How one man found healing after 15 years of buried grief, addiction, and shame following an abortion decision.
MEN’S HEALING AFTER ABORTION
When abortion becomes part of your story as a man, it can feel like there’s no way forward. But pain doesn’t stay buried. It finds cracks. It seeps into everything.
Thomas shares his story of regret, addiction, and running, and what helped him finally start to heal.
WHY MEN’S ABORTION STORIES LIKE THOMAS’S MATTER
At Support After Abortion, we’ve seen how powerful men’s stories can be. Stories like Thomas’s don’t just raise awareness—they open doors. For someone carrying the weight of abortion experiences, hearing someone say, “Here’s what I went through—and here’s how I started to heal,” can be the first step toward hope.
Science backs that up. When we truly connect with someone’s story, our brains release oxytocin—the chemical tied to empathy and connection. That’s why stories stay with us longer than facts or stats. They don’t just inform. They move us. (We share more on this in our The Power of Storytelling webinar recap.)
And it’s not just powerful for the listener. As one of our webinar speakers put it: “Telling your story is good medicine.” When someone shares their truth in a way that feels safe and honored, it can ease anxiety, spark connection, and begin the shift from shame to healing.
That’s why we created this video series. Real stories. Real voices. Shared with care.
Keep reading for the full transcript of Thomas’s video, powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut, a behind-the-scenes look at how we honor these stories, and tips to care for yourself after hearing someone’s pain and challenges.
FROM ADDICTION TO BREAKTHROUGH – THOMAS’S STORY
The background that led to the crisis:
Hey, my name’s Thomas, and this is my story.
I look back on my childhood, and it feels like what wound up happening shouldn’t have happened. I have great parents—they’re still married—and I grew up surrounded by family. Uncles, aunts, cousins—we were happy, we went to church regularly. But I guess I always enjoyed a good time, and in high school I started drinking, smoking, dating—the whole deal. Looking back, I see a lot of that was me dealing with confidence issues.
THE DECISION THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING
When I was 21, I got a girl pregnant. I didn’t love her. I also didn’t love myself, although I didn’t know that at the time. I was in the middle of a party, you know? Like, life was a party, and a pregnancy was not a part of my party plans.
She was waiting on what I would say, and what I said was, “have an abortion.” So, it was me who swayed it. I made the call.
When it was over, my first reaction was relief. But the very next morning, a very different feeling hit.
THE SPIRAL INTO DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR
Years later, after I’d started working on my healing, I had an epiphany in a grocery store parking lot. It hit me that so many of the bad things that happened, things that would spiderweb out and impact my life for the next fifteen years, all happened within two months of the abortion.
I made so many bad decisions. Drugs, alcohol, acting out, horrible relationships with women, the wrong friends, just complete destruction.
FINDING COURAGE TO CHANGE
Finally, I made a good choice. I moved away from my hometown. I wanted to quit drinking, and I didn’t think I could do that surrounded by the same old scene. Just a couple days after the move, it was Father’s Day, and I got black-out drunk, which, you know, wasn’t a coincidence. But the next day I got my courage up and went to an AA meeting.
THE PATH TO ABORTION HEALING
Getting sober felt amazing. I started going to church again. Then a friend encouraged me to go to Support After Abortion’s Keys to Hope and Healing program. It was strange, because I’d gone to confession, I was going to AA, and I felt good about my progress. So, on the one hand, I didn’t feel like I needed more healing, but on the other hand, I found myself signing up.
One of the things that blew my mind about that support group experience was how many older guys were there, which just goes to show how long men can bury their feelings. And these older guys, they seemed like my dad. The kind of men who never do anything wrong, but here they were, saying all the same things I’d thought and felt. It showed me I wasn’t alone.
THE PAIN OF FATHER’S DAY
You know, the early years after the abortion are kind of a blur, but I do remember how painful Father’s Day became. Mother’s Day, I was fine, cheerful for my mom. But Father’s Day was different. I’d go to church with my parents, and see my dad and others stand up when the priest would recognize all the fathers on Father’s Day, and I’d think, “I should be a father.” And I’d wonder, “Why did I run from something that could have been so great?” I was in my 30’s and still living like an immature kid. I felt like a coward. The men who went through Keys to Hope and Healing with me understood exactly how I felt.
DEEP HEALING THROUGH 12-STEP RECOVERY
I moved on to a deeper, 12-Step abortion healing program and continued to process all those emotions. It wasn’t easy. It was the opposite of easy, actually. It was hard. It was uncomfortable.
But as I worked my way through those 12 Steps, I can’t tell you the healing I experienced. I released so much tension I’d been stuffing down for so long. I had physical pains that left. It was wild, I’m telling you. And now, I feel so much freedom.
WHY THOMAS SHARES HIS STORY
I am sharing my story because of how much abortion healing has impacted me for the good. I believe there are so many people hurting because of their abortions, some even drinking and doing drugs like me. And it breaks my heart because I was there. I know what it’s like. But life doesn’t have to be like that. It can be so much better. I’m hoping that by sharing my story, I can help somebody else find the healing that has changed my life.
THE HIDDEN PAIN: WHAT DIDN’T MAKE THE VIDEO
In our interview, Thomas shared much more than we could fit into the five-minute video. Some of it was painful. Some of it hopeful. All of it real.
Here are a few powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut—but still speak volumes:
When Forgiveness Isn’t Enough
After the abortion, Thomas went to confession.
“Jesus forgave me, but I didn’t forgive myself.”
That disconnect opened the door to years of destructive behaviors.
“I just ran from it for so long—if it did enter my mind, I’d distract myself with drinking or whatever and push it down.”
Living With What Could Have Been
As his friends got married and had children, Thomas found himself haunted by what could’ve been.
“My kid would have been five now… six now…”
“I felt like I had been a coward—afraid of having a kid.”
Grief doesn’t always show up openly. Sometimes, it sounds like regret wrapped in silence.
Getting to the Root
Sobriety was a turning point for Thomas—but it didn’t address his deeper pain.
“Getting help with the alcohol was the start of healing. But I didn’t know the root was the abortion. I had to get rid of the obsession and cloudiness of drinking to dig deeper.”
Only when the fog lifted did he start to see what was really underneath.
Processing and Finding Support
Joining a Keys to Hope and Healing group gave Thomas something new: clarity and compassion—for himself.
“It helped me see why I made that decision—and to know I’m not a bad, horrible person.”
“The other guys and the facilitator had so many suggestions for how to handle the effects of the abortion—mentally and prayerfully.”
And when the six weeks ended?
“I liked it so much, I really missed it.”
That’s what led him to commit to a deeper, 12-step abortion healing program.
Trying to Make Up for the Past
Years after the abortion, Thomas found himself in an unhealthy relationship. Friends expressed concern, but he stayed.
“Staying felt like penance. I didn’t think I deserved to have my own kids, and taking care of hers felt like maybe it would help make up for mine that I lost.”
When pain and shame go unhealed, they don’t just distort the past—they rewrite what we believe we deserve in the present and influence the decisions we make.
Bringing Healing Into Everyday Conversations
In his work, Thomas talks with a lot of men—and shares that “talking about emotional stuff just doesn’t happen.” Yet, he started creating room for it.
“Not even super sensitive stuff—just conversation. I’d admit my mistakes and flaws. But I told them with hope: I’m healing, I changed my life. Then they want to hear how and why.”
He’s not pushing. He’s inviting. And for many men, that’s a door they’ve been waiting for.
UNDERSTANDING DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF IN MEN: WHEN YOU CAN’T MOURN WHAT YOU’VE LOST
Not all grief is open or loud. Sometimes it’s hiding beneath the surface—under shame, guilt, regret, or emotions you’ve never even acknowledged.
Thomas’s story isn’t just about abortion regret. It’s about what can happen when painful experiences go unprocessed—a long-term internal shutdown that can ripple through decades, behaviors, relationships, and more.
One reason that often leads people—especially men—to not process emotions around abortion is disenfranchised grief.
“Disenfranchised grief is grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”
— Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow
Dr. Doka writes that thinking you don’t have a right to grieve can stem from shame, guilt, fear of judgment, belief that others won’t understand or validate your grief, and internalized cultural norms. That includes ideas like “men shouldn’t talk about their feelings.”
That’s exactly what Thomas experienced. Thomas may not have had anyone directly telling him to stay quiet about the abortion or openly judging him for it. His silence came from within.
For years no one knew. There are countless men like Thomas—carrying a weight they’ve never been able to name out loud. Breaking that silence—even with one trusted person—can help the healing begin.
LISTENING WITH COMPASSION, RESPONDING WITH CARE
From Our Side of the Story
At Support After Abortion, storytelling is an honor—and a responsibility. Behind every story is a real person who has lived through pain, and our role is to make sure their voice, their experience, is handled with care, empathy, and respect.
When we interview someone sharing their story—whether for these videos, blog articles, webinars, books, or other resources—we prioritize compassion, collaboration, and ethical, trauma-informed storytelling best practices.
The initial interviews can last an hour or more. “I don’t rush, I don’t assume,” says Michele Mazelin, Support After Abortion Communications Manager. “I listen, I invite, and I give them a safe space to be heard and to tell their story in whatever way is meaningful for them.”
Our process prioritizes agency and collaboration. “We don’t start with a goal or an idea of what their story should be,” Michele said. We invite them to share whatever feels important to them in their lived experience and healing journey. Then we write their story based on what they actually say. Their words shape the content, the tone, the direction. Their experience leads the way.
Sometimes they pause. Sometimes they circle back. Sometimes they chose not to share certain things. Or sometimes they share a part of their story, but ask not to include it. And we honor it all. That’s what it means to respect someone’s story: you don’t push, you protect.
That protection of their story—and their privacy—is why we don’t use the person’s real name or the real names of anyone in their story. It’s why we omit any details that might identify them. And it’s why we use an actor to portray the individual’s story.
During the Power of Storytelling webinar, Michele emphasized that “It’s not our story to use—it’s their story to offer.” So, we engage them in the process, including reviewing the script drafts, how they’d like to word something, or if they want to include or omit something. “In ethical storytelling—especially in abortion healing,” Michele said, “It’s not just about how a story moves others—It’s also about how we handle what someone trusts us with.”
These conversations aren’t easy. But they’re real. And they matter.
And for some, sharing their story becomes part of their healing process. Michele recalls one man who later said that the interview helped him express emotions he hadn’t been able to before—grief, sadness, anger, depression. He said that his pain was “not close to being over; however, doing the interview was cathartic.” It became a step in his healing journey.
TIPS FOR YOU: HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF AFTER HEARING A HARD STORY
Michele shared that after one of her first interviews—one that was especially raw and emotional—she reached out to a colleague who’s been walking with clients for years. “I needed to process what I’d heard and how it had affected me, my thoughts and feelings,“ Michele said. “Talking with her helped me honor his experience and validate my emotions. It helped me regain my footing and feel more grounded heading into the next conversation.”
Her colleague also reminded her that caring well for others includes caring for ourselves, too.
“After each interview,” Michele said, “I check in with myself. I process with someone if needed (while honoring confidentiality), I take breaks, go for a walk, watch a show, play a game with my kids. I remind myself that this is not my pain to carry—but I can hold it with care while it’s in front of me.”
Whether you just watched Thomas’s story or read it here—or someone shared something painful with you—you might be feeling something—maybe sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion. That’s normal.
Here are a few ideas that can help you check in and reset:
- Pause before moving on. Take a breath or step outside. Let yourself feel.
- Ask yourself what you’re carrying. The emotions you’re feeling—do they belong to you?
- Journal or jot down thoughts. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
- Meditate or pray. Seek peace—for yourself and for the people in the story.
- Talk with someone. It’s okay to say, “That story hit me harder than I expected.”
- Do something grounding. Go for a walk. Watch something light. Cook dinner. Do what helps you come back to yourself.
- Build in reset time. Create simple before-and-after habits to support yourself when conversations get heavy.
For more practical guidance, read our article on Tips for Compassionate Conversations and our webinar recap on Healthy Helping.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s part of being human. And it helps you keep showing up with compassion and clarity.
FROM REGRET TO RENEWAL: THOMAS’S NEXT CHAPTER
“I’m actually hopeful to be a father, to start dating, to have a family. I feel like I deserve that now.”
It took Thomas almost 15 years to realize how much the abortion had affected him. But once he found the right kind of help for him—support groups, sober mentors, and space to face what he’d been running from—things started to change.
He’s not just surviving anymore. He’s healing. And if it happened for him, it can happen for you too.
HELP FOR MEN AFTER ABORTION: IF THOMAS’S STORY RESONATES WITH YOU…
It’s okay if Thomas’s abortion and healing story stirred something up for you. That may be the very place your healing begins.
Whether this touched something recent or something long buried, it matters.
Here are some ways to take the next step toward healing:
📞 Talk to someone who gets it.
Reach out to our anonymous After Abortion Line.
- Call or text at 844.289.HOPE (4673)
- Use online chat at supportafterabortion.com
- Email us
📘 Start your own healing journey.
Download Keys to Hope and Healing (Thomas said it changed everything for him.)
👤 Learn more about healing for men.
Explore our Men’s Healing Resources
If you’re struggling with addiction alongside abortion grief, know that healing is possible for both. Thomas’s journey shows that addressing the root causes of pain—including buried grief—can be the key to lasting recovery and peace.