As an abortion healing facilitator, as someone who sits with others in their pain, I know—or thought I had a good idea of—what to do with grief. I talk with other fellow facilitators about it most days, guide people through it, and tell them it’s okay to not be okay.
But when grief hit me personally, I didn’t use what I knew. Recently, I lost a friend who died by suicide, and I realized something: knowing how to process grief and actually doing it are two very different things.
The Gap Between Knowing Grief and Feeling It
If someone came to me and said they were grieving, I would tell them things like:
- Let yourself fall apart at first. Feel all of it.
- Don’t rush through it.
- If you can, tell someone you trust.
- If you’re not ready to talk, write it down. Just let the pen go. Don’t overthink it.
- Come back and read it later when your mind is clearer.
I validate their experience and tell them it’s normal. I tell them they don’t have to fight through it. But when I found out about my friend…I didn’t do any of that.
I still went to the gym that morning just like every day. I picked the rack in the corner, kept my hoodie on, and tightened it as much as was comfortable. It was hard to fight through, I was emotional and even got teary-eyed in between reps. But I kept going.
I went to work like it was any other day even though it felt like all the grief was weighing me down. I went straight onto a shift on our After Abortion Line. And I ended up talking with a young man who was thinking about taking his own life because of his emotional pain after his partner’s abortion. I had just found out about my friend, and now I’m helping someone else fight the same battle.
Even as I stayed present and followed our protocols to support that young man, I was privately carrying my own heavy news and pain. Even with that situation, I still didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me. I just pushed through because that’s what’s comfortable to me.
The Athlete Instinct: Why Men Hide Grief to “Stay on the Field”
If I’m being honest, that mindset comes from being an athlete. As athletes, we’re conditioned with many thoughts and ideas to “block out the outside noise.” We live by sayings such as, “Whatever is going on off the field, leave it there,” “Don’t let anything interrupt performance,” and “Handle business first. Emotions later.”
So that’s what I did… I went back to my athletic instinct. I told myself, “You’re only on the line for a few hours. Fight through it. Don’t stress the team out. Don’t make someone else have to step in.”
I did just that years ago—after my then-girlfriend’s abortion and my grandmother’s passing. I was struggling, but as soon as I stepped foot in that facility, everything was football. I’d think about my personal emotional problems after. It can be hard to do, and sometimes they leak in different ways, but it’s what I know.
I nudged myself the way a coach nudges you. The same way I nudge my son to get ready for bed when he’s moving too slow. I was on my own back, telling myself, “Come on, don’t sit in this. Put on that mask, you got projects to do.” What I didn’t realize at that moment was that I was putting performance over my own emotional well-being. I was doing the exact opposite of what I would tell someone else to do.
The Struggle to Process Sudden Loss and Suicide
Part of it was that it was still fresh. I couldn’t even fully put into words what I was feeling. So instead of talking about my actual emotions, I generalized. I talked about grief in theory. I pulled lessons from it. I stayed in what felt safe.
It’s easier to speak in general than to say, “This hurts.” Even when we know better, sometimes we only go as deep as we’re ready to go.
Breaking the Silence: Choosing Conversation Over Isolation in Grief
What changed for me was finally saying it out loud. I told my girlfriend, then I told my coworkers.
And once I said it, I could actually sit in it. I had to accept that my friend was gone. I had to accept that I can’t be everywhere for everyone. And the hardest was: I had to let go of the guilt of not checking in with him more.
Helping that young man on the After Abortion Line meant something to me. In a way, it felt like honoring my friend. But I also had to understand that helping someone else doesn’t replace grieving your own loss.
I had to stop pushing myself and let myself feel it.
Redefining Strength: Finding Authentic Connection After Loss
I’ve experienced multiple losses in my life — teammates, friends, people taken too early. When you’re young, loss is different. It reminds you your time isn’t promised.
At first, I felt this responsibility—like I need to check on everyone, watch for signs, make sure I don’t miss something again.
But I’ve learned I can’t be Superman. But what I can do is check in when I can, make conversations count, and build connections—new and old. Not out of fear — but because it’s becoming part of who I am.
From Leading to Receiving: A Message for Abortion Healing Providers
If you walk with others through after abortion grief, hear me as someone who thought they knew grief well:
You are not above the pain of grief.
You are not immune to the weight of grief.
And you are not weak if you struggle to practice what you teach about grief.
Sometimes we fight our own grief. We may feel worn down—mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually—from the weight, but we push through because we know the language. But knowing the language of grieving isn’t the same as living the process. And we need to go through that process for our own healing.
We have to allow ourselves to feel the things we teach, choose our well-being over performance, and remember what we tell others: “you don’t have to go through this alone.”
© Support After Abortion
Nyles Pinckney serves as Men’s Healing Coordinator for Support After Abortion. Drawing on a high-level athletic career—including two National Championship rings—Nyles understands the internal pressure to perform through pain, a struggle he faced personally while navigating his own abortion healing journey. He is dedicated to coaching, parenting, and helping individuals find authentic healing after abortion. Beyond his direct work on the After Abortion Line and in facilitating support groups, Nyles equips providers with training and resources to enhance their work with men and women struggling after abortion.
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