One man’s story of post-abortion grief and healing, abandonment wounds, and learning he doesn’t have to go through it alone.
HOW MEN HEAL AFTER ABORTION: UNDERSTANDING POST-ABORTION GRIEF IN MEN
Scott thought the second abortion he and his wife went through—and the vasectomy he chose afterward—would close a painful chapter. Instead, it opened the door to unexpected grief, buried childhood wounds, and years of second-guessing. As his wife found healing through Support After Abortion, Scott wrestled with regret, abandonment, and a nagging sense that he had “squandered the opportunity to be the father [he] never had.”
When abortion is part of a man’s story, emotions often run underground—anger, sadness, guilt, regret, confusion. Many men wait years or decades to say any of it out loud.
In our research on men impacted by abortion:
- 7 out of 10 men reported adverse effects afterward, like depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, and behavioral changes.
- 8 out of 10 men said they could have benefited from talking to someone.
- Only 2 out of 10 men knew where to get help.
Those numbers point to a gap and a path forward. Real stories like Scott’s help close that gap by naming the struggle and pointing to practical ways to heal.
This is Scott’s story of caring deeply about his wife’s pain, struggling with his own, and discovering that his past—and his healing—matter too.
Want to jump forward?
🎥 Watch Scott’s story now »—and come back later for the behind-the-scenes details.
🧭Looking for support? Call or text the After Abortion Line at 844-289-HOPE (4673) or visit supportafterabortion.com for anonymous, compassionate support.
WHY MEN’S ABORTION STORIES LIKE SCOTT’S MATTER: THE POWER OF SHARED EXPERIENCES
At Support After Abortion, we’ve seen how powerful men’s stories can be. Hearing someone say, “Here’s what I went through, and here’s how I started to heal,” can be the first step toward hope.
Science backs that up. When we connect with someone’s story, our brains release oxytocin—a hormone tied to bonding, empathy, and trust. Engaging with narratives—whether through therapy, writing, or videos—can also help people process emotions, reframe painful experiences, and build resilience.
And it’s not just powerful for the listener. Sharing their truth in a way that feels safe and honored can help storytellers feel less alone, decrease shame, and make room for healing.
That’s why we created this video series. Real stories. Real voices. Shared with care.
👉 Learn more about this in our The Power of Storytelling webinar.
Keep reading for:
- The full transcript of Scott’s video
- Powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut
- A behind-the-scenes look at how we honor these stories
- Tips to care for yourself after hearing someone’s pain and challenges
- Tips for you from Scott and resources to start your own healing journey
WOUNDS THAT DON’T FADE – SCOTT’S STORY
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
How the Second Abortion Affected Us Differently: Why This One Hurts So Much
Our first abortion didn’t affect us much. It was early in our dating. We were a lot younger, and didn’t know where our relationship was going. Not that it wasn’t sad, but neither of us really thought about it afterwards. The second one was different. It has hurt a lot – for both of us.
Looking at those two lines on the test strip, we were both scared. She sent me to get another test to confirm it. When I came back, she was still sitting in the exact same spot on the bathroom floor, as if she were too stunned to move. I knew she didn’t want kids, and I figured she was afraid I’d want to keep the baby. It crossed my mind, but we both made the decision to have an abortion. And she ordered the pills that night.
Husband and Wife Can Both Struggle After Abortion
She was absolutely crushed, hurt, and so sad through the process and afterwards. She found Support After Abortion that week and started talking with someone and joined a support group to help her cope with her emotions and pain.
I felt horrible because she was hurting so much, and I knew that I didn’t want to ever see her struggling like that again. We both agreed it was best for me to get a vasectomy to prevent future pregnancy loss.
She was getting help, I’d had my procedure, I thought we’d be able to move on.
Childhood Abandonment, Father Wounds, and Shame After Abortion
But I hadn’t counted on how it would affect me, how I would feel, or how issues from my childhood were part of all of this.
I had a pretty rough childhood. My mom left me in daycare one day and never came back. My dad was an alcoholic. I was in and out of bars since I was six years old. Every day he’d get drunk, and the waitresses would take care of me. He bumped us around living with different girlfriends or in our car. Eventually, I ended up in foster care until the state found my mom, and I was sent to live with her and my stepdad. My relationship with him wasn’t good, either.
I realized recently while going through Support After Abortion’s Unraveled Roots that abandonment has played a really big role in my life. And part of my shame and sense of failure after the abortion stems from feeling like I squandered the opportunity to be the father I never had.
Haunted by “What Ifs” After Abortion, Looking to Fix the Sadness, Wanting Children
My wife and her friends went to a psychic a few years ago, and she wanted me to try it. At one point the lady asked if I had kids, and I said no. She said, Oh. You’re supposed to have two. Her saying that haunts me even now.
I didn’t know abortion could affect you so much later. It’s been four years, and I still feel regret, guilt, sadness. Sometimes, I think maybe if I reversed the vasectomy and we had a child that it would fix the sadness for both of us. But she’s not asking me to fix it.
Still, I struggle with the idea that maybe I want to have kids. But, then I remember all the reasons we both agreed not to have kids, and those are all still valid for us. My ping-ponging frustrates my wife. I know sometimes she feels like I’m not happy with her or our life when my guilt and shame leave me in a difficult, dark place. She tells me it’s okay to be sad, and I agree. But it’s also not okay to beat myself up all the time.
Taking Steps Toward Healing After Abortion: Therapy, Men’s Resources, Healthy Coping, and Hope
I’ve been wrestling with all of this with a therapist. And, I’ve been doing a lot of meditation, trying to be more focused on the present rather than the future or the past. But, I need something more.
When my wife did the Keys to Hope and Healing program after the abortion, it helped her so much. And she’s been encouraging me to do the men’s version for years. I finally started it a few months ago. And, as I mentioned, I’ve been working through Unraveled Roots.
I’m beginning to understand how my past and my decisions are intertwined, and I’m slowly working on finding ways to manage my feelings of regret and guilt. I’m even thinking about doing one of the men’s groups. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. But at this point, I think I’d like to get support from other men and hear them say I’m not the only one.
The journey hasn’t been easy, but I’m learning that it’s okay to seek help and to share these burdens. I’m realizing that while the pain and regret will always be part of my story, they don’t have to define my future. There’s hope and healing, and I’m committed to finding peace and appreciating the life I have with my wife.
Why You Deserve Support: Finding Peace through Healing After Abortion
If you’re feeling alone in this, know there’s support out there. We all deserve understanding and a path to healing. Sometimes it feels like a long road, but every step forward is a step toward finding peace and acceptance.
MORE OF SCOTT’S STORY: WHAT DIDN’T MAKE THE VIDEO
Scott shared more with us than what could fit into the short video—some of it was painful. Some of it hopeful. All of it real.
Here are a few powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut—but still speak volumes:
HOW ABORTION GRIEF AFFECTS MARRIAGE: WHEN STRONG RELATIONSHIPS CARRY HEAVY EMOTIONS
Scott lights up when he talks about his marriage. He and his wife are best friends who can drive for hours without the radio on, just talking. They pick up on the smallest shifts in each other’s mood.
That closeness is part of what makes this so hard. Scott knows she picks up on his feelings of sadness, guilt, and shame. He worries she hears it as, “You’re not enough,” or, “I’m not happy with our life together.”
Even their annual trip with close friends has become an anxious mental deadline: If I’m ever going to reverse the vasectomy, should I do it now—before we spend the money and more time passes?
He doesn’t want their marriage to strain under the weight of his regret—especially when she was clear from the beginning that she didn’t want children and he agreed. Holding “I love my life with her” and “I still wonder about the life we didn’t have” at the same time has been a deep tension for him. He doesn’t want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable. At the same time, pretending he doesn’t have these thoughts and feelings isn’t the answer either.
That’s part of why he’s leaned into therapy, Keys to Hope and Healing, and Unraveled Roots—so he can sort out what’s grief, what’s guilt, what’s old abandonment wounds, and what’s truly on his heart now.
EXPERIENCING FATHERHOOD WITHOUT BEING A DAD: MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS AFTER ABORTION
One tender moment Scott shared was about a friend’s little boy who spotted his old remote-control car. Scott promised, “Next time you’re here, I’ll have it ready so we can play.”
Before their next visit, he charged the battery and got it working. The car only lasted a few minutes, but he’d kept his promise—and ever since, that little boy has been “all about Scott.” Those small moments of connection have been unexpectedly healing. They don’t erase the loss or answer the question of whether he’ll ever have children of his own. But they do remind him that the father part of his heart is real and can still show up in other ways.
WHY MEN OFTEN FOCUS ON THEIR PARTNER’S PAIN FIRST: UNDERSTANDING MALE GRIEF AFTER ABORTION
Throughout his story, Scott comes back to one theme: how much he hates seeing his wife hurt. Even when he talks about his own shame and regret, it’s usually filtered through her tears, her pain, and his urge to fix it for her. That’s something we hear from many men.
Research on men’s experiences with abortion —and on other types of pregnancy loss—shows a similar pattern. Many guys feel like their main job is to support their partner and keep her from suffering, even if a part of them might have chosen differently.
Additional research points out that many men carry their grief silently and feel they don’t really have permission to talk about it, especially when they believe their partner’s needs matter more than their own.
For Scott, that showed up in several ways:
- Choosing a vasectomy so she’d never have to go through that level of pain again
- Considering reversing the vasectomy as a way to “fix” both of their sadness
- Feeling guilty when she was sad and grieving after the abortion
- Struggling to allow himself to be sad without adding pressure on their marriage
If you’re a man who has put your own emotions on the back burner because you’re worried about your partner, you’re not alone. Yet, caring about her doesn’t mean your pain doesn’t count. Both can be true: you can be deeply concerned about what she’s going through and still deserve space and support for what you’re carrying.
WHEN ABANDONMENT WOUNDS COMPLICATE GRIEF AFTER ABORTION
When Scott started working through Unraveled Roots for Men, he expected to learn more about himself. He didn’t expect the word abandonment to hit as hard as it did.
As he worked through the chapters, memories came back: being the last child waiting at daycare when his mom didn’t show up because she had left them, being raised by a mostly-absent father with alcohol addiction, spending hours in bars while his father drank and waitresses looked after him, sleeping in cars, bouncing between his dad’s girlfriends’ houses, landing in foster care, and later struggling through a tense relationship with his stepdad.
Looking back, Scott realized that abandonment wasn’t just something that happened to him in childhood. It became a lens he viewed the world through:
- If friends who also don’t want kids ever change their minds and have children, he worries he’ll feel abandoned by them.
- If he chooses to reverse his vasectomy and have kids, he worries he’ll be the one abandoning his friends.
- When he thinks about the abortions, he feels like he “squandered” his chance to be the father he never had.
Mental health research shows that childhood emotional neglect and abandonment can shape how we relate to others as adults—often making us more anxious about being left, more sensitive to loss, and more vulnerable to depression and anxiety later in life. Those early attachment wounds can also complicate grief, making it harder to trust, self-soothe, or feel worthy of comfort.
👉 If you’d like to explore more about how childhood wounds—especially father wounds and abandonment—can affect after-abortion healing, check out Unraveled Roots and our webinar on Addressing Absent Father Wounds.
WHEN ONE PARTNER STARTS HEALING FIRST: NAVIGATING DIFFERENT TIMELINES FOR RECOVERY
After their second abortion, Scott’s wife struggled deeply and found Support After Abortion quickly. She started Keys to Hope and Healing, joined a support group, and met with other women who understood.
👉 If you’d like to learn more about his wife Anna’s story, you can watch her video and read the blog.
For Scott, watching Anna get help was both a relief and a trigger. He was grateful she wasn’t carrying everything alone. Yet each time she cried after a group or talked about something painful she’d heard or reflected on, he felt a spike of guilt and failure. He wanted to fix it, to take away her pain.
Scott tried to figure things out on his own. Anna encouraged him to go through Keys to Hope and Healing, yet it was years later before he felt ready.
In many relationships, one partner reaches out for help right away while the other waits, watches, or shuts down. One may express grief through tears and talking; the other through anger, withdrawal, numbing, or overthinking. One might look “further along” in healing, while the other still feels stuck at the starting line.
If you’re the partner who hasn’t started healing yet, Scott’s story is a reminder that it’s never “too late” to take a step—whether that’s reaching out to our After Abortion Line, starting a resource like Keys to Hope and Healing or Unraveled Roots, or joining a group.
If you’re the partner who has already stepped into healing, Scott’s story may help you see what might be happening under the surface for your partner: not a lack of care, but possibly fear, regret, and uncertainty about how to begin.
LISTENING WITH COMPASSION, RESPONDING WITH CARE
From Our Side of the Story
At Support After Abortion, storytelling is an honor—and a responsibility. Behind every story is a real person who has lived through pain. And our role is to make sure their voice, their experience, is handled with care, empathy, and respect.
When we interview someone sharing their story, we prioritize compassion, collaboration, and ethical, trauma-informed storytelling best practices.
Our process prioritizes agency and collaboration. We invite them to share whatever feels important to them in their lived experience and healing journey. Then we write their story based on what they’ve shared. Their words shape the content, the tone, the direction. Their experience leads the way. And we involve them in the script editing and approval process.
That protection of their story—and their privacy—is why we don’t use the person’s real name or the real names of anyone in their story. It’s why we omit any details that might identify them. And it’s why we use an actor to portray the individual’s story.
“It’s not just about how a story moves others,” our communications manager, Michele Mazelin, says, “It’s also about how we handle what someone trusts us with.”
These conversations matter. And for some, sharing their story becomes part of their healing journey.
👉Your voice matters. If you’d like to share your story, we’d be honored to listen. Click here.
TIPS FOR CARING FOR YOURSELF WHILE YOU LISTEN
When you watch or read a story like Scott’s or someone shares something painful with you, you might find yourself feeling sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion. Maybe it stirred your own memories. That’s all normal.
Here are a few ideas that can help you check in and reset:
- Pause before moving on. Take a breath or step outside. Let yourself feel.
- Ask yourself what you’re carrying. The emotions you’re feeling—do they belong to you?
- Journal or jot down thoughts. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
- Meditate or pray. Seek peace for yourself and for the people in the story.
- Talk with someone. It’s okay to say, “That story hit me harder than I expected.”
- Do something grounding. Go for a walk. Watch something light. Cook dinner. Do what helps you come back to yourself.
- Build in reset time. Create simple before-and-after habits to support yourself when conversations get heavy.
👉For more practical guidance, read our article on Tips for Compassionate Conversations and our webinar recap on Healthy Helping.
Taking care of yourself helps you keep showing up with compassion and clarity.
SCOTT’S MESSAGE TO OTHER MEN HEALING AFTER ABORTION
When we asked Scott what he’d say to other men who have been impacted by abortion, he spoke from the heart:
I don’t wish this on anybody else. But if you’ve already had this experience, I’d want you to know there’s resources out there. There are people you can talk to. Don’t be afraid to share your experience and don’t feel like you’re the only one—because you’re not.
He talked about feeling guilty and “like you’re a horrible person,” then added:
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy to have a happy life. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a man. It just means it’s gonna take some time to get through because it is sad.
HELP FOR MEN AFTER ABORTION: IF SCOTT’S STORY RESONATES WITH YOU…
If parts of Scott’s journey stirred something in you, that tug is worth paying attention to. Healing often begins with one small, honest thought, like “Something about this is still bothering me—and I don’t want to keep carrying it alone.”
Scott tried therapy and daily meditation focused on appreciation and being present. Those helped. But he said, “I needed something more.” For him, that “more” has been abortion-specific support—Keys to Hope and Healing for Men and Unraveled Roots for Men.
I was trying to figure things out myself. I felt like telling myself that I wasn’t the only one would be enough. But I realized actually hearing somebody else say, “You’re not the only one, let me tell you my story” would be very healing and helpful for me.
The self-guided videos helped fill that role for Scott:
I watched the videos and listened to somebody else talk about it. And then I had the opportunity to answer questions and write things out, get it on paper.
As he’s worked through the resources on his own, he’s realizing that for him, self-guided work is just one layer. He’s now considering a group to find support with other men who understand. And he’s even thinking one day maybe he’ll help lead other men through their own healing.
Like Scott, there are practical steps you can take—at your pace, in your style. Each resource can be done on your own, with a mentor, or in a group.
- Keys to Hope and Healing
It’s a secular, compassionate way to begin understanding your emotions and grief after abortion. Available for women and men, in English and Spanish. Self-guided videos and journals are great go-along resources.
👤Both Scott and his wife Anna found meaningful support through Keys to Hope and Healing.
- Finding Solid Ground: A Man’s Guide to Healing After Abortion
It’s non-judgmental, faith-based support in a conversational, guy-to-guy tone—with a video series that guides you through the book with additional insights, reflections, and an integrated playlist of music for each chapter.
👤When we spoke with Scott, Finding Solid Ground was still being written, but the idea resonated with him. He said, “I wasn’t brought up in church, but I do believe in God. I’d definitely be interested in Finding Solid Ground, for sure.” - Unraveled Roots
When old patterns—abandonment, addiction, abuse, codependency—keep getting in the way, this helps you map the roots and build healthier habits. Available for men and women with accompanying videos and journals.
👤Going through Unraveled Roots helped Scott name abandonment as a major theme in his life.
Not sure where to begin? Want someone to talk with?
Our After Abortion Line is here for you. Call or text 844-289-HOPE (4673) or visit supportafterabortion.com for anonymous, compassionate support.
FINAL THOUGHTS
You matter. Your story matters. And like Scott, you don’t have to keep wrestling with all of this on your own.
Pick one small step—sending a text, starting a resource, or making a call—and take it. We’re here to support you as you tackle this challenge.
© Support After Abortion
We always welcome your feedback! If something in this blog struck a chord—or left you thinking—feel free to share your thoughts here.