One man’s story of drugs, jail, and a girlfriend’s abortion—and how years later, faith, grief work, and a quiet memorial helped him honor his child, Catherine.
HOW MEN HEAL AFTER ABORTION: UNDERSTANDING POST-ABORTION GRIEF IN MEN
When abortion is part of a man’s story, emotions often run underground—buried under work, humor, substances, ministry, or “I’m fine.”
For Lee, that buried place looked like partying, dealing drugs, jail and rehab, then years of faith, marriage, kids, and even pro-life ministry… all with one quiet, nagging reality he couldn’t shake:
“I felt bad about the abortion and the disconnect I felt from the child.”
Our research on men impacted by abortion shows he’s far from alone.
- Most men tell us they experienced negative emotional changes after a pregnancy they were part of ended in abortion.
- Many say they did seek help—or wished they had someone safe to talk to.
- Yet very few know where to find that kind of support.
Lee’s story is one man’s honest journey from chaotic youth and a girlfriend’s abortion to blocked memories, quiet guilt, a surprising breakthrough at a men’s conference, and a pink granite stone on his dresser that now bears his daughter’s name: Catherine.
Keep reading for the full transcript, what didn’t make the video, and some practical next steps for your own healing.
🎥Want to jump forward? Watch Lee’s video story first, then come back for the deeper dive.
🧭Looking for support? Call or text our After Abortion Line at 844-289-HOPE (4673) or visit supportafterabortion.com for anonymous, compassionate support.
WHY MEN’S ABORTION STORIES LIKE LEE’S MATTER: THE POWER OF SHARED EXPERIENCES
At Support After Abortion, we see over and over how powerful it is when men share their stories. When you hear someone say, “Here’s what I went through, here’s what it felt like, and here’s how I started to heal,” a few important things can happen:
- Your brain flags, “Wait… that sounds like me.”
- It becomes a little easier to imagine talking about your own experiences.
- Shame loosens its grip—because you realize you’re not the only one who’s wrestled with this.
And it’s not just powerful for the listener. For many storytellers, putting their experiences into words—on the page, in a group, or in a video like this—becomes part of their own healing journey.
That’s why we created this video series: Real stories. Real voices. Shared with care.
👉 Learn more about this in our The Power of Storytelling webinar.
In this article, you’ll find:
- The full transcript of Lee’s video
- Powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut
- A behind-the-scenes look at how we honor stories like his
- Tips to care for yourself after hearing someone’s pain
- Tips and resources to start your own healing journey
FROM CHAOS TO CATHERINE — LEE’S STORY
Video Transcript
Lee’s Teen Years Before the Abortion: Drugs, Alcohol, Girls, Brokenness
Hi. I’m Lee, and this is my story.
I hear people talk about wanting to return to their carefree childhood days, but when I was growing up, I always felt uneasy. I tried every way I could to relieve the unrest. By high school, that included sleeping with a lot of girls and heavy drug and alcohol use. When I was 18 or 19 years old, my lifestyle had become so chaotic that my parents kicked me out of the house for the second time. For the next 6 months or so, I plunged deeper into dealing and doing drugs, sleeping around, and running from the brokenness inside – all while smiling and playing the life of the party.
I managed to keep the same girlfriend for about a year despite lying and cheating. As much as I was capable, I loved her.
Unstable Life, Teen Pregnancy, and Abortion
When she told me she was pregnant, we were both terrified. I was staying at someone else’s house, dealing drugs, living a wild lifestyle. She was 16, still in high school. We were partiers – every day.
So much from that time is just a blur. But I remember when we told my parents; my girlfriend cried the whole time. Even though they said they’d help, and we didn’t have to have an abortion, there was just no way we could see ourselves stopping everything and becoming parents. I ended the relationship soon after the abortion, but at the time, I didn’t connect the breakup to the abortion.
Police Raid, Jail, Rehab and the Beginnings of Faith and Recovery
Shortly after, my house was raided by the police, and I ended up in and out of jail and rehab. It was roughly nine months after the abortion that I surrendered my life to Jesus. That was the start of my healing journey.
As part of my recovery, I sought and received forgiveness for things I’d done. I apologized to my ex-girlfriend. I even spoke about my experiences at events and in different ministries, but something was missing.
I felt bad about the abortion and the disconnect I felt from the child. That feeling intensified after I got married and started having kids.
Turning Point Years Later — Men Helping Men Heal After Abortion
I shared my feelings with my wife, who encouraged me to seek help. A guy who had been impacted by abortion and had gone through recovery recommended attending an after-abortion healing retreat, which proved to be a turning point for me.
Later I attended a men’s conference and heard a panel of guys speaking about their experiences with abortion. I noticed many of them had named their children as a part of their healing process. But, all I could think was I can’t do that! I don’t even know the child’s gender!
Finding Hope by Working Through Abortion Grief and Regret
On my way home, I listened to “Lucy” by Skillet. It’s a song about grief, regret, and hope for healing after abortion. I felt a strong connection to a baby girl and was finally able to give her a name, Catherine.
In the following weeks, I worked through some healing resources and connected with a guy from Support After Abortion. I learned how doing something as a memorial to honor our children can be part of the healing process.
Honoring My Child Lost to Abortion and Finding Peace
I wanted to write a letter to my child, but put it off, waiting for the “perfect” time. When I finally began, words came that I didn’t even realize I wanted to say. I felt connected with my daughter as I poured my heart out to her.
The idea of holding a ceremony felt right to me, but I struggled to put something together. Again, I was waiting for perfection, clearly still working through the guilt. I reached out to my oldest best friend, who had also turned his life around. He was completely understanding and supportive.
We decided to have a ceremony in the area we grew up in, where everything had happened. He chose the place and drove. It all felt weird…I was nervous, unsure of even what to wear or what to do.
We pulled up to a cemetery I had passed a thousand times. We parked and walked over to a garden spot. He said when he and his wife had two miscarriages, the hospital did a ceremony for them in this special burial ground for children whose lives ended prematurely.
My friend spoke a few words and we prayed together. I read out loud the letter I had written to my daughter. I cried, and we sat on the ground for a bit talking and reflecting.
He gave me a few moments by myself. I spoke to God and to my daughter. When I got up to leave, I noticed a small, pink granite rock that stood out among the rest in the garden. It felt like a perfect memento to honor her. When I got home, I wrote the date on the back of the stone and set it on my dresser, a tangible reminder of her.
In the weeks following the ceremony, I continued to process my emotions. The journey has been long and painful, but I’m grateful for the healing and peace I’ve found.
MORE OF LEE’S STORY: WHAT DIDN’T MAKE THE VIDEO
Lee shared more with us than we could fit into a short video. Some of it was raw. Some of it hopeful. All of it real.
Here are a few powerful moments that didn’t make the final cut—but still speak volumes.
BLOCKED MEMORIES, JAIL, AND THE COST OF NUMBING OUT
For a long time, Lee could only remember fragments around the abortion—the partying, dealing drugs, being kicked out, and hearing later that his girlfriend had gone through with it. It wasn’t until years later that he could recall details like how hard she cried or how scared he was when she wouldn’t stop bleeding after.
As he leaned into healing, more pieces came back. Lee later realized he hadn’t so much forgotten as gone blank around certain details—one way some minds cope with experiences that feel too painful or overwhelming to face.
His story also sits inside a bigger pattern:
- Substance use and unplanned pregnancy are often connected, according to the CDC.
- The Guttmacher Institute reports that teens like Lee, who struggled with substance misuse and “unconventional” traits—including low religiosity, low parental bonding, and higher rebelliousness—are more likely to resolve unintended pregnancies through abortion.
Lee’s story is one example of how addiction, instability, unplanned pregnancy, and abortion can stack on top of each other.
If you’ve had a similar history, the layers and context might explain why your experience feels heavy and complicated.
“WHY DO I FEEL SO DISCONNECTED AFTER ABORTION—AND GUILTY ABOUT THAT?”
Fast forward: Lee married, had children, and worked full-time in a pregnancy help organization. On the outside, it looked like he’d “turned his life around.”
On the inside, something still didn’t fit. He said:
“I knew I had a kid in heaven—a fact that stared me in the face after I got married and started having kids. And working in a pregnancy help center kept me thinking about it all the more. But I had a disconnect with the abortion—and with the child—that I couldn’t describe.”
He often caught himself thinking:
“I should feel worse than I do—and it makes me feel terrible that I don’t feel worse.”
That kind of harsh inner commentary is familiar to a lot of people who’ve experienced abortion, especially those who are now helping others heal after abortion. Thoughts like:
- “I shouldn’t still be struggling with this.”
- “I talk about healing all the time—why am I not ‘fixed’?”
- “If I really cared, I’d feel more.”
But healing isn’t one-and-done. You don’t just check the box and move on. It’s more like peeling layers.
Lee’s story is a good reminder: you can work on your after-abortion healing, serve others, lead groups, or work in a healing ministry—and still have places in your heart that need attention and care.
MUSIC, MEN’S CONFERENCES, AND SURPRISING “ENTRY POINTS” TO HEALING AFTER ABORTION
It took more than one thing for Lee’s heart to start to heal:
- A men’s conference where other guys honestly shared about their abortion and healing experiences
- A panel of fathers who talked about naming their children lost to abortion
- Prayer with another man who’d walked a similar road
- A song—“Lucy” by Skillet—about abortion grief and hope
THE POWER OF MEN TELLING THEIR ABORTION STORIES
Hearing other men talking openly about how abortion affected them was key for Lee. It helped him feel less alone and strange for what he was feeling—and not feeling. And, it opened the door for him to explore that more deeply and work through his grief.
Research—and what we hear from other men—shows that this is true for many guys. Men are often socialized not to talk about emotionally painful things, especially abortion. Like Lee, many have never spoken with any man who’s been impacted by abortion, much less one who’s found healing. And guys tell us that when that does happen, it almost always has a domino effect with other men saying, “me too.”
THE POWER OF MUSIC IN ABORTION HEALING
Music can be especially powerful in working through grief:
- Music can boost dopamine, which reduces stress and helps regulate emotions.
- And studies show that receptive listening and reflecting on music can reduce anxiety and depression and can help people dive deeper into their thoughts and emotions.
For Lee, that drive home listening to “Lucy” became a kind of emotional bridge—from vague distress and disconnect to a clearer sense of, “This is my daughter. I can name her now.”
Your Entry Point To Healing After Abortion Might Look Different:
- A song that suddenly hits harder than you expect
- A movie scene you can’t shake
- An anniversary date you dread—or can’t stop thinking about
- Seeing someone else’s baby and feeling an unexpected twist in your gut
These kinds of emotional reactions can be signs that parts of your heart are still needing attention, even if your mind has tried to move on.
PERFECTIONISM, PROCRASTINATION, AND THE WEIGHT OF “DOING IT RIGHT” IN HEALING AFTER ABORTION
Even after Lee decided he wanted to write Catherine a letter and hold a ceremony, he stalled. He kept waiting for the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect words.
“Sometimes, procrastination isn’t about not caring,” psychologists say, “but instead about caring too much.” Fear can be a big part of this. Fear of doing it wrong, being judged, or feeling like even when you try your best it’s not good enough.
For Lee, that fear looked like:
“What if I don’t feel anything when I do this? What if I mess it up?”
You might delay something to avoid the painful feeling of doing it “imperfectly” or being reminded of where you feel like you’ve failed.
Taking one small step and being kind to yourself can help. Lee finally started to write his letter sitting on the bed while his wife read beside him. No candles. No scenic overlook. No perfect playlist. Just pen, paper, and honesty.
The ceremony was simple, too: a friend, a garden, a letter, tears, a prayer, a pink stone. Maybe not “perfect.” But real—and healing.
If you’ve been stuck waiting for the “right” moment to face your own grief after abortion, maybe the right moment is simply the one you have today. What’s one small step you can take?
MEMORIALIZATION: WHY NAMING AND RITUALS HELP AFTER ABORTION
For Lee, naming his daughter Catherine, writing to her, and holding a simple ceremony didn’t erase his past. But they did give his grief a place to land.
Therapists and grief researchers often talk about how continuing bonds—staying connected to someone you’ve lost in healthy ways—can support healing. Memorials, letters, art, and symbolic objects can help people express love, regret, and hope in a concrete way.
Lee’s pink granite stone is one example. Other people might:
- Write a letter and keep it in a journal or burn it
- Light a candle or say a few words on a meaningful date
- Plant a tree or flower
- Get a tattoo
- Create or wear a small piece of jewelry
- Keep a simple keepsake
There’s no one “right” way to do this. And you don’t have to be ready now—or ever—to name your child or hold a ceremony. But if you feel pulled in that direction, consider leaning into that. If the idea resonates with you, Lee would be the first to encourage you to pick something and not wait for “the perfect way” or “the perfect time.”
Memorialization—just like healing—doesn’t have to be a one-and-done. Many people tell us about ways they keep honoring their children, especially around holidays, anniversaries, and other meaningful days or milestones.
👉 Read more about memorialization in our article, The Power of Memorialization in Abortion Healing
WHY ONE SAFE FRIEND CAN MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE
Grief expert Alan Wolfelt talks about the need for a balance of solitude and social support while grieving. He says having alone time in grief comes naturally, yet “one of our key needs of mourning is to receive and accept support.”
Lee’s oldest friend showed up in a big way. He listened without judgment, supported Lee’s desire to honor Catherine, spoke with him, prayed with him, and gave him space and time to reflect and heal.
Numerous studies show that social support—from friends, family, or community—can help protect good mental health and is linked to lower depression, anxiety, and stress. Support can also make it easier to express and process emotions and help you navigate challenging situations—like grieving after abortion.
If you know someone who is struggling after abortion, be willing to sit in the hard with them. You don’t have to have the perfect words. Your presence and compassion speak volumes.
👉If you’d like to explore more, read our article: Relationships After Abortion: Finding Support and Healing.
THE “WOUNDED HEALER” REALITY: HELPING OTHERS WHILE STILL HURTING
By the time Lee started leaning into deeper abortion healing, he had:
- Years of sobriety
- A family
- Ministry experience
- A career spent helping other people process their own challenges including abortion grief
And yet, when it came to his own loss, he still felt unsure and stuck. One way this showed up was Catherine’s memorial. Even though he’d helped plan many funerals for other families during his years in pastoral ministry, he struggled to create something for his daughter.
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “wounded healer,” it speaks exactly to this tension. People who help others—pastors, counselors, peer facilitators, medical staff, volunteers—are not immune to their own grief. When people spend a lot of time carrying others’ pain—like counselors, clergy, and other helpers—but don’t spend the time or have safe spaces to process their own, they’re at higher risk of burnout, compassion fatigue, and secondary trauma.
Lee’s story is a reminder: You can know the “right” things to do for other people and still need help figuring it out for yourself. That’s part of being human.
👉 Read more about healthy helping in our article, Healthy Helping: How to Ensure You’re Giving From a Full Cup
LISTENING WITH COMPASSION, RESPONDING WITH CARE
From Our Side of the Story
At Support After Abortion, storytelling is both an honor and a responsibility. Behind every video is a real person trusting us with some of the most painful parts of their life.
When we interview someone like Lee, we invite them to share what feels most important in their story and healing, shape the video script from their words, collaborate on edits, and protect their privacy. We change names, remove identifying details, and use an actor to portray them on screen.
As our communications manager Michele Mazelin says, “It’s not just about how a story moves other people—it’s also about how we handle what someone trusted us with.”
And for some storytellers, this process becomes part of their healing.
👉Your voice matters. If you’d like to share your story, we’d be honored to listen. Click here.
HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF AFTER HEARING A STORY LIKE LEE’S
Watching or reading a story like this can stir up a lot—especially if abortion has impacted you or someone you care about.
You might feel:
- Sadness or tenderness
- Anger, regret, or “what if”
- Tightness in your chest or throat
- Numbness, like you don’t feel much at all
All of that’s normal.
A few simple resets can help:
- Pause before you scroll on. Take a few slow breaths. Notice how you feel physically and emotionally.
- Name what’s heavy. Even a sentence like, “This reminded me of…” can loosen the knot.
- Journal, pray, or meditate. Put some of what you’re feeling into words.
- Reach out to someone safe. You don’t have to spill everything. “That story hit me harder than I expected” is enough to start.
- Do something grounding. Take a walk, cook, play with your kids or your dog, watch a show, listen to a song—whatever helps your nervous system come back down.
If you regularly listen to other people’s heavy stories—as a friend, partner, or helper—consider building small “before and after” rituals around those conversations to help you reset.
👉For more practical guidance, read our article on Tips for Compassionate Conversations and our webinar recap on Healthy Helping. They offer practical tools for listening well and honoring your own limits.
HELP FOR MEN AFTER ABORTION: IF LEE’S STORY RESONATES WITH YOU
If parts of Lee’s journey stirred something in you, that tug is worth noticing.
Healing often starts with one honest thought, like “Something about my abortion experience is still bothering me—and I don’t want to keep carrying it alone.”
From there, you can take small, concrete steps that feel right for you.
Here are some options to consider:
1. Reach Out for Support
Our After Abortion Line offers anonymous, compassionate support for women and men.
You can connect by phone, text, online chat, email, or social media messaging.
A team member will listen without judgment and help you sort through what kind of support might fit you best—one-on-one, group, retreat, self-guided; religious or secular; virtual or in-person, counseling or peer leader, etc.
📞 Call or text 844-289-HOPE (4673)
💻 Or visit supportafterabortion.com
2. Start with a Self-Guided Resource
A lot of people appreciate being able to explore healing on their own—especially as a first step.
- Men in particular are most likely to choose online self-help resources.
- And men engage better with self-paced, flexible formats that allow reflection and autonomy—exactly what our self-guided online resources provide.
Maybe you’d prefer something you can do privately:
- Keys to Hope and Healing
An introductory abortion-healing resource available for men and women, in English and Spanish. There are booklets, journals, and self-guided videos you can go through on your own—or with a mentor or in a group. - Finding Solid Ground: A Man’s Guide to Healing After Abortion
A conversational, faith-based book specifically for men, with a companion video series and integrated music playlist designed to walk alongside guys who want to work through their abortion experiences with a focus on God’s love and mercy. - Unraveled Roots
When old patterns—abandonment, addiction, abuse, codependency—keep getting in the way, this helps you map the roots and build healthier habits. Available for men and women with accompanying videos and journals you can go through on your own—or with a mentor or in a group.
Connecting with others who “get it” can be powerful—like Lee experienced. Over the years, his healing journey has included supportive conversations, a healing retreat, men’s events, and abortion healing resources.
You don’t have to pick the “perfect” resource. You can start somewhere, see how it feels, and adjust.
FINAL THOUGHTS
You matter. What happened matters. How it affected you—whether loudly or quietly, immediately or years later—matters.
Lee’s journey isn’t the same as your journey. But if you recognize pieces of your own story in his, you don’t have to keep wrestling with this by yourself.
What’s your next step in your own abortion healing journey? You might:
- Send a text or email to the After Abortion Line
- Start one chapter of a resource
- Jot a few honest lines in a notebook
- Tell one safe person, “I think I might need to talk about something”
Whatever that next step looks like for you, we’re here for you.
© Support After Abortion
We always welcome your feedback! If something in this blog struck a chord—or left you thinking—feel free to share your thoughts here.