With Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner, now seems like a good time to discuss triggers after abortion and the trauma they can bring up. Whether you are dealing with grief, difficult family dynamics, or abortion experiences, the holidays can be hard to navigate. Words like “Trigger” and “trigger warning” and “trauma” are widely used in today’s culture but are often misunderstood. Let’s look at what they truly mean and how they can impact us, especially during the holiday season.
Sometimes “triggered” is used when “discomfort” might be more fitting. Discomfort is a temporary unease—unpleasant, but lighter in psychological weight than being triggered, which often carries a deeper impact.
A triggering experience can bring a vivid flashback to a traumatic memory. But more commonly, it can lead to a freeze response, where your mind goes blank, or you may project your feelings onto something else. For example, you could become very upset by a dish that won’t come clean and react to that difficulty with an intensity that doesn’t match the importance of the situation. The real issue isn’t the dish, but the underlying trigger it represents.
Many of us associate trauma with events such as violence, serious injuries, or catastrophic disasters. However, psychological trauma encompasses emotional distress that can arise from various overwhelming experiences, including those that can trigger intense or unexpected responses. It’s crucial to recognize that people process events differently; what may be deeply distressing for one person might not have the same impact on another. This understanding helps create a compassionate space for everyone’s unique healing journey.
So, let’s take a moment to dig into just what we’re talking about when we say “trigger,” come up with some proactive plans to deal with them, and look toward long-term healing. Though triggering experiences can feel intense, healing is possible. In that spirit of hope, let’s talk triggers.
WHAT IS HAPPENING WHEN WE ARE TRIGGERED?
“Today at church there was a table set up with a display about abortion with fetal models in a clear case. When I saw the 12-week-old model, I started sobbing because that’s how far along I was.” – Client
While this client was triggered by an obvious connection to her abortion experience, sometimes we can find ourselves triggered and we don’t even really understand why. Especially in these less-clear situations, it can be helpful to know what is happening in your brain when you are triggered. After all, the actual experience of being triggered can be scary, confusing, and extremely difficult to handle as it’s happening.
Scientists speculate that part of what is happening when we are triggered involves how memory is stored in the brain. There are regular memories, and then there are traumatic memories. The brain likes to plant a whole bunch of red flags on those traumatic memories, because your brain’s main job is to keep you alive. Therefore, the events that generated those traumatic memories were dire enough for your brain to consider them a threat to your very existence. If you get anywhere near that trauma, those red flags start flapping.
The high number of red flags are why sometimes triggers aren’t obvious. The anniversary of an important day can be an easily anticipated challenge, but it might be a while into your healing before you piece together why you find a certain song triggering. Maybe that song was playing when you learned you were pregnant, or you associate it with a person who harmed you. Learning to recognize your triggers, particularly those with a less obvious connection to the original trauma, is an important step in your healing journey.
Once you have stumbled into a trigger, whatever it might be, things happen very quickly in the upstairs control room.
The part of your brain in charge of freaking out is called the amygdala. Let’s say a relative says something hurtful, or you hear something you associate with your abortion experiences. That trigger is too close for comfort to the original trauma. The red flags fly, and the amygdala slams the red panic button.
The captain of the ship is the hypothalamus, who hears the siren and reacts immediately, dumping the adrenal glands and filling your body with adrenaline. Your brain and body go into fight or flight mode. Your heart rate speeds up, you might start to sweat or feel hot. And here’s the thing—time doesn’t mean anything to your physical self. If the trigger is strong enough, you can experience trauma as if it is happening in the present, as with this client:
“A few months ago something snapped. I’m not even sure what it was. But, suddenly, I felt depressed and my mind has gotten stuck on my abortions and it won’t relent. I feel so sad, anxious, and hopeless. I’ve been doing well since I did an abortion healing program 20 years ago. But now it’s like I’m reliving all my pain and trauma again.”
For some people, being triggered makes them literally speechless. This is because Broca’s Area in the brain is in charge of language. When we’re triggered, all the juice goes to the parts of the brain responsible for straight up survival. We don’t need words to run or fight. This is why being taunted with “use your words” in such a moment is particularly cruel—we don’t have any words to use.
It is important to note just how biologically significant all of this is. Sometimes we can feel embarrassed about being triggered, feeling ashamed of our inability to cope, feeling that we aren’t strong enough.
The idea that the trauma we experienced was so difficult that our own brain considered it a threat to our survival can be enlightening. The world presented so much danger to us that we are now struggling to determine what is and what is not the end of us. Give yourself grace if you are tempted to judge yourself over how difficult it can be to heal.
YOU HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED—NOW WHAT?
As soon as the adrenaline dies down enough for the thinking part of the brain, the neocortex, to come back online, do your best to assess your situation. If you’re at a holiday party with people who are clearly a threat to your psychological well-being, and you have been triggered by hurtful words that are likely going to keep coming, it’s okay to leave. Give yourself permission to put yourself first and go.
Even if the trigger comes from an innocent place, it might be that right now, this is too much. It is still okay to leave, even if the people around you mean you no harm. Your mind is in the process of healing. It is okay to protect it.
If you assess your situation and determine this is a safe place for you to stay, your next step is to ground yourself in the present. You can start with something as simple as listing three things you can see, three things you can hear, and something you can smell. Because the survival part of your brain is not interested in time or place, reorienting the thinking part of your brain to where you are—and when you are—can help to pull you out of the trigger freefall. Breathing exercises can also be helpful in centering yourself.
HOW DO WE SHOW UP FOR OUR LOVED ONES?
Possibly what brought you to this blog is not your own personal situation, but that of a loved one. Perhaps, as we’re heading into the holidays, your friend or relative is dealing with their abortion experience(s), and you want to be proactive in helping them through this difficult time. (Or perhaps you’d like to forward this blog to a family member as a not-so-subtle hint of how you would like to be treated during this time. If so, good job advocating for yourself!)
First, look at this “Ring Theory of Venting” graphic:
Whoever is the one dealing with their abortion experience(s) is at the center of the circle. They can vent to the people outside of the circle, but the people on the outside of that circle cannot vent inward. Let’s say, your niece is dealing with an abortion experience and you’re having a lot of feelings about that. Talk to the next circle out—your friends, your spouse, your therapist. If those people are having a lot of feelings about the situation, they go to their next circle out.
What you don’t want to do is to dump your feelings onto the person closer to the trauma than you are. That is very often triggering, painful, and counter-productive toward healing.
Second, let the person at the center of the circle take the lead when it comes to discussion. If they want to talk about it, follow their lead. It may even be appropriate to share some of what you are processing, which is very different than dumping your feelings onto someone. That said, avoid the temptation to “bright side” somebody. In other words, creating a list of positives to forcibly cheer them up by looking at the bright side of their situation. And if the person is signaling that they’re not ready to talk, don’t force the issue. Patience is a virtue when it comes to being there for people who are healing.
Third, it is fine to suggest activities that can be helpful in regulating the nervous system. Depending on what the person enjoys, it could be baking cookies, going for a run, or sitting outside with a cup of coffee and watching the world go by. If the person declines, don’t take it personally. They’re not rejecting you, they’re just in the thick of it, and maybe they’ll be up for it later. Healing can be an ever-shifting experience, hard to predict and inherently up-and-down. It would be great if progress was a steady improvement from beginning to end, with every day better than the one before, but it just doesn’t work like that.
Finally, one of the best things you can do is to simply be present. Nothing needs to be done or said. If you are calm and steady, your presence can help bring emotional regulation to someone else. When someone is going through a lot, having a loved one give them permission to just be—without looking to what can be achieved, gained, communicated, understood, improved upon—can be the greatest gift of all.
WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING TRIGGERED?
While there is the obvious downside of going through the triggered experience, wherein your brain is hijacked by a bunch of chemicals and leaves you feeling out of control and emotionally wrecked, there is also another negative—turning to unhealthy behaviors to cope.
As one client said:
“I’m not doing well at all. I just want to drink. I blacked out last week. I don’t know why I’m not going forward. I thought I was healing, but I think I was just distracting myself. This month is the anniversary of when I met the guy who got me pregnant.”
When you’re feeling too many things, especially negative emotions, it can be easy to escape into a myriad of unhealthy behaviors. While substance abuse is an obvious one, any sort of excess can pull us out of balance. Too much exercise, too much food, too much work, or the inverse of any of those and many more—the desire to avoid feeling those heavy emotions can be strong.
This is part of why it is so important to get a handle on just what triggers you, and why it is important to strategize a path through the holidays that keeps you as safe as possible. Your nervous system can yell very loudly when it is injured, and it is hard to fight the desire to quiet it with whatever means necessary. Unhealthy coping can slow down your overall healing, and possibly even lead you toward more trauma.
PLAN AHEAD AND AVOID TRIGGERS ALTOGETHER
Sometimes just the approach of the holidays can generate anxiety. As one client said:
“Holidays are hard… families, kids, babies. And resentment. I have a lot of resentment toward family members and others involved who said or did things at the time of the abortion that caused me pain. It’s hard to be around them and supposed to act joyful. It’s been a few years, but when I see them, it brings all that anger and pain to the surface. It’s kind of hard to feel like celebrating anything.”
Those deep-seated feelings make it more likely that a triggering episode will occur. Putting a plan in place going into the holiday season is important, and those plans shouldn’t be limited to just family gatherings. It’s a good idea to take stock of your calendar and identify anything that might be problematic.
For example, you might need to attend a work holiday party, but you’re feeling anxious, having realized several potential triggers might be present. Identify people with whom you feel safe and stick by them. If you don’t have a person to rely on, have a plan. Something like, I will get one plate of snacks, say hello to these people, and then I will go home.
For those who struggle with making time and space for themselves during the ordinary times of the year, putting yourself first during the holidays can be extra difficult. When we are working on our own healing, the expectations of others can tax an already stressed nervous system, making it more likely we will be triggered.
Prioritizing your healing is the right thing to do for you, but it’s also the right thing to do for the world around you. Dreams that you hope to realize, friendships both present and future, loving the people close to you—the more you’re healed, the better you can show up for yourself and others. So, while it can be difficult to carve out a safe space for yourself, you are worth it, and so is your future.
Cultivating a healthy habit of spending time in a safe space—and sticking to it through the holidays—can help regulate the stress of the season. The limbic system is the part of your brain that handles emotions, memories, and behaviors. Maintain that system through morning walks, an evening cup of tea, working out, time spent in a group or at church—whatever helps you to soothe yourself is worth prioritizing.
For those who already utilize virtual drop-in support groups, you know the value of checking in with people who understand what you are experiencing. If you have not yet tried a virtual drop-in group, maybe now is the time. A link will be provided at the end of this blog for drop-in groups scheduled around the holidays. These sessions are open to anyone struggling emotionally after abortion, not just those having a hard time with the holidays. These are open forums with an experienced facilitator, creating a safe space just when many need it most.
WHAT IS THE GOOD NEWS?
Here’s the good news—you can heal from trauma. You will never be the same person you were before, but that’s okay. You might even carry around a more sensitive nervous system for the rest of your life, but that is okay, too. There are blessings to that awareness.
Here’s the thing—over time, you can heal more and more. When those red flags start to fly, the amygdala in your brain can learn to say, “Yeah, that’s the song that person liked, but that person isn’t here. I can just change the channel. I am safe.” Over time, you can determine who is and who is not a refuge for you and adapt accordingly. Over time, you can work your way through resources like Keys to Hope and Healing to process your emotions from your abortion experience(s) and Unraveled Roots to better understand your hurts and traumas that may affect your healing. Over time, your greater awareness can change the way you react to triggers. Over time, you can get to a place where your brain can accurately determine when you are safe and when you are not.
You can change your life for the better.
WHERE TO GET SUPPORT
If you or someone you know is struggling emotionally after abortion, we are here to help – with compassion and without judgment. Reach out when you’re ready.
You can start by looking at our website supportafterabortion.com for information, videos, self-guided healing, and more for women and men.
WHEN ARE THE DROP-IN HOLIDAY SUPPORT GROUPS?
Since holidays are one of many potential triggers for people who have experienced abortion, we are offering extra support during this holiday season. Any women struggling emotionally after abortion are welcome. Your desire for support doesn’t need to be specifically related to the holidays. This is an open forum for women to share in a safe space with an experienced facilitator.
Drop-In Holiday Support Groups
5:30pm ET on WED NOV 20 and TUE DEC 17.
Zoom link: CLICK HERE
HOW CAN I CONTACT THE AFTER ABORTION LINE?
Reach out to our After Abortion Line by online chat, phone, text, email or messaging on Facebook or Instagram. We offer confidential, compassionate support at no cost to you. We can connect you to the healing resource that best meets your preferences – that may be one-on-one, group, or independent; counseling or peer facilitator; virtual, in-person, or self-guided; religious or secular, etc.
DO YOU – OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO – PROVIDE AFTER-ABORTION SUPPORT?
Explore our Provider Training Center and attend our free monthly Abortion Healing Provider webinars and Quarterly Facilitator Trainings.
© Support After Abortion