Connection heals. In this fast-moving training, Fr. Shawn Monahan, OMV, unpacks “A BISCUIT”—eight core needs that build safety and restore agency in abortion recovery. Discover memorable acronyms (FIN, HOP, A.L.E.V.E., U.S.S.R.), calmer conversations, better listening, and clear ways to help you validate experiences, spot unmet needs, and repair connection—with clients and in your own self-care.
OVERVIEW
Many people impacted by abortion carry deep wounds from unmet emotional, relational, and spiritual needs. Research shows that feeling seen, heard, and valued is essential for healing. Healing after abortion is deeply relational—clients need to feel seen, heard, and understood in order to process their pain and reclaim a sense of worth. The Healing Power of Connection: Using “A BISCUIT” in Abortion Recovery webinar equips providers to meet that need by introducing the “A BISCUIT” framework: Affirmed, Blessed, Included, Safe, Chosen, Understood, Intimacy, and Touched appropriately. It equips providers to recognize type A and type B trauma, understand the roots of relational wounds, and foster connection that supports emotional and spiritual restoration. Discover actionable approaches for helping clients reclaim agency, process fear, and experience authentic connection, while being guided in ways that feel safe, intentional, and deeply affirming.
INTRODUCTION
Kylee Heap, Executive Director of Support After Abortion, opened the session by welcoming attendees to The Healing Power of Connection: Using “A BISCUIT” In Abortion Recovery. She introduced guest speaker Fr. Shawn Monahan, OMV, noting that he serves on Support After Abortion’s board of directors.
Kylee explained that Fr. Shawn was ordained as a priest for the Oblates of the Virgin Mary in 2002. He has extensive experience as a parish priest, retreat master, spiritual director, and novice master for men in seminary formation. She highlighted his passion for “helping others heal the wounds that come from living in a broken world,” so they can experience what he describes as Jesus’s deepest desire — “to live a more abundant life.”
Kylee also shared that Fr. Shawn created The Path to Healing Our Broken Hearts, a 17-part virtual workshop focused on recognizing and overcoming life’s wounds, embracing God’s love, and living abundantly. She expressed gratitude for his presence and expertise, saying, “Thank you again for being here, Fr. Shawn.”
UNDERSTANDING CONNECTION AND CORE NEEDS THROUGH “A BISCUIT”
Fr. Shawn opened his presentation by reframing a familiar phrase — not “Can you hear me now?” but “Can you see me?” He explained that this question captures one of the deepest human desires: to be seen, known, and loved. Quoting one of his favorite lines, he shared, “When we’re born into this world, we’re born looking for someone looking for me.” That longing, he said, reflects every child’s instinctive search for connection, safety, and belonging.
He emphasized that connection is central to healing, particularly for those navigating abortion-related trauma. Many wounds, he explained, are not caused by what happened to us but by what was absent — the love, presence, or care that should have been there. He contrasted two categories of trauma:
- Type A trauma: “The absence of love — something that should have been there but wasn’t,” such as emotional, physical, or spiritual neglect.
- Type B trauma: “Something that should not have been present and has wounded me,” such as abuse, death, or exposure to violence.
While Type B traumas are easier to identify, Fr. Shawn noted that Type A wounds often go unnoticed yet profoundly shape a person’s sense of self and relationships. Citing Mother Teresa, he said, “The greatest disease of mankind is the absence of love.”
To illustrate how trauma impacts the human experience, he introduced the acronym F.I.N., which stands for Fragmented, Isolated, and Numbed. Trauma fragments our memories and identity, isolates us from others, and drives us to numb pain through avoidance or unhealthy coping.
Fr. Shawn then introduced the guiding framework for his teaching: “A BISCUIT,” an acronym representing eight core human needs that form the foundation of connection and emotional health:
- A – Affirmed: to be recognized and encouraged for who we are.
- B – Blessed: to receive words or actions of kindness, favor, and value.
- I – Included: to feel part of a group or community rather than left out.
- S – Safe: to experience physical and emotional security.
- C – Chosen: to be wanted, selected, and pursued in relationships.
- U – Understood: to be listened to and empathized with.
- I – Intimacy: to experience emotional closeness and authentic connection.
- T – Touched appropriately: to receive healthy, affirming physical affection.
“These are basic needs, and therefore basic desires,” he said. “They’re in every human heart.” He invited participants to reflect on their own stories — where they had received these experiences and where they had not — and to notice how those absences may shape their capacity to connect with others.
🔗A BISCUIT Handout for print and phone
Fr. Shawn cautioned that Type A trauma often leaves people more vulnerable to Type B trauma, fueling patterns like perfectionism, people-pleasing, and fear of abandonment.
For parents, he “cautioned against being hard on yourself” and worrying “I didn’t give this to my children.” He offered reassurance: “None of us receives love perfectly,” he said, encouraging self-compassion and intentionality in how they express love now.
Providing theological context, Fr. Shawn explained that the word desire comes from the Latin and French roots meaning “of the father” (de-sire). He described three sources of desire:
- God the Father, who plants spiritual desires within us.
- Our earthly father, Adam, representing natural human needs.
- The father of lies, Satan, who distorts unmet desires and tempts us toward substitutes.
“When we don’t receive ‘A BISCUIT,’” he said, “we look for substitutes.” Those substitutes — behaviors or dependencies that try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways — often manifest as sin or emotional struggle.
“This is good self-knowledge and awareness of my own story,” Fr. Shawn reflected. “Maybe the reason I’m struggling in relationships or overreacting is connected to where I’m missing ‘A BISCUIT’ in my life.”
He invited participants to pause, breathe, and allow God to illuminate their own stories before applying these insights to their ministry work. “First, hear this for yourself,” he said gently. “Then you’ll see how it can help you minister to others.”
THE BASIC NEED TO BE AFFIRMED
Fr. Shawn began exploring the first component of “A BISCUIT”, A – Affirmed, the fundamental human need to have one’s goodness and worth recognized. He explained that every person is born with an innate desire for affirmation. Highlighting the root of the word affirmation, he noted that it means “to make firm one’s goodness.”
He encouraged participants to reflect on their own experiences: “In the story of your life, who affirmed you? Did you experience it from your parents?” He emphasized that, especially in childhood, affirmation is often nonverbal. Children observe their parents’ faces, gestures, and reactions, which communicate either acceptance and value or disapproval and neglect.
Fr. Shawn invited listeners to consider influential figures who may have affirmed their worth, dignity, and gifts — such as teachers, coaches, or mentors. He noted that this kind of affirmation communicates a powerful message: “You have what it takes.” By becoming aware of these formative experiences, participants can better understand how affirmation — or the lack of it — shapes self-esteem and relationships throughout life.
AFFIRMATION: THREE WAYS NOT RECEIVING IT CAN AFFECT YOU
Fr. Shawn expanded on A – Affirmed by exploring the consequences of not receiving healthy affirmation. He explained that unmet need for affirmation often reveals itself in several ways:
- Perfectionism: Individuals may feel compelled to do everything flawlessly, struggling with mistakes or criticism because they never received firm affirmation of their inherent goodness.
- Lying: Fr. Shawn noted that even small, “white” lies can stem from a fear of judgment. When people haven’t experienced consistent affirmation, they may feel they cannot speak the truth without negative repercussions.
- Anxiety and Insecurity: A lack of affirmation can make people hesitant to try new things or take risks, fostering fear of failure and self-doubt.
He invited participants to reflect on their own lives: where affirmation had been present and where it had been absent, and how those experiences might continue to influence behavior and self-perception.
THE BASIC NEED TO BE BLESSED
Fr. Shawn explained the second component of “A BISCUIT”, B – Blessed, which he described as the deep human desire “to experience that you are special in someone else’s eyes.” To be blessed, he explained, is to be seen with delight — to be the sparkle in another’s eyes.
He shared a personal story about visiting his younger brother, Joe, and sister-in-law, Katie, who had a three-year-old daughter named Gracie. When Katie returned from a run, she knelt to untie her shoes, and little Gracie ran to her. Katie’s face lit up as she exclaimed, “Hey, that’s my little girl!” Fr. Shawn recalled how Gracie’s face immediately mirrored her mother’s delight. “It’s an experience of delight,” he said. “We have a basic need and a basic desire to experience that.”
He referred to this exchange of love as “The Joy Cycle” — a back-and-forth rhythm of delight that happens, he noted, about six times per second when someone looks at you with genuine joy. “Our hearts are created for this,” he explained. “To be blessed.”
Fr. Shawn encouraged participants to reflect on their own capacity to receive this kind of delight: “How are you in being able to experience someone looking at you with love? Can your eyes still lock in and receive that?” He noted that this sense of being blessed flows naturally from affirmation and is intertwined with the experience of being seen.
He cautioned that when this foundational blessing is missing in early life, people may grow up struggling with self-worth, internalizing shame, or feeling that something is wrong with them. He offered a gentle reframing: instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “What happened to me?”
Adopting a posture of kindness and curiosity, he said, opens the heart to healing. “When you’re hard on yourself or self-condemning,” he explained, “it stops the healing process immediately.” He invited participants to pause and reflect on their own stories of blessing — or the absence of it — and to listen for what surfaces in prayer. “What does the Lord want to show you?” he asked softly. “Is it that you’re loved, delighted in? Or, have you believed you’re a mistake, not enough, or on your own?”
THE BASIC NEED TO BE INCLUDED
Fr. Shawn highlighted the human need and desire to belong through I – Included. He emphasized that feeling included begins in the family of origin: “If mom and dad’s love is secure, then the heart of a child is secure. It feels like it belongs.” Conversely, experiences such as divorce, separation, or household tension can create wounds of exclusion, leaving individuals with a persistent sense of not fitting in.
He described how this need for inclusion often extends to social groups: the desire to be part of a “cool group” or accepted circle can reflect early experiences of belonging or the lack thereof. Even when inclusion is achieved, boundaries or exclusionary behaviors in groups can echo childhood experiences of limited acceptance.
Fr. Shawn encouraged participants to approach these reflections without shame, reminding them that everyone carries brokenness to some degree: “There are only two types of people in this world: those who have been hurt and those who have been hurt more.” Awareness of these wounds, he said, opens the heart to God’s healing: “Lord, here are the areas of my heart that need you to bring healing.”
He emphasized that understanding one’s own experiences of inclusion — and the pain of exclusion — allows individuals to extend compassion to others. By encountering one’s own brokenness with grace, participants can better minister to those struggling with shame or isolation, conveying presence and affirmation: “I see you. You are loved here. You are known here.”
THE BASIC NEED TO BE SAFE
Fr. Shawn introduced S – Safe, emphasizing the universal human need to feel secure materially, emotionally, and spiritually. He invited participants to reflect on their early experiences of safety: Were their basic material needs met, such as food, shelter, healthcare, and education? Did they feel emotionally protected through the stability and love of their parents? Spiritually, did they perceive God as a source of safety or as a punitive figure?
He shared a personal memory of his grandmother instilling a sense of divine protection: “As you go to bed, may God sit on your pillow,” illustrating a comforting and safe image of God.
THREE WAYS WE PROTECT OURSELVES WHEN WE DON’T FEEL SAFE
When individuals grow up in environments lacking safety, they can develop self-protective strategies — adaptive patterns meant to survive fear or neglect. He outlined three common responses:
- Aggression: Viewing others as threats and responding defensively.
- Withdrawal: Staying under the radar to avoid harm.
- Compliance: Prioritizing others’ needs to maintain peace.
He noted that these patterns often carry into spiritual life: the aggressive person may become overly critical or judgmental, the withdrawn may isolate under the guise of prayer, and the compliant may adopt a martyr-like posture, continually placing others before themselves.
Fr. Shawn connected the concept of safety to those impacted by abortion, explaining that fear is the opposite of safety. He described the body’s instinctive responses to fear — fight, flight, fawn, or freeze — and highlighted how trauma can diminish agency, leaving individuals seeking guidance or appeasing stronger voices around them.
Under extreme stress or trauma, the brain can enter a state of shutdown, where clear thinking and decision-making are impaired. Fr. Shawn explained that for many individuals who have experienced abortion, this can manifest as freezing or appeasing behavior — deferring to the strongest voice in the room rather than exercising their own agency. Fear can remove a person’s sense of control, leaving them compliant or hesitant, simply trying to maintain peace or avoid conflict. In these moments, the heart is responding to a lack of safety, and the person may feel powerless, anxious, or unsure how to act.
He encouraged participants to reflect on their own life story: Did they grow up in an environment that fostered confidence and exploration, or did fear and insecurity dominate their early experiences? He referenced The Secret Lives of the Unborn Child, emphasizing that even prenatal experiences of fear or anxiety can shape a person’s heart and sense of safety.
Fr. Shawn concluded this section with a moment of reflection, inviting participants to pause and let God illuminate the ways their hearts learned to navigate safety, trust, and self-protection.
THE BASIC NEED TO BE CHOSEN
Next, Fr. Shawn introduced C – Chosen, describing it as the human need to experience being wanted and included in meaningful relationships. He invited participants to reflect on moments in their lives where they felt chosen — whether being asked out on a date, going to prom, or having a group of friends or a best friend that truly welcomed them. “I feel chosen,” he said, “captures the essence of this need.”
He connected this desire to a spiritual truth, noting that Jesus emphasizes, “It’s not you who chose me. It’s I who chose you, and I knew everything about you, and yes, I still chose you.”
Fr. Shawn highlighted that self-rejection poses a significant obstacle to spiritual growth. Quoting Henry Nowen, he explained: “Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved.”
When individuals have not experienced being chosen, Fr. Shawn explained, the Father of Lies can exploit these gaps, whispering negative messages that attack self-worth, identity, and esteem. Such messages become internalized, reinforcing trauma’s effects: fragmenting perception, isolating the individual, and numbing emotional experience.
He invited participants to pause and reflect on their own stories of being chosen or overlooked, noting how awareness of these experiences can illuminate patterns of self-perception and relational connection.
THE BASIC NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Fr. Shawn explored the “U” in “A BISCUIT” next: Understood, the deep human need to be heard, known, and emotionally attuned to by others. He invited participants to consider their own experiences of being truly listened to — moments when someone paid close attention, noticed their emotions, and responded with care. “When was the last time you really felt you were heard and understood?” he asked, noting how rare that can be in everyday life.
He observed that many people seek trained listeners, such as spiritual directors or therapists, to experience genuine understanding now. Reflecting on childhood, he encouraged participants to recall whether their caregivers were attentive and responsive — whether they could recognize a bad day, stay engaged, and draw out what was happening in their child’s heart. Fr. Shawn referenced counselor Adam Young’s framework, The Big Six, which outlines core relational needs that parents are called to meet: being attuned, listening, and responding to their child’s emotions.
When individuals grow up without this kind of attunement, he explained, the unmet need to be understood often surfaces in communication patterns later in life. “If you don’t feel like you’re being heard, do you talk louder? Slow down your words so you’re sure they land? Or do you hold the mic and not let the other person speak?” he asked. Each of these responses, he said, is an attempt to bridge a gap in connection — a way the heart has learned to fight for acknowledgment. “There’s no shame in this,” he added. “Self-knowledge helps us understand why we do what we do.”
Fr. Shawn illustrated the connection between emotional and physical experience with an example from a presentation about anger he led for spiritual directors. One woman shared that she felt tension in her throat when she thought about her anger. She explained that her father had abused her and her mother silenced her disbelief, forcing her to suppress her voice. “Even now, I can feel the tension,” she told him. Fr. Shawn led her through a simple prayer of reclamation: “In the name of Jesus Christ, I have a voice. In the name of Jesus Christ, I can speak.” This, he explained, was an act of reclaiming agency and truth. He recommended the book The Body Keeps the Score.
He then tied this dynamic to abortion recovery, noting that when people experience trauma or lose their sense of being heard, it can deeply affect decision-making. A lack of voice or agency — the inability to speak one’s truth or feel safe to do so — often plays a profound role in crisis decisions, including abortion.
To help participants strengthen their ability to listen to others in pain, Fr. Shawn shared an acronym from Dr. Bob Schuchts’ Be Devoted, called A.L.E.V.E., outlining how to listen well:
- A – Put aside your perspective
- L – Listen to theirs
- E – Experience empathy
- V.E. – Verbalize empathy
“This,” he said, “is where healing happens: when we are truly listened to.”
Quoting Nancy Kline’s book A Time to Think, he shared that “the quality of our listening improves the quality of someone else’s thinking.” Neuroscience confirms this, Fr. Shawn added: when a person feels deeply heard, both sides of their brain engage — the emotional right hemisphere and the analytical left — integrating memory and emotion in a healing way.
He said that the act of simply listening, without judgment or unsolicited advice, is often the most powerful form of connection.
Fr. Shawn encouraged participants to journal afterward, noting that journaling to someone — such as oneself, God, or a guardian angel — activates the brain’s relational circuits. “We’re made for connection,” he said. “Healing happens when we are heard, when we are seen, and when we share our story.”
THE BASIC NEED FOR INTIMACY
Fr. Shawn introduced I – Intimacy, describing it as the human need to be truly seen, known, and accepted in all aspects of oneself — emotionally, spiritually, and physically. He explained that intimacy is experienced when we allow someone to witness our full selves without hiding: “You are most intimate when you let someone just see you for who you are. You are not hiding anything emotionally, spiritually, physically; this is me.”
He emphasized that intimacy inherently requires vulnerability. The word itself can be read as “into fear” — highlighting that fear and hesitation often accompany the desire to be known. For those impacted by abortion, this tension is profound: the heart longs to be known in its pain and shame, yet fears judgment or rejection. “Would you still love me? Look at me differently? If you knew everything about my story… I’m afraid,” he said. Healing begins when people are truly known in these vulnerable spaces.
Fr. Shawn drew parallels to the spiritual life, illustrating how individuals often “social distance” from God and others. He referenced biblical examples: the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), who initially avoided connection, and the woman caught in adultery (John 8), who experienced judgment from others and herself, yet encountered the unconditional love of Christ: “There’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus.”
He encouraged participants to reflect on their own experiences of intimacy: when have they been seen and loved without condition? How can they bring language and awareness to these experiences to reclaim agency and understanding of their own story?
Fr. Shawn introduced the concept of H.O.P., a framework for understanding trauma’s impact on the sense of agency:
- H – Helpless: Feeling unable to influence events or outcomes
- O – Overwhelmed: Feeling overloaded by emotions or circumstances beyond one’s control
- P – Powerless: Feeling stripped of choice or the ability to act
He explained that trauma often leaves individuals feeling helpless, overwhelmed, and powerless, diminishing their ability to exercise free will. By sharing their story and being listened to, individuals can begin to reclaim agency and regain a sense of control and understanding of their own experiences.
Fr. Shawn recommended Adam Young’s Make Sense of Your Story for additional insight, emphasizing the therapeutic power of articulating one’s experiences. He concluded: “The power, as we share our story, letting someone see us and being known, is deeply healing.”
THE BASIC NEED TO BE TOUCHED APPROPRIATELY
Fr. Shawn concluded the “A BISCUIT” framework with T – Touched Appropriately, emphasizing the human need for safe, affirming physical and relational contact.
He shared research on extreme deprivation in children, highlighting studies in Romania where infants were fed and bathed but denied affectionate touch and eye contact. Without connection, these children suffered profound consequences, sometimes dying. He also referenced the Still Face Experiment, a short video demonstrating the critical role of responsive interaction: when a caregiver freezes their facial expressions, an infant becomes dysregulated, crying out for connection, and quickly calms once attention and responsiveness return.
Fr. Shawn explained the physiological importance of touch. He described the “golden hour” after birth, when placing a newborn on the mother’s chest allows the infant to hear the familiar rhythm of her heartbeat. This synchronizes the baby’s heart rate, stabilizes the nervous system, and provides immediate, life-giving connection. The sensory experiences of smell and skin-to-skin contact further reinforce early bonding and emotional regulation.
He noted that inappropriate touch can create deep wounds, often contributing to shame and distorted self-perception. To help articulate these experiences, he introduced the acronym F.A.U.L.T. to describe how individuals sometimes blame themselves after experiencing sexual abuse or boundary violations:
- F – I stopped Fighting: The person may tell themselves, “I stopped resisting at some point. Therefore, it must be my fault.”
- A – Arousal occurs: Biological responses can be misinterpreted as complicity, thinking, “my body was aroused, therefore I must be complicit.”
- U – Unmet needs: Past unmet emotional or physical needs (as outlined in “A BISCUIT”) can make someone vulnerable to abuse. “I have this type A trauma. Someone else comes in and grooms me”—filling a gap in my unmet needs. This can “shatter one’s emotional, spiritual, and physical” self-image.
- L – Lack of clarity/agency: On some level, the person may feel they had a choice, even when they did not.
- T – Temporary enjoyment or relief: Moments of perceived pleasure or comfort can further complicate feelings of responsibility. “Sometimes I really enjoyed being in their company, so I must be complicit.”
Fr. Shawn explained that “there’s a lot of overlap when it comes to grooming and understanding what was the story of people’s lives about being touched appropriately.”
Fr. Shawn emphasized that trauma from inappropriate touch often manifests in the body, even when the mind or heart has suppressed or denied the experience. “The body keeps the score… the body is a truth teller,” he said, explaining that physiological reactions reveal unresolved trauma even when it has been mentally pushed aside. He illustrated this with a personal anecdote: as a young priest, he had to ask permission before anointing someone because past experiences of inappropriate touch made their body respond with instinctive fear or withdrawal.
Through this lens, Fr. Shawn reinforced that healing requires awareness, safe relational touch, and recognition of how past experiences have shaped responses to connection and intimacy. Proper, affirming touch is essential to help rebuild trust, self-worth, and relational health, particularly for those impacted by abortion or early trauma.
U.S.S.R: ACRONYM FOR HOW TO HEAL OUR HEARTS
Fr. Shawn introduced the U.S.S.R. acronym as a practical framework for guiding healing for those impacted by abortion. The acronym outlines three essential steps:
- U-S – You (or the person you’re working with) need to be Safe in their own skin: Safety is foundational. Fr. Shawn emphasized creating a physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe environment. Nonverbal cues—steady eye contact, open posture, and attentive listening—communicate that the person is accepted and valued. He noted that trauma, like that experienced by veterans, can make people hesitant to share their stories, underscoring the importance of a safe space. Grounding exercises, such as controlled breathing, can help establish this sense of security, he said.
- S – Share or tell your story: Sharing is healing Fr. Shawn said. He connected this to the “A BISCUIT” framework, highlighting that being heard improves cognitive processing and emotional integration. He encouraged expressing grief, mourning losses, and naming the baby when relevant. A prayer of lament or journaling, as suggested by Adam Young, allows the person to articulate strong emotions—anger, sorrow, or confusion—without judgment, facilitating emotional release and spiritual reconciliation.
- R – Reconnect: Reconnection emphasizes the human need for community. Fr. Shawn reminded participants that people are made for relational connection. Rebuilding relationships with others, including family, support groups, or faith communities, fosters both healing and the capacity to offer healing to others. Through reconnection, individuals can experience both the restoration of trust and the affirmation of their inherent worth.
This framework reinforces that safety, expression, and relational reconnection are essential components of guiding someone through trauma and toward healing in their heart.
CLOSING
Fr. Shawn concluded the webinar by acknowledging the intensity of the material, humorously noting, “I hope you felt like you were drinking from a fire hydrant, ’cause I felt like I was blasting you.”
Kylee expressed gratitude for his insights, remarking on his knack for memorable acronyms and thanking him for generously sharing his knowledge. Participants were left with practical tools, reflective exercises, and a deeper understanding of how connection and the “A BISCUIT” framework can support healing for those impacted by abortion.
LINKS
Click here to watch the video of this webinar.
Click here to access the A BISCUIT handout for print and phone.
Click here to register for the next Abortion Healing Provider webinar.
Click here to access Support After Abortion’s Resource Library.
Click here to explore Support After Abortion’s services, resources, and training for Abortion Healing Providers.
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