Memorialization offers a way to validate and process your grief and honor your child(ren) lost to abortion.
Grief after abortion can be a heavy burden to carry, especially when you have conflicting or uncomfortable emotions. Choosing to honor your child(ren) in some way can be helpful in your healing journey. This is a deeply personal decision, and finding an approach that feels right for you and supports your emotional healing is key.
WHAT IS MEMORIALIZATION AFTER ABORTION?
Memorialization is doing something to honor and acknowledge an experience or individual that holds deep emotional significance. In the context of working through emotions after abortion, it’s a way of processing your grief and connecting with and honoring your child(ren).
The purpose of memorialization is to help process the emotions tied to that experience, not just remember it. It provides a meaningful outlet for grief, allowing you to express your feelings and move forward in your healing journey. Even the process of selecting and creating your memorial can bring comfort and peace.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a well-known grief counselor and author, emphasizes that grief must be expressed outwardly for healing to occur. He explains, “Mourning means to express your grief outside of yourself.” And he offers suggestions such as crying, talking to other people, sharing stories, journaling, and more.
Memorialization is one impactful means of grieving. In the webinar “Memorializing Children Lost to Abortion: Why & How,” Karin Barbito, Support After Abortion’s Special Projects Manager, explains that grieving is critical to the healing process. She emphasized the value of memorialization in bringing dignity to the life of the child(ren) and enabling the individual to “express their grief and their loss and their love for their children that aren’t here.”
WHY MEMORIALIZATION MATTERS IN ABORTION HEALING
Memorialization is a meaningful part of after-abortion grief care because it gives you a physical or symbolic way to process your emotions, as these clients shared:
“Father’s Day is hard since the abortion. I think I’ll spend some dedicated time thinking about my daughter — being grateful for her…reflecting on seeing and meeting her one day… Who knows, I might write something – maybe a story or make up a song – record it and share with a few people who would understand.”
“I spent my first Mother’s Day since my abortion getting a new tattoo for my little bean. It helped me get through that day. And it makes me feel connected to her or him each time I see the tattoo.”
“I didn’t deal with my grief until many years after the abortion. When I went through Keys to Hope and Healing, I wrote a letter to my baby. Later, a friend went with me to a special garden. He prayed and I read my letter out loud. We sat there a while. When I finally got up, I saw a small, pink granite rock. It seemed like a perfect memento to remember her. I keep it on my dresser. I put off doing something for a long time, and that day it felt weird and I was nervous. But it really did bring me peace.”
Keys to Hope and Healing, an introductory abortion healing resource, describes memorialization as a way for people struggling after abortion to “connect with the loss by honoring their child.” It also acknowledges that memorialization isn’t for everyone, saying that for some “it just wasn’t something they wanted to do.” And that’s okay.
As Karin shared in the Memorialization webinar, it’s all about being compassionately focused on the person and what works for them. “It’s not a one size fits all,” she said.
HOW TO MEMORIALIZE AND HONOR YOUR CHILD(REN)
Memorials can take many forms, from tangible keepsakes like a Recognition of Life Certificate to personal expressions, such as lighting a candle, planting a tree, or creating a memory box.
Some ideas for memorials suggested in Keys to Hope and Healing or by clients or abortion healing support group facilitators include:
- Name your child(ren)
- Write a letter to your child(ren)
- Compose a poem
- Draw a picture
- Give to your favorite charity or one with special meaning for you
- Plant a tree
- Select a piece of jewelry, maybe a ring, necklace, chain
- Write a message to your child(ren) on a balloon and release it
- Create a scrapbook or memory box
- Get a tattoo of a meaningful symbol or your child(ren)’s name(s)
- Select a special memento
- Hold a ceremony alone or with family and/or friends
- Create a piece of pottery, a painting, or other art or craft
- Do something physical, like climbing a mountain or running a marathon in honor of your child(ren)
- Volunteer your time
- Dedicate a wall name plaque or brick in a community space such as the national memorial for the unborn. You can find memorial sites all over the U.S. via the National Day of Remembrance website.
For many, creating a personal memorial can be deeply meaningful, as these clients shared:
“In my support group, I learned that having a ceremony of some kind can help with healing. Even though I’d organized and performed many funerals during nearly a decade in pastoral ministry, I struggled to put together something for my daughter. Eventually, I reached out to my best friend who was completely understanding and supportive. We had a ceremony together in the area we grew up in, where everything had happened.”
“I ordered a Tree of Life wooden box meant for ashes. I made a copy of the ultrasound picture and wrote a letter to my baby. I put them and some things I had gotten for the baby before my now ex decided to have the abortion inside the box. I went to a nature area I love, dug 18” down, and buried it. My hands were covered in blood, and I was soaked in sweat, but I just felt like I had to do this. I know the coordinates and will go back to visit. When the ground softens, I plan to plant a tree over it.”
THE ROLE OF MEMORIALIZATION IN LONG-TERM HEALING
Memorialization after abortion serves as an important step in long-term healing, offering a way to not only cope with grief but also to honor the memory of your child(ren) over time. While initial acts of memorialization—such as creating a physical tribute or participating in a commemorative event—can provide immediate emotional relief, these practices often become meaningful touchstones for ongoing healing. Memorializing your child(ren) can help you process emotions in a healthy way and provide an opportunity for reflection and growth as you move through your journey.
For one client, the act of memorializing her child took the form of a small elephant figurine. She had struggled with the emotional weight of her loss, and was distraught over how to handle her fetus’ remains. Participating in a Keys to Hope and Healing group helped her work through her emotions. And she found peace in creating a physical memorial. Over time, the figurine became more than just a symbol of grief—it was a reminder of her strength and resilience.
“In Keys to Hope and Healing, we read the story about the elephant who has the string around his ankle. I found this cute little baby elephant curled up sleeping. I buried the embryo in my yard and put the elephant on top. When I see that elephant, it’s a reminder that I can get past this, and I’m stronger than I think.” And anytime things happen or something triggers the painful memories, I can look at that elephant and know I can get through it and just take that step forward.”
For many, these small yet significant commemorations become part of a larger journey of healing. Over the years, these rituals may shift in meaning — transforming from symbols of grief to symbols of resilience and peace. As time passes, the act of remembering can bring comfort, help individuals reconnect with their own strength, and provide clarity when painful memories arise.
Ultimately, memorialization offers a way to recognize your child(ren) and process your emotions. Whether you choose personal reflection, group activities, or community events, memorialization can serve as a lasting source of support, providing moments of peace, renewal, and a sense of closure as you continue your path of healing.
HONORING YOUR CHILD(REN) THROUGH HEALING
Memorialization after abortion can be a deeply personal and healing way to process complex emotions. Whether you’re exploring ways to honor your experience or struggling with how to navigate your feelings, know that you’re not alone. Support After Abortion is here to offer you compassion and resources to help you navigate your own journey and find the healing you deserve.
Reach out to our After Abortion Line by online chat, phone, text, email or messaging on Facebook or Instagram. We offer confidential, compassionate support at no cost to you. We can connect you to the healing resource that best meets your preferences – that may be one-on-one, group, or independent; counseling or peer facilitator; virtual, in-person, or self-guided; religious or secular, etc.
You can also visit supportafterabortion.com to access a variety of resources designed to support you in your healing journey:
- Keys to Hope and Healing is an introductory secular resource for women and men in both English and Spanish. Resources include booklets, journals, self-guided video series, prayer booklets, and facilitator guides and training videos. Click HERE.
- Unraveled Roots is a resource that helps uncover the root causes of destructive behaviors, enabling you to break free from patterns and create lasting, healthier changes. Resources for women and men include print and digital books, journals, self-guided video series, and an audiobook for men, along with facilitator guides and training videos. Click HERE.
DO YOU – OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO – PROVIDE AFTER-ABORTION SUPPORT?
Explore our Provider Training Center and attend our free monthly Abortion Healing Provider webinars and Quarterly Facilitator Trainings. We also offer a one-on-one facilitator coaching program. Email to learn more.
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