INTRO
Karin Barbito welcomed attendees to the “Strong Leaders, Full Cups” webinar and introduced Nyles Pinckney, who provided an overview. Nyles described the session as tailored for abortion healing providers who may feel drained from caregiving. He explained that Marly Ellenburg, an experienced facilitator, would share practical tools for maintaining personal wellbeing, managing personal triggers, and navigating setbacks.
Karin then formally introduced Marly Ellenburg, noting her extensive experience across various ministries and her current role overseeing the Growing Recovery Ministry at Foothills Care Center.
Marly began humorously acknowledging her Southern accent and expressing gratitude for the opportunity to speak. She shared the profound impact after-abortion care had on her, emphasizing the potential for transformation.
“We see people that are hurting and they’re broken, but we also have the opportunity to see amazing transformation,” Marly noted.
Marly illustrated the universal nature of pain with a personal story about a childhood foot injury from a BB gun, using it as a metaphor for emotional trauma. Marly stressed, “Healing is not returning to where we were, but it’s realizing who we are now,” and concluded with a reminder: “We all have pain.”
Key topics covered include:
- The role of self-awareness in managing personal triggers during facilitation
- How the limbic system shapes trauma responses
- Simple tools for emotional regulation, like breathwork and muscle relaxation
- The importance of boundaries, self-care, and support systems
- Why triggers signal growth, not failure, in the healing journey
TRIGGERS
Marly discussed triggers and their impact on emotional wellbeing. She defined a trigger as something that significantly affects your emotional state, causing overwhelm or distress and disrupting your ability to stay present. Marly emphasized, “Triggers do exactly that — they trigger us to go back to a moment and then begin to fear what may happen next.”
She explained that triggers can vary widely, from clearly traumatic reminders such as graphic images of violence to less obvious ones like songs, odors, or even colors. Marly acknowledged the cultural tendency to avoid triggers altogether, noting how often people say, “Don’t trigger me.” However, she challenged attendees to rethink their approach, encouraging them to view triggers as helpful warning lights on a car’s dashboard — signaling that attention and care are needed. Marly advised, “I just want to challenge you to look at triggers like that.”
THE LIMBIC SYSTEM
Marly introduced the limbic system as the part of the brain where triggers originate, calling it one of the most “powerful” and “fascinating” things she has studied in relation to recovery ministry.
“If we can teach ourselves and teach others about how this thing actually works, that’s pretty powerful.”
She explained that the limbic system is responsible for:
- Processing and regulating emotions
- Forming and retrieving memories
- Controlling basic survival behaviors like feeding, reproduction, and the fight-or-flight response
To illustrate how the limbic system works, Marly described a scenario where a child who experienced a house fire later reacts to the smell of smoke:
“Your brain records everything that you’re experiencing. Every sight, every smell, every sound.”
She emphasized that the limbic system is autonomic, functioning like breathing or digestion — happening without conscious thought. Because it lacks a sense of time, it reacts as though the threat is happening in the present:
“Prefrontal cortex understands time. Limbic system does not understand time. There is no continuum. The problem is now. The emergency is now.”
When triggered, the limbic system causes physical changes in the body:
- Tingling in the arms and legs
- Shallow breathing
- Changes in digestion and heart rate
She stressed the importance of doing the work to process trauma, saying, “That’s the reason why we want to work through our trauma, because we don’t want to stay in this place. It just wreaks havoc on our bodies.”
She concluded by noting that the limbic system also has a “voice” — a stream of spiraling thoughts that can surface when we’re triggered. “I understood fight or flight, but I didn’t understand that it had a voice,” she said. This mental spiral, Marly noted, is another sign that our limbic system is responding and a cue that healing work is needed.
WHAT TRIGGERS ARE NOT
Marly encouraged participants to shift their mindset about triggers, noting that while they’re often seen in a negative light, understanding them can make them functional tools. “If we look at them as functional and have understanding of them, they’re actually another tool for us,” she said.
She continued the discussion by clarifying common misconceptions:
- Triggers are not places to be avoided. Marly acknowledged that when trauma runs deep, it’s important to go slow and rely on support systems like counselors, mentors, and friends. She urged participants to listen to themselves, saying, “The first person you parent is yourself.” She explained that some counselors refer to the limbic system as the “toddler brain,” and when we’re emotionally overwhelmed, we need to ask, “What’s wrong? What do I need?” just as you would an upset child.
- Triggers are not failures. Marly emphasized that being triggered does not mean a person has done something wrong or lost progress. “It is just a function of our system,” she explained, encouraging facilitators to show themselves compassion and grace.
- Triggers are not a weakness. Marly reminded attendees that experiencing triggers is part of the healing journey. “Choosing to heal is not a weakness, it’s a strength,” she said.
“I’M TRIGGERED!”
Marly then walked through what to do when triggered, emphasizing that while it may feel overwhelming, “knowledge is power.” She compared the limbic system to a home alarm system, adding that the key is knowing the code to disarm it.
“You’re just going to take a deep breath. You’re going to ask yourself questions.”
She explained the physiological reason this works: when the body is triggered, breathing becomes shallow. Taking a deep, intentional breath signals to the limbic system that you are safe. “It is signaling to your limbic system, I’m okay,” she said. Marly also mentioned placing her hand on her chest as a calming physical cue that “I’m okay.”
She encouraged facilitators to have a plan for what to do if they’re triggered in a group setting:
- Practice breathing techniques ahead of time.
- Step out if needed, even for a moment to get a glass of water.
- “Leaders model,” so be transparent with the group. For example, you can always say: “Hey guys, I need to step aside for a moment.”
Marly explained that intentional deep breathing helps re-engage the prefrontal cortex.
She offered a simple breathing practice:
- Breathe in deeply for 3 seconds
- Hold for 3 seconds
- Exhale with a sigh. This method, she said, “lets your limbic system know there’s no danger.”
Marly also introduced progressive muscle relaxation as another technique. By tensing and then releasing parts of the body — like flexing the legs — “you fool your limbic system into thinking the fight is over.”
She advised having someone to process your feelings with after a session — a trusted person who can listen without judgment. “You need to process through those thoughts,” she said, noting that trauma often comes with lies about identity. “There are lies that are connected with those traumas… that absolutely are not true.”
To prepare, she encouraged facilitators to build support into their routines:
“Let that be part of your process of getting ready for your group… say, ‘Hey, I’ve got a group starting up and I’m going to need you.’”
Marly closed by emphasizing the importance of purpose in this work. “There is no movement like this,” she said, reflecting on the weight of supporting those who are grieving or healing from abortion.
Speaking candidly about the internal battles many leaders face, Marly reminded participants that the harshest voice we often hear is our own.
“The worst perpetrator I’ve ever had in my life is myself,” she admitted.
She urged attendees to confront the lies they quietly accept about themselves — lies rooted in past trauma — and replace them with truth and compassion. If a friend spoke to us the way we speak to ourselves, she said, we’d cut them out of our lives. And yet, “we tolerate that from ourselves.”
“If a friend lies to me, I get angry and I’m ready to cut them out of my life. But I receive lies from myself each and every day. Handling our business, we have to deal with that chaos, that static that can often happen from our trauma experiences, and sort through those. Unraveled Roots is really great for that.”
Marly offered three simple but essential reminders for facilitators walking alongside others in their healing:
- Have a plan
- Have a person
- Know your purpose
WHERE’S MY CUP?
Marly invited participants to pause and reflect on a key question: Are you serving others from a full cup? She emphasized that personal wellbeing is not optional — it’s foundational for those who lead and support others through healing.
“We each have personhood,” she said. “We each have control over this person, this body, and nothing else.” Marly explained that a lack of boundaries, whether with others or within ourselves, often leads to frustration and burnout. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for sustainable caregiving.
She encouraged participants to take ownership of every part of their wellbeing:
- Mental
- Physical
- Emotional
- Spiritual
Self-care, she noted, isn’t about surface-level fixes. “A lot of times whenever we talk about self-care, it’s go get the hair done, go get the nails done, but self-care is really about taking responsibility for self.” That might mean going to the doctor, making time for rest, or tending to emotional needs that are too easy to ignore.
Presence, she said, is a key outcome of good self-care. “If I wasn’t present in this moment, as I’m leading, as I’m talking in this webinar, it would be a mess.” Marly reminded facilitators that they often tell participants to care for themselves, such as getting enough sleep and drinking water, “but how often do we apply that to ourselves?”
OBSTACLES
As she concluded, Marly encouraged attendees to be honest and compassionate with themselves, and to take action where it’s needed. “Don’t just say it. Do it,” she urged.
Speaking directly to those who might feel stuck, she offered a gentle but firm challenge. “Whatever it is, there’s something that you’ve been procrastinating about doing, and I want to encourage you to do it today.”
Q&A
Q: Is there hope if I can’t control my triggers?
A: Marly responded by reframing the limbic system as a gift, not a burden. “This is a system. This is what keeps us alive each and every day. This is what keeps us from stepping off the curb in front of a bus.” The key, she explained, is understanding its function so we don’t interpret every triggered emotion as reality.
“Imagine your life without a limbic system. We would be walking into fires and picking up hot pans.”
Q: How do you lead while triggered?
A: Marly recalled a time when a group participant became visibly angry. Although the woman denied it, her body told a different story. Marly noticed her own internal reaction and took a deep breath to regulate herself.
“That trigger actually helped me to identify her anger… it actually worked as a benefit in that moment.”
Marly reminded facilitators that resolved trauma does not mean a trigger-free life. Triggers can still surface, but with awareness and healing, they no longer have control.
“Instead of that wound controlling my behavior, I can now have control over my behavior.”
Nyles shared his own experience with being triggered, especially after his abortion experience. “When I feel triggered, I’ll have this process of taking a deep breath… to bring myself to balance.” Music, particularly slower old-school R&B, is another tool he uses.
He added a quote that helps him adapt to situations and balance himself::
“Be water, my friend.” – Bruce Lee
Nyles also shared a deeper personal trigger — being made to feel small or misjudged in character. As a large person who’s always been conscious of his physical presence, he expressed how being misunderstood or diminished has impacted him since childhood. “That could come from just small situations that make me feel a little bit of anxiety or overwhelmed.”
Q: What are some of the obstacles that would come up for us when we either are not accepting or aware of triggers or aren’t adequately pouring into ourselves?
A: Marly outlined several emotional obstacles that can keep facilitators from caring for themselves well:
- Self-dismissal: Saying “I’m fine” without checking in can lead to ignoring real needs.
- Guilt: Stems from behavior — feeling bad about something you did.
- Shame: Goes deeper, affecting identity. “Shame is more of a limbic response than guilt… It’s almost as if our existence feels threatened.”
- Pride: A learned resistance to showing vulnerability. “I was raised as a southern woman… you don’t show weakness. I had to grow up and understand that talking about my feelings isn’t weakness — it’s connection.”
Nyles echoed Marly’s thoughts on pride, noting that many men struggle with the pressure to have it all handled. “That’s one of our biggest downfalls.”
Q: Are triggers failures?
A: Marly acknowledged how deeply trauma can impact our sense of identity, noting that one of the hardest parts of healing is separating who we are from what we’ve experienced. She shared that she now views triggers as part of her healing process—not as a setback, but as a signal of growth.
“I may not have done this exactly right, but I have progressed. I may have gotten a little upset, but not the way that I used to.”
She emphasized the importance of self-compassion and reframing our perspective when triggers arise.
“Triggers are not failures.”
Q: What is the muscle tightening and releasing exercise called?
A: Marly identified it as progressive muscle relaxation and gave a live demonstration, encouraging participants to engage their upper body muscles, hold tension, and then release it to signal calm to the limbic system.
Nyles confirmed he also uses this technique, particularly during physical training or moments of stress.
Q: How do I balance being vulnerable in group without making it about me?
A: Marly explained it’s about how you present yourself. If she needs to step out of group, she later uses it as a teaching moment. “It becomes a deeper point of connection… an opportunity to build trust.”
Q: What does self-care actually look like?
A: Self-care is unique to the individual. Marly gave examples such as:
- Drinking water
- Daily movement
- Making doctor or dentist appointments
- Connecting with a counselor, especially during transitions
“It’s about being honest with yourself, knowing what you need, and providing it.”
Q: How do I find the right person for support during group?
A: Choose someone already in your life who listens well and doesn’t try to fix or advise. Marly emphasized being clear with this person: “I am picking you to be my person.” Set boundaries upfront and communicate that support will not be reciprocal during group season.
“We just have to be honest. I think a lot of times that’s where we trip ourselves up is by not being honest.”
NEXT STEPS
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