Generational trauma, sometimes called Intergenerational Trauma, can be complicated, messy, and hard to work through, especially if the trauma involved is a past abortion experience. We will be talking here about generational trauma, what it is, how to understand it better, and how to heal from it.
WHAT IS GENERATIONAL TRAUMA?
The American Psychological Association defines generational trauma, or intergenerational trauma, as “the transmission of trauma or its legacy, in the form of a psychological consequence of an injury or attack, poverty, and so forth, from the generation experiencing the trauma to subsequent generations.”
Essentially this means the effect of trauma on a specific person has the potential to impact their children. Fascinatingly, the APA also says that this kind of trauma affects cellular levels: “The transference of this effect is believed to be epigenetic—that is, the transmission affects the chemical marker for a gene rather than the gene itself.”
Symptoms can include anxiety, depression, heightened sense of vulnerability, shame, substance abuse, among others. While these kinds of symptoms can mean challenges with several different kinds of mental health issues, narrowing them down to generational trauma can take some work.
PASSING ON GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
One of the bigger ways that generational trauma is passed on is when the person dealing with the trauma exhibits behaviors that led to their initial trauma, which their children are observing and copying – leading to them making the same decisions that led their parents or grandparents into trauma in the first place.
For example, licensed clinician Kali Rowe, MSW, RCSWI, says that for many women who’ve experienced abortion, there’s a child who is observing the patterns and behaviors that led to that abortion and is likely to follow.
“With generational trauma, the child is exposed indirectly to the trauma of the parent which can become a cycle again,” Rowe said.
UNDERSTANDING THE EFFECT OF GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
Sometimes, kids don’t understand why their parents act the way they do because it is due to the trauma they experienced at some point in their lives. If that parent has not taken steps to heal from their trauma, it will more than likely affect their own children in negative ways.
“Nobody talks about how hard it is to grow up with a parent who is full of unhealed trauma,” said Rowe. “It’s ok to grieve for that parent and feel for them and everything they’ve been through, but also to be angry towards them and all the time that they’ve had to become better for their children.”
It’s not uncommon for children of parents who have unhealed trauma to have a range of emotions towards them. Yet, when parents don’t take the time to heal, that trauma can be transferred to their children and the cycle continues.
ABORTION AND GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
With abortion in particular, it’s important to heal from that experience. Kids pick up things that parents sometimes think they won’t notice. They will see pain and hurt, and even if they aren’t consciously making decisions to follow in their parent’s steps, it’s very possible they will.
Here are two personal situations where the parent of the person had abortion experiences and never healed from them:
The girl I was dating had an abortion and I’m really struggling. I’ve been drinking more and using alcohol to try to cope. I don’t want my abortion to define me like my dad, who is haunted by two abortions. I need help to deal with my grief and emotions in a healthy way. – Male Client
My boyfriend insisted on the abortion. He threatened me and the baby if I kept it. I wish I didn’t do it. I was just so scared of him. I wish I would have just dealt with him legally and kept the baby. My dad’s been in prison for ten years, and he wasn’t a good dad even before that. So I know what it’s like to grow up without a dad, and I felt like the same thing was going to happen with my baby. My mom is supportive, but she had two abortions and bottles up her feelings as well, so I can’t really talk to her about this much. We both act like we’re okay even though we’re not. – Female Client
BREAKING GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
If you’ve been dealing with generational trauma, there is hope, but it is hard, hard work.
“I really like this saying: the battles you refuse to fight, your kids will have to fight. Our parents refused to fight those battles, so we were left to do them,” said Rowe.
It’s up to you now to break the cycle of generational trauma because if you don’t, if you refuse to fight this battle, then your children will.
Rowe continues: “Your inability to confront this means that your son’s going to have to fight that. Your inability to fight your insecurities means that your daughter is going to suffer. Your inability to fight divorce and addiction means that your kids are going to have to fight that battle.”
The story below, excerpted from Unraveled Roots: Exposing the Hidden Causes of Damaging Behaviors was written by Lisa Rowe, LCSW, who suffered from the generational trauma of codependency:
From the time I was 15 years old, I was never without a boyfriend. I shifted my choices, opinions, and preferences to whatever I thought would make men want me, whatever I thought would make them happy. When one relationship ended, I looked for my next “fix.” I needed men’s approval to feel beautiful and worthwhile.
My own mother’s long history of failed relationships profoundly affected my life and my view of men. Our relationship was strained and rocky as I entered young adulthood. I felt like she was giving me relationship advice that she had never followed herself. But she is also the person who helped lead me to, and continues to walk me through, my healing.
When I was pregnant with my second child, my marriage—and my self-esteem—crumbled. My pregnancy prevented me from running to another man. I was forced, for the first time, to be alone long enough to reflect on why my relationships always ended so badly. At the same time, I was watching my mom take steps to get healthier. She was still in an unhealthy relationship, but it was clear that her choices and mindsets were changing.
So when my marriage was struggling, I reached out to her. And she was there for me. She didn’t try to give me advice. She simply said, “What do you need from me?” That love and acceptance was pivotal for me. I had some knowledge of God; but for the first time, I began to truly pour out my issues and problems to Him instead of looking to another man to make me feel valuable. I also went to a counselor who asked some hard questions that challenged me to consider why I missed the “red flags” in so many of the men that I had dated. At first I was defensive, but I gradually realized how I kept missing obvious warning signs. I began to see how my identity was so wrapped up in meeting men’s wants and needs that I didn’t even know who I was.
Through that process and finding support through my church, I began to understand how I was repeating the patterns of my childhood. My upbringing had profoundly affected my view of men, of myself, and my view of God as Father. As I began to forgive, my relationship with God began to grow stronger and deeper. My relationship with my mother also began to heal.
At times, this was an extremely challenging, painful journey. But it has been worth every step. As I let go of looking to men for my value, I began to discover who I am. I began to explore what I liked and found my purpose. The internal battle between being who I am and who I thought others wanted me to be has ceased. I have the peace of living an authentic life.
While I’m compassionate toward others and their struggles, I no longer feel responsible for “fixing” them because my identity is no longer tied to others. The people in my life now are positive and want to grow, too. They challenge me to continue to grow. I used to run away to a new man or a new distraction to avoid taking a hard look at my choices and behaviors. But when I finally quit running, I found someone valuable and beautiful, someone I grew to love: Me.
HEALING FROM GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
Lisa Rowe, LCSW, whose story that was, advises applying the three-part process of change, often called The 3 A’s – cultivate awareness, which evolves into acceptance, that allows us to take action and make change. It can be very helpful to receive support through the steps of this change process.
The first step, Awareness, is where a person recognizes a problem or a need for change. Rowe says awareness “helps you understand where this came from, why you have these certain beliefs, why these behaviors are part of who you are, why you’re in the relationship you’re in, etc.” In this step, support from others can offer differing perspectives and feedback that can highlight patterns, behaviors, or consequences that may contribute to the problem. “It’s not about going backward to blame or shame,” Rowe emphasizes, “it’s about going backward to raise an understanding of awareness.” Resources and talking with someone can provide information, insights, and increased self-understanding.
With Acceptance, a person acknowledges the reality of the issue and its implications. This step is crucial to be able to move forward, to work for closure on the past, and prepare mentally and emotionally for the effort needed to make a change. Support when you’re working on acceptance gives you a safe, non-judgmental space to express your thoughts and emotions. Someone you trust – a friend, counselor, mentor, helpline – can validate your feelings and experiences and make you feel less alone, helping you face your situation and process your feelings.
Action is taking steps to address the problem. It includes setting goals, making decisions, and developing new behaviors and habits that support your goals. Taking action requires motivation and perseverance, so it can be helpful to have someone who can give you encouragement, resources, guidance, and accountability to stay on track.
GETTING SUPPORT
We all want the best for ourselves and our children, and breaking generational trauma is key to making sure your own children won’t be fighting your battles. Whether abortion, addiction, abuse, or codependency is at the root of generational trauma in your family, we have resources to help you. Our Keys to Hope and Healing series addresses healing from abortion and our Unraveled Roots program helps people deal with the roots of codependency, addiction, abuse, and abandonment in their lives.
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