Struggling with harsh self-talk after abortion? This blog offers simple, real-life examples of gentler self-talk and small ways to practice self-compassion as you heal.
WHEN THE HARSHEST VOICE AFTER ABORTION IS YOUR OWN
February tends to shine a spotlight on relationships—romantic ones, friendships, family. But when you’re carrying the weight of abortion experience(s), all that talk about love and connection can land differently.
One relationship we don’t talk about much is the one you have with yourself—especially how you speak to yourself when no one else is listening. The way you talk to yourself can shape how you show up in every other relationship, too: with a partner, your kids, your friends, or your community.
In our recent blog, What to Say After Abortion: 15 Phrases That Hurt (And What to Say Instead), we talked about the things people say that can sting—even when they mean well.
But sometimes, the loudest and harshest voice isn’t coming from other people at all. It’s coming from inside your own head.
You might notice thoughts like:
- “It’s my fault. I should’ve known better.”
- “I should be over this by now.”
- “I don’t deserve to feel better.”
You’re not the only one who talks to yourself this way. A lot of women and men share that after abortion, they’re hard on themselves. For some, it’s almost like punishing themselves proves they care.
This blog isn’t about “positive thinking” or pretending everything is fine. It’s about something gentler and more honest: self-compassion—learning how to talk to yourself in a way that’s truthful and kind at the same time. And when you carry this part of your story differently, you can show up more fully in your other relationships, too.
WHY SELF-COMPASSION WORKS
Before we dive into what self-compassion is and how to do it, let’s take a quick look at the science behind why it works.
When you talk to yourself with harshness, your brain often reads it like a threat. The result can be more tension, more shame, more spiraling thoughts. Self-compassion does the opposite: it helps your body and brain settle enough to process what happened without piling on more pain. It helps your nervous system shift out of the “threat/alarm” mode.
And the more you practice compassionate self-talk, the more your brain gets used to calming and steadying you, instead of spiraling—so emotions feel a little more manageable over time.
Think of harsh self-talk like yelling at someone who’s already on the floor. It doesn’t motivate healing—it usually just adds stress. Compassion is more like steadying someone’s shoulders and saying, “Okay… let’s take the next best step.”
WHAT SELF-COMPASSION REALLY MEANS AFTER ABORTION
“Self-compassion” can sound like a fancy word, but here’s all it really is:
- Noticing that you’re in pain
- Admitting that what you went through was a lot
- Talking to yourself in a way that doesn’t pile on more shame or angst
What it’s not:
- Saying the abortion(s) “didn’t matter”
- Telling yourself you never did anything
- Ignoring your questions, regrets, or mixed emotions
Self-compassion after abortion might sound more like:
“This really affected me. I’m allowed to feel something about it.”
It’s making room for your full story—not just the parts you, or others, think are “acceptable.”
“TALK TO YOURSELF LIKE A FRIEND” AFTER ABORTION… BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
You’ve probably heard people say, “Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend,” or “like someone you love.”
That can be helpful—if you’ve actually seen that kind of kindness before. But if you grew up around a lot of criticism, pressure, or shame, “talking kindly” might feel really foreign.
So instead of just saying “be nicer to yourself,” here are some real examples of what compassionate self-talk can sound like after abortion.
5 EXAMPLES OF KINDER SELF-TALK AFTER ABORTION
Don’t worry about trying to memorize these. Think of them as scripts you can borrow and tweak to sound like you.
1. When you’re telling yourself you should be over it
Harsh version:
“It’s been so long. I should be over this by now.”
Gentler version:
“This was a big part of my life. It makes sense that it still touches me sometimes.”
2. When you’re blaming yourself for everything
Harsh version:
“I ruined everything. It’s all my fault.”
Gentler version:
“I made a really hard decision in a really hard moment, and I’m hurting about it now.”
3. When you feel like you don’t deserve to feel better
Harsh version:
“I don’t deserve to heal. I should feel bad about this forever.”
Gentler version:
“I’m in pain. People who are in pain deserve care and support—and that includes me.”
4. When you’re asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Harsh version:
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just move on?”
Gentler version:
“Something about this needs attention and care. It’s okay that I feel this way.”
5. When you’re replaying “if only” over and over
Harsh version:
“If only I’d done something different. I messed everything up.”
Gentler version:
“Of course I wonder about the ‘what ifs.’ That’s part of grieving. I can notice those thoughts without letting them beat me up.”
You don’t have to use these exact words. The heart of it is this:
- Be honest about how big this feels
- Stop talking to yourself like an enemy
- Give yourself the dignity and empathy you deserve as a person in pain
3 SMALL WAYS TO PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION AFTER ABORTION TODAY
In addition to the ideas for how to reword your self-talk, here are a few small, doable ways to practice self-compassion in real life:
1. Catch one harsh thought and soften it
For one day, just notice when you say something harsh to yourself about the abortion(s).
- When you hear yourself say—or start to say, “I’m so stupid” or “I should be over this,” pause.
- Ask yourself, “What would a slightly kinder version of that sound like?”
You don’t have to go from “I’m awful” to “I’m amazing.” Even shifting to, “I’m really struggling, and that makes sense,” is a big step.
2. Write yourself a short note you wish you could hear
You don’t have to write a big journal entry. Just a few lines:
- Imagine someone you trust sitting across from you.
It might be someone in your life you really can trust, or you might imagine someone being the trusting person you need. - What do you wish they would say to you about what you’re feeling and how you’re talking to yourself?
- Write that down, starting with, “If I could say one kind thing to myself about this, it would be…”
You can tuck it in your phone, your Bible if you’re religious, your wallet, or next to your bed and come back to it when the self-criticism gets loud.
3. Give yourself one small act of care—on purpose
Self-compassion doesn’t have to be deep and philosophical. Sometimes it’s incredibly simple:
- Taking a 10-minute break instead of pushing through
- Stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air
- Making yourself a decent meal
- Saying no to one extra thing when you’re already exhausted
You’re not saying, “Everything’s fine.” You’re not ignoring your situation. You’re saying, “I’m going through something hard, and I’m allowed to take care of myself.”
WHEN BEING KIND TO YOURSELF AFTER ABORTION FEELS IMPOSSIBLE
For some people, pain can become a way of honoring what was lost or what happened. Suffering starts to feel like the only “appropriate” response. You may think, “I don’t deserve to be happy — or to move on — or to be treated well.”
Both women and men share with us thoughts like, “I can’t be kind to myself. It’ll feel like I’m saying my child didn’t matter.” Perhaps you feel that way, like being gentle with yourself is disloyal to your child(ren), relationship(s), or the past.
Harsh self-talk can become a kind of “internal guard dog”—like “If I judge myself first, maybe it’ll hurt less when others judge me.”
And, if you’ve internalized harmful voices from the past—what you may have heard from parents, partners, teachers, others—that criticism and shame can feel “normal.” So a kind inner voice might feel fake, weak, or even wrong.
If you blame yourself, feel guilty, regretful, sad, angry… it may seem easier to say, “I’m terrible,” than to sit with the messier truth, like:
- “I was scared, pressured, confused, under-supported, and I wish it were different.”
- “I was trying to fix an impossible situation the only way I could see at the time.”
- “I thought I was doing what everyone expected of me, and now I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
If you’re used to talking to yourself in a harsh way, a kinder voice can feel weird and unnatural—simply because it’s new and different.
When self-compassion feels out of reach, perhaps harshness feels familiar or protective—like the only way to show you care, stay in control, or protect yourself from what other people might say.
FINDING SUPPORT AS YOU PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION AFTER ABORTION
You don’t have to figure this out by yourself—or be the only one talking kindly to you. Sometimes it helps to see yourself through someone else’s eyes for a while—someone who can see your pain, your story, and your worth when it’s hard for you to see it yourself.
Grief after abortion is real, even if no one around you knows what you’re going through or supports you, even if your circumstances were complicated, even if part of you still questions what to call what you’re feeling, and even if you still question whether you “deserve” support. You don’t have to stay stuck in self-blame, shame, or secrecy. There are people and resources that can walk with you as you practice a kinder way forward.
If you’re looking for a place to start:
- Reach out to the After Abortion Line for anonymous, judgment-free support by phone, text, email, or online chat. You don’t have to have the “right” words. You can simply say, “I’m struggling with this.” We’re here to listen and help you think about what might help next.
- Try Keys to Hope and Healing (for women and men). It’s a secular resource with short readings, reflection questions, and practical ideas for emotional healing after abortion. You can work through the book and videos privately, at your own pace. Or, you can opt to walk through it with a mentor or join a healing group.
- If you’re a man wanting a faith-based resource, explore Finding Solid Ground: A Man’s Guide to Healing After Abortion. It combines real men’s stories, honest questions, and spiritual tools to help you walk through your after-abortion grief with God’s love and mercy, one step at a time.
Whether you’re just starting to feel the impact of a recent abortion or you’ve been carrying your experience for years—the way you talk to yourself about it is part of your most important relationship—the one you have with you.
A kind inner voice can change how you live with what happened and how you’re able to connect with the people you care about. Every time you swap one harsh thought for even a slightly more compassionate one, you’re giving your heart—and your relationships—a little more room to heal.
© Support After Abortion
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