emotional distress, laying a critical foundation for understanding triggers and managing them effectively during the holidays.

WHAT ARE EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS?

The discussion moved into an exploration of emotional triggers, with Karin inviting Nyles to share a personal experience. Nyles began by defining a trigger as a strong negative emotional reaction to a current situation that involuntarily brings up memories or trauma from the past. Drawing from his own journey, he described how, after his abortion experience, being around children—something he once enjoyed—became deeply triggering.

Nyles shared an example from his time at Clemson University, where he volunteered at football camps, working with hundreds of kids. “After my abortion experience, that became a little bit difficult,” he explained. Being surrounded by children reminded him of the child he had lost and the potential future he might never experience—bringing his own child to such events and sharing those moments of camaraderie and growth. Though this pain once felt overwhelming, he noted that with time and healing, it has lessened, though it remains a significant memory. “It’s not something that goes away easily, but over time it has gotten better,” he reflected.

Karin expressed empathy, affirming the depth of such experiences. She expanded on how triggers are not merely annoyances but can transport someone emotionally back to the original trauma. Sharing her own story, Karin recounted a moment when an innocuous comment from a friend triggered a visceral reaction. She described how the friend’s tone of voice unexpectedly reminded her of a past abusive experience, sparking an uncontrollable response: “I jumped up out of my chair, and in a not very kind way, said to him, ‘Don’t you ever talk to me that way.’” Though she believed she had moved past and forgiven the situation, the trigger brought those feelings rushing back.

This candid conversation highlighted the intensity and unpredictability of emotional triggers. Karin likened her experience to the reactions described by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs in veterans dealing with war-related trauma, underscoring the universal nature of such responses.

The segment concluded with Karin introducing Kylee Heap, Executive Director, who would delve into the neurological mechanisms behind emotional triggers, providing deeper insight into the brain’s role in these intense emotional reactions.

THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND TRIGGERS

Kylee opened her segment with appreciation for the vulnerability shared by Karin and Nyles, acknowledging the power of openness in understanding triggers. She invited the audience to reflect on a moment when a memory became unexpectedly vivid, whether it was triggered by a scent, song, or specific date. This vividness can feel like being transported back in time, as Karin had mentioned earlier, with intense emotional reactions.

Kylee then shared a personal experience that resonated with the theme of emotional triggers. Despite being a fan of medical dramas and familiar with the process of CPR, after her father’s traumatic death, a scene from the show ER triggered a strong emotional reaction. When the show depicted the delivery of CPR—something she had experienced firsthand with her father’s death—it brought back intense, overwhelming feelings she hadn’t been prepared for. The physical noise of broken bones during CPR was a traumatic detail that left her in anger and emotional distress. “I ran from my room. I went to the laundry room in my house, closed the door, turned on the washing machine,” she recounted, “and just sat there trying to drown it out.” This memory highlights how trauma can resurface in unexpected ways, even when we think we’re prepared.

Kylee explained the brain’s response to such triggers. She first compared the logical storing of regular memories in the hippocampus to a filing cabinet. However, traumatic memories are stored differently in the amygdala, which perceives them as a threat. These memories are often fragmented and linked to intense emotional or sensory details, which is why a triggered memory can cause a strong emotional and physical response without the logical details. When a trigger occurs, the hypothalamus reacts by releasing adrenaline into the body, prompting the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. This is why a triggered memory can feel like the trauma is happening all over again in the present moment.

Kylee emphasized that being triggered is not within our control—it’s a natural response by the brain. However, she explained that we can learn to manage these reactions by having a plan in place to navigate the intense emotional and physical responses. Once the adrenaline subsides, the neocortex kicks in, allowing us to assess the situation and decide how to handle it logically.

The session also included a brief mention of other common triggers, such as places, sounds, and smells. Karin shared that after her abortion, the sound of a vacuum cleaner, similar to the suction equipment used in her procedure, was a trigger for her.

This segment provided a deep dive into the neurological mechanisms behind emotional triggers, explaining why these responses happen and how to better manage them.

WHY ARE THESE EVENTS TRIGGERING?

Karin delved into why specific events, such as holidays, anniversaries, due dates, or even seeing baby clothes in stores, can be particularly triggering. These situations often come with increased social expectations, compelling individuals to engage in festive or familial activities, which can magnify feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. Moreover, these events tend to amplify unresolved emotions, making them feel more acute.

To illustrate this, Karin turned to Nyles, who shared a deeply personal experience tied to his abortion story.

Nyles recounted a moment with his seven-year-old son, who, in his innocence, asked, “When can I have a sibling?” Nyles responded lightly, joking about the possibility, but internally, the question brought up a profound sense of inadequacy. The abortion decision he made years ago, which he initially viewed as impacting only himself and his partner, now felt like it extended to his son—someone entirely unaware of the situation.

Nyles reflected on how the decision denied his son the chance to have a sibling to grow up with, a bond he values deeply. This realization left him feeling as though he had failed—not only as a partner during the abortion experience, but also as a father. The weight of this moment stayed with him, and he often anticipates when his son might ask the question again, hoping he’ll maintain a consistent and thoughtful response.

This story highlights how unresolved emotions can resurface in moments of innocent interaction, deepening feelings of regret or inadequacy. Karin’s analysis of triggers combined with Nyles’ experience underscores the complexity of emotional responses to everyday situations and how they often tie back to past trauma.

HOW WE RESPOND TO TRIGGERS

Karin discussed how triggers can evoke powerful feelings of loss and grief, often tied to specific dates or events. She shared an example of her sister-in-law, whose younger brother passed away during COVID. The inability of family members to visit him in his final days left a lasting impact. These significant dates—when he became ill, entered hospice, and passed away—likely remain poignant triggers for her sister-in-law.

Triggers can also cause isolation. Karin invited Nyles to elaborate on how men often respond to triggers by withdrawing.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Nyles explained that growing up as an only child made solitude familiar and even comforting. After his abortion experience, he leaned into isolation as a way to avoid triggers, emotions, and social interactions. He avoided friends, family, and children to protect himself from the emotions that these interactions might stir. While some of his solitary activities, like going to the movies alone, were healthy, his avoidance also contributed to social anxiety, especially after emotionally significant events like football games, where teammates celebrated with their families. Nyles would retreat to his room and distract himself, often with a Disney movie, to find comfort.

Karin noted that while Nyles turned to isolation, she had previously coped in a less healthy way by numbing her emotions with substances, highlighting how individuals respond to triggers differently.

They shared one research survey respondent’s lingering impact of abortion:

“For over 40 years, my partner’s abortion always remained on my mind whenever I was around babies at family gatherings.”

Nyles related deeply to this statement. He recalled seeing teammates with their kids at practices and games, bringing up thoughts of his own abortion experience. Though he and his partner stayed together for years afterward, they never spoke about the abortion. Nyles constantly wondered how she felt, especially in settings where children were present. “I always wanted to ask her, How are you? Are you okay?,” he said. “But I didn’t because I pushed everything in the back of my mind from my abortion experience, everything me and her experienced and went through. And I just didn’t want her to relive those experiences, feelings. Yet, their avoidance of the topic prevented any meaningful conversations, leaving both to navigate their grief silently.

Another male client’s words highlighted the challenges of holidays:

“Holidays are hard. I have a lot of resentment around the holidays because of the people that influenced my abortion decision. It’s hard for me to be around them and act like I’m joyful when I’m not. It brings all that anger and pain to the surface. It’s kind of hard to feel like celebrating anything.”

This story resonated with Karin, who reflected on the complex layers of trauma people carry—abortion, unresolved family relationships, and grief tied to specific times of year. She emphasized the importance of being present for people during these difficult times, recognizing the weight of emotions that holidays and other triggers can bring.

Karin shared a deeply impactful example to highlight how unresolved emotions, significant dates, and life experiences can create compounded emotional struggles. Referring to a client testimony, Karin noted the immense weight carried by one client during the holidays, particularly around Christmas.

It’s the fourth anniversary of my abortion, and I’m still struggling with such regret and guilt. I talked to my therapist today, which helped a little. She’s amazing and always knows when I’m being affected by it more. Other than that, I don’t like telling people because no one seems to understand when I do. I need to seriously focus on healing. I was in an abusive relationship and healing from that took all my energy. Now I know I need to focus on this healing. – Female Client

Karin expanded on this by emphasizing the layers of trauma the client was experiencing: abortion, hospitalization, a strained relationship with her mother, a challenging upbringing, and the overlap of Christmas with her father’s birthday and death. Karin underscored how such anniversaries and holidays can amplify grief and pain, making it especially hard to feel celebratory or at peace.

This example illustrated the broader theme of how unresolved emotions and compounded life events can become overwhelming, particularly during triggering seasons like the holidays. Karin concluded by stressing the importance of organizations like theirs in offering support, understanding, and a safe space for healing during these challenging moments.

Karin and Nyles concluded this section by addressing the tendency to avoid discussing abortion experiences. “We hear it said all the time,” Karin noted, “abortion is socially accepted, but nobody ever talks about it.”

It’s common for couples to remain silent, she continued, even though the memories linger for years. Karin acknowledged that many relationships, like hers and Nyles’, ultimately end without ever addressing these unresolved feelings. Normalizing this silence can help others feel less isolated in their experiences, but breaking that silence is key to healing.

WHY RECOGNIZING TRIGGERS IS EMPOWERING

Karin emphasized the critical importance of recognizing emotional triggers, explaining how this awareness fosters empowerment. She outlined three key benefits:

Emotional Regulation: Recognizing triggers helps individuals take control of their emotional responses, enabling them to manage sudden reactions effectively. This process, known as emotional regulation, restores a sense of personal agency.
Self-Awareness: Awareness of triggers is foundational to personal growth. Karin highlighted that self-awareness is the first step in the change process, as it’s impossible to make meaningful changes without understanding the underlying issues.
Develop a Plan: Once triggers are identified, individuals can create a plan to address them. This proactive approach not only reduces the power of triggers but also equips individuals with tools to navigate emotionally charged situations more confidently.

By recognizing their triggers, individuals take an essential step toward healing and reclaiming their sense of control and stability.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AND WORK THROUGH TRIGGERS

Karin shared practical strategies for helping abortion healing providers guide their clients—and themselves—through the process of identifying and managing triggers. She emphasized that recognizing triggers empowers individuals to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

Key Strategies for Identifying Triggers

Awareness and Reflection: Karin encouraged providers to assist clients in recognizing their triggers, particularly during emotionally charged times of the year. This awareness allows clients to hit the “pause button,” regulate emotions, and respond in healthier ways.
Journaling: Writing down thoughts and emotions can be a powerful tool to uncover and understand triggers. Karin suggested that providers encourage clients to use journaling as a means of self-reflection and building awareness.
Self-Reflection Practices: Recognizing one’s own triggers is vital for providers to better support clients. Karin highlighted how understanding personal reactions can be transformative both personally and professionally.

Nyles’ Approach to Identifying Triggers

Nyles shared his personal process for recognizing and managing triggers:

Physical Cues: He noticed that feelings of anxiousness often manifested physically for him, such as rubbing his pant leg or arm.
Self-Isolation for Reflection: To understand these moments, Nyles would take time alone to process his emotions.
Exploring the Five Senses: By reflecting on what he saw, smelled, heard, touched, and tasted at the time of the reaction, he could better pinpoint what triggered him.
Journaling as a Tool: Nyles used writing to connect the dots between his emotional responses and their sources. If clarity didn’t come immediately, he revisited the issue later when he felt ready to process it further.
Balancing Action with Patience: He acknowledged the pressure men often feel to “fix” problems immediately but emphasized the importance of taking time to process emotions before rushing to solutions.

Karin praised Nyles for his thoughtful insights, emphasizing that self-awareness and intentional reflection are essential steps in managing triggers. She encouraged providers to share these strategies with their clients, equipping them to navigate their emotional landscapes with greater confidence and resilience.

MAPPING YOUR TRIGGERS

Kylee introduced the concept of “mapping your triggers,” which involves tracing the emotional and physical patterns tied to a trigger to uncover the deeper core wound that drives reactions.

The Elevator Shaft Analogy

Kylee illustrated the process of mapping triggers using the metaphor of an elevator shaft:

Top Floor: Represents the initial reaction to a trigger, often surface-level and immediate.
Second Floor: Delves into deeper feelings, such as vulnerability or discomfort, that may accompany the trigger.
Deeper Floors: Uncovers progressively less accessible emotions and physical sensations, often tied to past experiences.
The Basement: Symbolizes the core wound, a deep, sensitive pain point that often originates in childhood or significant past trauma. This wound is so profound that the brain perceives its stimulation as a threat, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response.

To illustrate this process, Kylee shared how the death of her father led to unexpected emotional disruptions, which she likened to being hit by a “Mac truck.” These overwhelming reactions disrupted her life and took time to recover from. By mapping these triggers, she was able to trace her emotional responses back to the core wound of her loss.

Core wounds are central to understanding triggers because they often drive the entire reaction pattern. These wounds are so deeply embedded that individuals may avoid engaging with them, as doing so can feel overwhelming or threatening. Kylee acknowledged that some people seeking healing may not yet be ready to confront the intense pain associated with these core wounds.

Kylee emphasized that mapping triggers empowers individuals by offering a structured way to understand and address their emotional patterns. It provides clarity on why certain events or feelings cause intense reactions and equips people with the tools to navigate their triggers with greater self-awareness and control.

This process, while challenging, is a key step in moving from avoidance to healing, allowing individuals to confront their pain and reclaim their emotional well-being.

CALMING STRATEGIES

Kylee introduced practical strategies to help manage emotional reactions when triggered, emphasizing the importance of pausing, creating space, and resisting the urge to react immediately. These tools aim to provide individuals with mental clarity and emotional regulation.

Kylee shared the value of stepping away from an immediate trigger to allow time for appropriate digestion, whether mentally or physically. She offered a personal example: retreating to her laundry room to focus on the soothing sound of the washing machine.

Two Simple Techniques

Kylee highlighted two easy-to-remember techniques she often shares, including with clients on the After Abortion Line:

Box Breathing
- A straightforward breathing exercise that focuses the mind and calms the body:
  - Inhale for 4 seconds.
  - Hold for 4 seconds.
  - Exhale for 4 seconds.
  - Pause for 4 seconds.
- This technique is visually easy to remember and effectively regulates breathing, helping to reset the brain.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise
- This method focuses on engaging the senses to bring attention back to the present moment:
  - Identify 5 things you can see.
  - Identify 4 things you can touch.
  - Identify 3 things you can hear.
  - Identify 2 things you can smell.
  - Identify 1 thing you can taste.
- As Kylee explained, this process reconnects the brain’s neocortex, which plays a key role in rational thinking and emotional regulation.

Additional Strategies

Nyles shared his own go-to calming strategies:

Music: Whether familiar genres or exploring new ones (like country), music serves as a therapeutic escape.
Video Games: Playing games provides a mental break and helps reset his focus.
Books or Podcasts: Engaging with media can offer a temporary escape and a mental recharge.
Social Awareness: Nyles noted that friends recognize when his energy is low and conversations might go “over his head.” Building this rapport with those around you can create a supportive environment in triggering moments.

Kylee concluded by reminding the audience that not all triggers are the same size or intensity. Smaller triggers may require simpler tools, while larger or more overwhelming triggers might need advanced coping mechanisms or clinical support. She encouraged everyone to explore a variety of strategies, recognizing that different situations call for different approaches.

HOW TO COPE WITH TRIGGERS

Nyles and Karin shared practical strategies for managing triggers and maintaining emotional well-being.

Nyles’ Coping Strategies

Stay Connected to a Support Team
- Identify and lean on trusted individuals such as close friends, family, or mentors who understand you and can recognize signs of distress.
- Example: Nyles’ family and friends notice when he becomes anxious, often marked by rubbing his hands. They reach out to check in, offering support or suggesting ways to step away and reset.
Avoid Comparison
- Remember: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
- Comparing yourself to others can diminish your sense of accomplishment and happiness. Nyles emphasized that we each have unique struggles and goals, and focusing on your own journey is key to maintaining peace and satisfaction.

Karin’s Coping Tips

Learn When to Say No
- Boundaries are essential. Being invited doesn’t obligate you to participate.
- Embrace the mindset that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing your needs.
Accept Who You Are Today
- Growth often involves change, and it’s important to embrace the person you’ve become—even if it’s different from who you once were.
- Reflect on this question: “Do you like who you are today?” Karin encouraged acknowledging and accepting your current self with grace and self-compassion.

These coping strategies provide a foundation for navigating emotional triggers while fostering resilience, self-acceptance, and healthier boundaries.

WHAT ARE GLIMMERS?

Karin introduced the concept of “glimmers” as a coping tool, contrasting them with triggers. While triggers can overwhelm us and take us back to painful memories or emotional responses, glimmers serve as moments that bring us back to joy, safety, or calm. Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. They are an external or internal cue that brings you back to a sense of joy or safety.

Examples of Glimmers

Karin mentioned several examples of glimmers including viewing a favorite city skyline, feeling the sun’s warmth, sensing the cool salty ocean air, someone smiling at you, smelling a relaxing scent, seeing a rainbow, watching a favorite show or movie, and even the perfect cup of coffee. She and Nyles reflected on some of their favorite glimmers.

Examples of Glimmers:

Petting Pets: Karin highlighted how interacting with pets, like a dog or cat, can provide comfort and alleviate anxiety or anger.
Nature and Nostalgia: For Nyles, a glimmer is the feeling he gets from the crisp fall air and the smell of autumn, which reminds him of the excitement he felt as a child playing football on Saturdays. This nostalgic connection to the past can create a sense of comfort and positivity.
The Simple Joys: Karin mentioned how the sight of a stranger’s smile, though sometimes unexpected, could be a glimmer of connection or positivity.
Music and Rituals: Hearing familiar sounds, like the music of ESPN’s College GameDay, brings Nyles back to his youthful enjoyment and anticipation of football season, offering a comforting glimmer.

Glimmers are moments of joy or safety that counterbalance life’s stresses. Recognizing and embracing glimmers can help people reconnect with peace and positivity, especially when dealing with emotional triggers or healing from past trauma. They offer small but meaningful respite and grounding, which can be particularly helpful for those working through difficult emotional or life challenges.

Q & A

Q: Is it only unresolved trauma that can be triggered? Do healed people have triggers?

A: Yes, healed people can still experience triggers, Karin explained. Trauma becomes part of us, and while we’ve moved on, certain moments or actions can bring us back to that place. She shared her own experience, noting that while she had moved on from trauma from an abusive past relationship, certain moments—like a specific gesture or the way someone spoke—could unexpectedly bring up emotions tied to that trauma. Healing didn’t mean the trauma was erased; rather, it meant having the tools to manage its impact. Karin also compared this to her experience with Hurricane Ian, where the trauma of that event resurfaced during hurricane season, even though she had healed. One participant noted in the chat that as healing continues, the severity of triggers lessens.

Q: Are there new triggers related to medication abortion?

A: Kylee shared that yes, there can be new triggers related to medication abortion. For example, one client’s medication abortion occurred during an Easter family gathering. Because of this, the bathroom where the abortion took place and the family gatherings themselves became emotionally charged and triggering for her. This example shows how triggers can be deeply connected to specific environments and circumstances surrounding the abortion, making each person’s experience unique.

Q: What is mindfulness?

A: Nyles explained that mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the moment, without judgment. For Nyles, it means focusing on the here and now instead of getting caught up in overthinking or worrying about what might happen in the future or what others are thinking. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety and tends to overthink, mindfulness has helped Nyles manage his thoughts and emotions more effectively.

In his own experience, mindfulness has been a tool for slowing down, noticing his thoughts and feelings, and observing them without reacting. For instance, when he feels anxious or irritated, he doesn’t allow himself to get lost in those emotions. Instead, mindfulness encourages him to observe those feelings, recognize them, and let them pass. It helps him to stay grounded and enjoy moments with friends, focusing on creating positive memories instead of being overwhelmed by anxiety or stress.

Mindfulness also allows for a shift in perspective—helping people step out of the cycle of trauma and stress to experience more clarity and peace. For Nyles, this practice has been instrumental in finding calm and balance amidst life’s challenges

Q: How do you discern what a trigger means—whether to go into healing or seek clinical care?

A: Karin suggested using tools like the Client Group Readiness Assessment to evaluate the person’s state of mind and decide on the best path forward. And Kylee encouraged remaining curious and asking clients what they feel ready for to guide them effectively.

NEXT STEPS

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Click here to register for the next Abortion Healing Provider webinar.

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