Finding joy after abortion can feel like an impossible journey, especially during the holidays when the world around you seems focused on celebration. The pressure to be happy, merry, and bright can intensify the weight of your emotions, making it hard to imagine ever feeling joy again. To say that the holidays are hard has risen to the level of cliché, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Wherever you are in your healing journey, there is a strong chance that the holidays will be triggering and therefore create additional challenges. (For more on triggers, read our recent blog and webinar recap.)
One of the most frustrating and even angering aspects of this time of year can be the emphasis on joy. When you’re going through it, feeling the cultural pressure to be joyful, merry, and bright can be painful. Sometimes, well-meaning people can compound this pressure with unasked for advice to “just be happy.”
The truth is, it is very difficult to step back into joy when we have experienced suffering related to our abortion experiences. At some point, however, it is a choice we need to make. Not only for our own lives, but the lives of those around us.
You might not be ready to do that right now, and that’s okay.
Even if you are not, it can be worthwhile to explore what it might feel like when you are ready. For those who are walking back into joy already, or feel they’re close to taking that first step, let’s talk about joy.
HOW DO WE OPEN THE DOOR TO JOY AFTER ABORTION?
My counselor, a man I trusted and knew well, and who knew me and my story well gave me homework one day. “Go plant something in your garden,” he said. “And listen to music.”
My stomach dropped.
I had not willingly listened to music in years. To hear something that forced me to feel would put a crack in the dam in my mind that held back an ocean of feeling.
My counselor knew this, so I had to trust that this would be, ultimately, for my own good. I did my homework. I planted a seemingly dead white iris in my garden, even though it was winter. I listened to Mozart. I cried a lot, but it also felt good to say hello to beautiful things again.
Had anybody else told me to cheer up at that point in time, I doubt I would have handled it well. Especially during the holidays when everything can feel so tender. I am glad I did that homework—the following spring, the iris sprang to life with giant white blooms. I love that plant now and everything it represents.
When we have experienced hurt, we almost inevitably hide some (or a lot) of that hurt away from the world. We do this so we can go on living, go to work, do our duties, function from day to day. This is especially true if this hurt comes from abortion experiences, as the topic can be highly sensitive and difficult to discuss openly without facing judgment or societal pressure.
All of that hurt stored away becomes entangled with our other feelings, especially joy and hope. To access joy and hope, we also need to open the door to our hurt.
This is hard.
There is the uncertainty of just how much hurt and pain will be waiting for us, but we often suspect it is going to be a lot. Maybe an unmanageable amount, and it can feel safer to leave everything where it is—after all, keeping it all stored away keeps us functioning. But there is a price to pay for holding onto that hurt. It is not a benign weight we carry, but rather a malignant growth that continues to do harm for as long as it is held.
This is one of the reasons why joy is so powerful. If you open the door to joy, so much will come with it.
What then, does it look like to open the door to joy after abortion?
Each door is going to be unique to the individual. The most powerful doors to joy often involve great loves and core memories. For someone, their door to joy might be opened by the act of baking a family recipe. The feeling of kneading the dough is visceral and pleasant, the satisfaction of seeing the bread rise brings happiness, and the entire process calls to mind the time spent with loved ones who taught the recipe.
It is a good thing.
So why does baking our grandmother’s bread make us cry so hard?
Often, we are mourning the loss of who we were in those memories, of the relationships we had, of the loved ones who were in our lives. Even if those people are still with us, things have changed. We have gone through something that our younger self could not have imagined, and it has wounded us.
However, these things that brought us joy—whether it is baking, playing music, reading, hiking, doing our makeup, working with animals—whatever it might be, there is a reason why it brought us joy. It clicks with us on a soul-deep level, and our soul is still intact, whatever wounds we may have suffered.
Opening the door to joy after abortion may bring a rush of grief along with it, but hopefully over time the grief abates, leaving behind mostly joy.
It is important to be honest about how scary it can be to open that door. Therapist Robin Helget notes in her essay on joy, “Sometimes the risk of losing joy is too much, so we sabotage and lose it ourselves so that we can avoid feeling the pain of that loss. Knowing this is the first step to changing your view of joy.” For those who absorb information better when it is both seen and heard, check out this interview with Dr. Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey about the terrifying aspect of joy.
Ultimately, it takes great courage to be joyful.
SEARCHING OUT NEW SOURCES OF JOY AFTER ABORTION
I had always wanted to try indoor rock climbing, but my family didn’t do things like that. There was this sort of country pride that looked down on that kind of thing. My dad would say, “If you’re outside working hard from dawn to dusk, you don’t need to pay to workout.”
After my abortion, I felt so shunned by everyone, I withdrew from my family. That’s been difficult. Really difficult. But I found a silver lining—I decided to try things I had avoided in the past because I didn’t want to be judged by others. It was little things at first. I mean little. Like going to a different fast food restaurant.
Then I realized—I could try indoor rock climbing.
I almost turned back several times on the way over. But once I got there, the people were so nice and before I knew it, they had me rigged up and ready to go.
Here’s the crazy thing—it was just as fun as I thought it would be. And I was good at it! When I got to the top, I smiled so big it felt weird. It hit me—it’d been so long since I smiled so big that smiling feels strange. That thought made me cry.
I’m sure the instructor had some thoughts, but she was really kind to me, and I felt safer than I had in a long time even though I was 50 feet up in the air.
Change is rarely easy, even when it’s happy, positive change. When change is brought about by trauma, it can be extremely difficult to navigate. However, even in the most challenging circumstances, change can break you open to new possibilities. It might take time to be able to get to that place of taking advantage of change, but once enough healing has occurred, you might find yourself ready to embrace a new version of yourself. This new version might be scary at first, but the reward could become feeling more comfortable in your skin.
One of the key components to being able to search out new sources of joy is curiosity. The importance of curiosity to a good life is often underrated. Curiosity prompts us to try new things, to open our mind, to try to better understand other people and ourselves. It is a necessary ingredient in any change for the better that we might make. Curiosity can also give a big boost to compassion and empathy.
However, it is impossible to be curious if we are stuck in fear, anger, or sadness. Those heavy emotions do not leave room for us to exercise curiosity. The good news is, we can train our brains to be more curious. The Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin has been exploring the importance of curiosity, and how to create a more curious mind through meditation. The Center stresses that meditation practices don’t need to be simply sitting on the floor while attempting to clear the mind. You can meditate while brushing your teeth, for example. And your meditation could be a series of questions you answer to increase your curiosity.
Another ingredient to joy is gratitude. Famous researcher Dr. Brené Brown discovered the link between a practice of gratitude and those who describe themselves as joyful people. Dr. Brown stresses the “practice” part of this equation, stating, “These folks shared in common a tangible gratitude practice. Some of them kept gratitude journals. Some of them did interesting things like at 12:34 every day, they said something out loud that they were grateful for in their lives.”
Dr. Brown started to implement this practice in her own life, with her family members stating something they’re grateful for after saying grace before dinner. She believes this practice has made her family more joyful. Dr. Brown concludes, “There is a great quote by a Jesuit priest that says, “It’s not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful.” Embracing this idea can be life changing.
WHAT IS JOY ANYWAY?
A year ago, I got serious about healing from my abortion experiences. My aunt has become like my mentor. She’s the only one who has been through what I’ve been through, and she has done so much with her life since. I really admire the way she’s left a lot of the negative stuff in our family behind to become something so much better.
Lately, my aunt has been telling me I need to find joy. I love her, but I just don’t understand what this means. It makes it sound like there’s some little elf named Joy, and I’ll find her hiding behind a tree one day or something. I think happiness is a lot easier to say what it is, but the truth is, I don’t have either happiness or joy. And I don’t even know what joy looks like. I feel like if I can understand it, I’ll have a better shot at finding it.
The dictionary definition of joy is simple. It is a noun meaning, “the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires” or even more simply, “a state of happiness.” However, joy is a more loaded term than would appear on the surface.
The great writer C.S. Lewis wrote an entire book about his search for joy and how he defined the term. Surprised by Joy is Lewis’s short autobiography, primarily detailing his childhood and his conversion to Christianity, but he digs deep into the concept of joy and his experience of it. For Lewis, joy was “a deep longing of the soul that is more satisfying than any earthly happiness.”
A much more recent cultural reference to joy comes from the minimalist movement popularized by Marie Kondo. Her famous question, “Does this spark joy?” was used to help people declutter their homes, making it easier to decide what should stay and what should go. This idea comes from the Japanese word “tokimeku,” which means “to flutter,” evoking a sense of lightness and excitement.
Objects that inspire us, that make our hearts flutter, can be said to “spark joy.” Of course, this way of thinking does not need to be limited to cleaning house. When choosing where we will put our energy and our effort, we can select what opens the door to joy – perhaps volunteering for a cause that means a lot to us, spending time with good people who fill our cup with kindness, carving out time for ourselves to do something that brings us peace—a hobby, sport, or project.
Of course, another sign that joy carries more with it than simple happiness is its prominence during the holidays. There might be passing mentions of the “joy of summer,” but the holiday season claims the word “joy” more than any other time of the year. This despite the cold and dark of winter. Certainly, the surface definition of joy would seem to be more appropriate for summertime, so why does it belong to winter?
Naturally, there is a strong connection to Christmas. The word “joy” is used to describe the birth of Christ in the Bible, and that application has carried on. Many Christmas carols feature joy, as do religious Christmas cards. But even outside of this Christian context, joy and its deeper associations to purpose, gratitude, compassion, and courage make sense in the winter, with its quieter sense of peace and hope.
IT’S OKAY TO START SMALL
Yesterday, I put the kids to bed and tried to get to work. I felt like I should get at least two hours in at home, but it dawned on me that I didn’t have to do that. I still had plenty of time left to get everything done over the course of the week. I decided to watch a cheesy romantic comedy instead. After about ten minutes, it occurred to me I could make myself some popcorn. I hadn’t made popcorn for just myself in so long. It felt so decadent. I know that must sound kind of pathetic, but taking that kind of time to indulge myself and just rest—I literally don’t know the last time I did that. I think I’ve been hiding in being constantly productive for a long time now, and it definitely got a lot worse after my abortion experiences. My little movie date by myself in my own living room was amazing. I’m so glad I did it. I’m planning on making it a regular thing.
It is okay to start small. In fact, it might be the only way to start when it comes to opening the door to joy.
Pursuing something that is unique to you and that you find joyful can make all the difference. Someone else might love jogging, and maybe that seems like the “right” thing to do, but if it doesn’t spark joy for you, that’s not what is going to open your door.
Don’t be surprised if it feels scary. Joy and everything that comes with it are big, big feelings, and that can be frightening. Even “terrifying” according to experts. Give yourself grace if it seems like a lot, or even too much.
The pressures of the holiday to feel joyful are often completely at odds with what will actually bring us joy. It’s okay to protect yourself from high pressure, triggering situations.
Know that progress is not a straight arrow that goes up, up, up. The holidays are likely to bring us both ups and downs, and that’s okay. You will get through this.
FINDING JOY AFTER ABORTION IN SMALL MOMENTS
After an abortion, healing often feels like a long and complex journey. But in the midst of processing emotions and working through the past, finding joy in small, everyday moments can help anchor you. These glimpses of light don’t erase the challenges, but they remind you that beauty and hope are still present.
These moments don’t have to be dramatic or life-changing. Here are some of the ideas we’ve mentioned so far:
- planting flowers
- baking
- playing music
- reading
- hiking
- doing your makeup
- working with animals
- exercising
- volunteering
- spending time with people who uplift you
- hobbies, sports, or projects that bring you peace
- watching a movie
- making popcorn
Even something as simple as savoring the quiet beauty of a sunset or enjoying a laugh with a friend counts as a step toward reclaiming joy. Deb Dana, LCSW —an expert on how the nervous system responds to stress, safety, and social connections—describes these small, positive experiences as “glimmers.” Unlike triggers, which activate stress or pain, glimmers activate feelings of safety, connection, and calm. They’re the little things—like sunlight filtering through trees or the sound of rain—that help your nervous system settle and allow you to feel grounded, even when you’re grieving.
Joy can show up in these unexpected ways — like the warmth of your pet snuggling beside you, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, or a quiet moment when you feel at peace just sitting still. These are moments of renewal, much like planting a seemingly lifeless iris in winter and trusting that spring will bring it back to life.
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to “be happy” or pretending nothing happened. It’s about making space for joy alongside your pain. Recognizing the small moments that lift your heart—whether it’s a bird chirping outside your window, a deep breath of fresh air, or a stranger’s smile—helps you reconnect with life’s goodness.
“These glimmers are invitations to pause and notice,” Dana says. “They remind us that even in times of sorrow, our capacity to feel connection and joy remains.”
Give yourself permission to seek and savor these glimmers, no matter how small they seem. They’re not just distractions—they’re part of the foundation for rebuilding hope, strength, and wholeness after abortion.
And when you plant your own metaphorical iris—whether it’s reconnecting with music, starting a new habit, or cultivating a sense of peace—pause to notice its progress. Even the smallest shoots of growth deserve recognition. Like that white iris bursting into bloom, each step forward, no matter how small, brings its own sense of joy. Recognizing this growth is a testament to your resilience and quiet strength that moves you toward healing and hope, step by step.
Ask yourself: What’s one thing I could try today to bring a spark of joy into my life?
FINDING JOY AFTER ABORTION THROUGH HEALING
Healing after abortion is not just about moving past the pain—it’s about rediscovering joy in your life. The journey to joy can be challenging, but with the right support, it’s possible to reclaim the peace and fulfillment you deserve. Whether you’re at the beginning of your journey or looking to explore deeper healing, there are resources available to guide you every step of the way.
We encourage you to join our upcoming Drop-in Holiday Support Group, a welcoming space where you can share your story, connect with others, and receive the compassion and encouragement needed to find joy in the healing process. This virtual group for women will meet on Dec 17 at 5:30pm ET. Just click here to join via Zoom.
Additionally, visit supportafterabortion.com to access a variety of resources designed to support you in your healing journey:
- Keys to Hope and Healing is an introductory secular resource for women and men in both English and Spanish. Resources include booklets, journals, self-guided video series, prayer booklets, and facilitator guides and training videos. Click HERE.
- Unraveled Roots is a resource that helps uncover the root causes of destructive behaviors, enabling you to break free from patterns and create lasting, healthier changes. Resources for women and men include print and digital books, journals, self-guided video series, and an audiobook for men, along with facilitator guides and training videos. Click HERE.
HOW CAN I CONTACT THE AFTER ABORTION LINE?
Reach out to our After Abortion Line by online chat, phone, text, email, or messaging on Facebook or Instagram. We offer confidential, compassionate support at no cost to you. We can connect you to the healing resource that best meets your preferences – that may be one-on-one, group, or independent; counseling or peer facilitator; virtual, in person, or self-guided; religious or secular, etc.
Healing opens the door to joy after abortion, and your well-being is worth investing in. Start today, and let the path to healing lead you to the joy you’ve been waiting for.
DO YOU – OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO – PROVIDE AFTER-ABORTION SUPPORT?
Explore our Provider Training Center and attend our free monthly Abortion Healing Provider webinars and Quarterly Facilitator Trainings.
© Support After Abortion