GRATITUDE AND ABORTION HEALING AT THANKSGIVING: FINDING LIGHT DURING DIFFICULT SEASONS

by | Nov 3, 2025 | Blogs, Featured Articles, Holidays and Triggers, Men Healing From Abortion, Support and Healing After Abortion, Women Healing After Abortion

Gratitude at Thanksgiving or not - Thanksgiving table with turkey, pumpkin pie, and fall decorations

Struggling with grief after abortion during Thanksgiving? Learn when gratitude helps in healing and when it doesn’t, plus how to navigate holiday triggers.

 

Thanksgiving after abortion can feel unbearable. If you’ve experienced abortion and Thanksgiving is stirring up complicated emotions this year, it can feel isolating. The pressure to practice gratitude during the holidays can feel overwhelming when you’re struggling with emotions like guilt, grief, anger, or numbness. In this guide, you’ll find real insight into why gratitude can feel so heavy after abortion, what makes it healing or harmful, and practical steps for navigating Thanksgiving with compassion for yourself.

In this guide:
(If you’d like to jump to a particular section, just click on it.)

WHY GRATITUDE FEELS IMPOSSIBLE AFTER ABORTION

Picture this: You’re sitting down at Thanksgiving, passing overflowing casserole dishes back and forth, soaking up the warmth of good conversation and hot apple cider, when suddenly your great aunt clinks her spoon against her glass (the ones used only on special occasions). She announces that it’s time for each person around the table to say what they’re thankful for.

Your heart sinks. This has been a tough year, and you were dreading this question, mulling your answer over and over during the whole drive here.

While a moment of reflection can be well-intentioned, not everyone is in a place to express gratitude, especially around the holidays, which can stir up complex emotions for many people. Studies show that the holidays can even increase feelings of grief or stress levels.

If you have experienced abortion, November can feel particularly heavy as you are navigating a season when the cultural focus is family and “togetherness.”

Being tasked with feeling grateful while in the middle of grieving can feel like just that: a task.

“I remember thinking, how can I be thankful when I feel so empty?”

While gratitude can be a useful tool in the healing process, it’s important that it comes naturally. Forcing it upon yourself (or others) can not only seem performative, but rob you of permission to feel your full feelings and invalidate what you’re going through.

You don’t have to be grateful right now, and that’s okay. You also don’t have to “just get over it” or force yourself to “see the bright side” of things. If you are struggling with your emotions after abortion around the holidays, your experience is valid and shared by many.

When you’re ready, a gentle and timely approach to gratitude can make all the difference in your healing journey and make future holidays feel a little less heavy.

COPING WITH THANKSGIVING AND HOLIDAY TRIGGERS AFTER ABORTION

“Holidays are hard… families, kids, babies. And resentment. I have a lot of resentment toward family members and others involved who said or did things at the time of the abortion that caused me pain. It’s hard to be around them—and I’m supposed to act joyful. It’s been a few years, but when I see them, it brings all that anger and pain to the surface. It’s kind of hard to feel like celebrating anything.” 

Why Thanksgiving Feels Different After Abortion

For those who have experienced abortion, there are many possible situations that can provoke difficult feelings while attending Thanksgiving that others may not consider, such as:

  • Being around children, babies, or someone who is pregnant
  • Thoughts of your child(ren) missing from the family gathering
  • Being asked what you’re grateful for while you’re grieving
  • Recent anniversary date(s) of abortion(s)

So, why does Thanksgiving hit differently for so many, especially for those who have experienced abortion? First, the cultural messaging we receive about gratitude and family near Thanksgiving can further complicate already complex feelings you may have after abortion like grief, frustration, regret, discontent, guilt, anger, or resentment. It can be especially difficult if any of these feelings are centered around your own family situation.

Common Triggering Moments At The Holiday

While you’re patiently waiting for the turkey to come out of the oven, you find yourself parked in the corner of your great aunt’s old sofa, scrolling on your phone to pass the time. It’s hard not to be bombarded with online messages of gratitude, togetherness, and thankfulness around Thanksgiving. For those going through abortion grief, these posts can stir up feelings of comparison, lack, envy, anger, and more.

Back at the Thanksgiving table, between the macaroni and cheese and sweet potato casserole, your cousin leans over and nudges you in the side. Her five-year-old has just run off with her last bite of pumpkin pie and she’s laughing. She whispers, “So, when are you going to have one of your own? Imagine the play dates our kids could have!” You force a smile while she turns to chat with your sibling, not realizing how intrusive or hurtful her words were. Suddenly, you find yourself asking to be excused from the table so you can take a chilly walk outside and shake it off.

Interactions like these can be common at Thanksgiving events. For those struggling after abortion, they can cause a spiral of negative feelings that are difficult to navigate while everyone else around them is busy celebrating.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY INTERACTIONS

There are several steps you can take prior to and during Thanksgiving get-togethers to help you prepare emotionally—and ideally avoid awkward interactions with others. You can:

  • Set boundaries before events: Decide what you will and won’t discuss with others. Your life and feelings are your own to share, or not. Don’t feel pressured if someone is asking you to discuss something you don’t want to.
  • Have an exit strategy that creates safety: People are naturally curious, and if you’re surrounded by friends and family who care about what’s going on with you, it’s natural that they ask questions. But when a boundary is crossed, you can create safety for yourself by having physical and emotional ways out of difficult conversations. In some cases this can be as simple as changing the subject, excusing yourself and going to a different room/outside, or gently but firmly stating the topic isn’t something you’re interested in discussing. In each case, leading with compassion and trusting yourself to know the best way to handle the conversation can help you feel firmer in your boundaries.
  • Prepare responses to common questions beforehand: Being prepared for how you want to answer common questions helps you respond with a clear head and state things in a way that either invites, or doesn’t invite, further conversation. Common questions and example responses could include:
    • “What are you thankful for this year?”
      • “I’m grateful for [something simple: my health, my job, this meal]. What about you?” 
      • “Honestly, it’s been a hard year. I’m thankful for people who’ve been patient with me. What about you?”
      • “I’m still figuring that out. How about you?”
    • “Anything new or exciting to share?”
      • “Not much—just taking things day by day. How about with you?” 
      • “Work’s been busy, but nothing dramatic. What’s new with you?” 
      • “Just focusing on the basics right now. Tell me what you’ve been up to!”
    • “When are you going to have kids?”
      • “That’s not something I’m thinking about right now. Tell me about [their kids/job/hobby].” 
      • “Kids aren’t in my plans at the moment. How are yours doing?” 
      • “That’s pretty personal. What have you been up to lately?”
    • “When are you going to settle down/get married?”
      • “I’m happy where I am right now. What’s going on in your life?” 
      •  “Not sure yet—I’m just taking things one step at a time. What are you working on that’s exciting for you?” 
      • “That’s not my focus right now. How are things with you?”

Pro tip: Notice how each response redirects back to the other person? This conversational technique helps you set a boundary while keeping things light.

  • Brief your support person beforehand: If you’re bringing a partner, friend, or family member to Thanksgiving, let them know ahead of time what topics feel off-limits, signs that you’re struggling (so they can check in or help you exit), and give them permission to run interference if someone asks invasive questions. You might say: “If I seem quiet or uncomfortable, can you help change the subject or suggest we take a walk together?” Having someone in your corner who understands can make the difference between surviving Thanksgiving and actually getting through it with less pain.

ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO APPROACH THANKSGIVING

If you’re struggling with grief after abortion and you just can’t do Thanksgiving in the “usual” way this year, that’s okay. While your friends and family may have expectations around the holiday, your healing and mental health are important. There are lots of ways to “do” Thanksgiving. The beautiful thing is, you get to define that for yourself.

A way to start is by reframing the gratitude aspect of Thanksgiving to be about something that feels meaningful and true to you. It does not have to be about family. It can be about anything, as long as it feels right to you.

Another great way to create space for abortion healing around Thanksgiving is to start new traditions. This could look like quiet reflection, travel, volunteering at your local shelter, gatherings with chosen family/friends, writing, or anything that feels emotionally nourishing and healing.

Giving yourself permission to opt out of or skip events if they feel like too much to handle is a great way to set boundaries. Having negative experiences with family members or friends while juggling grief after abortion can cause further harm to your mental and emotional health. Loved ones who support you will understand that these aspects of your healing need to be treated with patience and priority.

SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READY FOR GRATITUDE AFTER ABORTION . . . YET

If you’re feeling up to it, you can start a gratitude practice during Thanksgiving season. That can look different for each person, but first, let’s talk about if it’s the right time to start.

“It’s been a year, and the crying spells still happen… I feel like I’m an imposter. Who am I? Who I say I am, or thought I was? I’m completely changed after the abortion. I’m still processing my shame. I just want to forgive myself. I feel like every other day I get slightly triggered by an Instagram post of a baby or when I think of what it would be like if I were holding my baby. Maybe I don’t deserve to feel at peace. It’s a whirlwind everyday.” 

Grief doesn’t move in a straight line, and neither does healing after abortion. Some days you may find yourself intensely angry, other days completely numb, and then suddenly you are overwhelmed by a wave of sadness.

This rollercoaster of emotions while processing grief is normal and a very human experience. The back-and-forth is a part of how your brain and heart make sense of what you’ve gone through.

Understanding the stages of grief recovery can help you recognize if you are in one of them, and see others in their grief as well. When you accept the reality of a situation, you can then begin to seek help and healing or offer support where appropriate.

Immediately after experiencing something painful—like abortion—you might find yourself entering “survival mode.” Your body and mind are entirely focused on just getting by. The simple act of brushing your teeth or getting dressed has you running on fumes. Gratitude or deep reflection can be helpful tools during a healing journey… but if you’re in survival mode, maybe not just yet.

Signs that you might be in survival mode include:

  • Flashbacks
  • Nightmares
  • Intrusive thoughts about the abortion(s)
  • A lack of feeling safety or stability
  • Feelings of intense anger or sadness
  • Panic attacks

“I find it hard to concentrate or do anything constructive with my life. I’m tired, sick, sad. I can’t stop replaying everything.”

“I’ve been having terrible nightmares and an immense sense of regret and heartache since my abortion.”

I’m so full of anger, regret, and grief. I feel like I have no one. I’ve been having panic attacks and just want to drink.”

HOW TO MAKE GRATITUDE FEEL SAFE AFTER ABORTION

Establishing safety within your system by working through complex emotions that can accompany abortion—like guilt, relief, sadness, and anger—is one of the first steps to finding peace. While many find this especially difficult, being gentle with yourself or seeking compassionate support can shift your perspective, validate your experiences, and bring a greater sense of safety to your body and mind.

Some other great ways you can create more safety within yourself are:

  • Connecting with nature
    👉Our Nature-Based Healing Resource has some great ideas for you— click for free digital or Amazon paperback versions.
  • Meditating
  • Practicing mindfulness and staying in the present moment
  • Doing small acts of self-care—physically, mentally, and emotionally
  • Practicing breathing exercises to reduce anxiety
  • Shifting from saying or thinking “I can’t” to “I can’t… yet”
  • Reframing negative thoughts about yourself

Once you have established safety within your system, you may find your anxiety and fear decreasing. Things may feel lighter or easier to handle than they did before.

At some point, you may experience enough healing that you wonder, “What’s next?” You might start setting more goals, reconnecting with friends and family, and perhaps even finding ways to help others who’ve had similar experiences.

If you’re seeing these changes in yourself, this may be a good time to establish a gentle gratitude practice, as the heavier feelings have been processed, making emotions like gratitude, joy, acceptance, and contentment easier to feel than before.

AM I READY FOR A SEASON OF GRATITUDE? A SELF-ASSESSMENT

Forcing gratitude can backfire and make you feel inadequate or frustrated. When you’re struggling after abortion, assessing where you’re at emotionally can help you determine when is the best time to introduce a gratitude practice into your life. 

Ask yourself:

Can you relate to any of the signs in either list? 

If you relate to more of the first list, it may mean you’re not ready for gratitude—yet. 

“When people tell me to ‘be thankful,’ it feels like a punch in the gut.”

“I’m barely holding it together. Making a list of ‘blessings’ is just not something I can think about right now.”

If you related to more of the second list, this might be a good time to explore building a gratitude practice that works specifically for you, which we’ll get into later.

“I caught myself smiling at something simple, and for the first time in months, it didn’t feel forced.”

“Little things—like hearing a song I love—don’t feel pointless anymore.”

“I’m hurting so much, but I feel a tiny spark that maybe I could try something different to start working through all these feelings and start healing.”

THE NEUROSCIENCE BEHIND WHY GRATITUDE TIMING MATTERS

You may be wondering why the timing matters so much. When you’re struggling with healing after abortion and looking for a solution, gratitude might seem like an “easy” win. All of those healing gurus practicing gratitude must be on to something, right? But if you’re not ready, it can do more harm than good.

Your nervous system controls a lot of things like your thoughts, memories, movement, senses, and even things you’re not normally aware of, like breathing and digestion. How calm or stressed your nervous system is affects how easy—or hard— it is to feel gratitude. Let’s talk about three states your brain and body can shift between: Healing, Fight or Flight, and Shutdown or Freeze. Think of it a bit like a traffic light. Green means your nervous system is in healing mode. Yellow is fight-or-flight, ready to react. And red is shut-down/freeze, where everything comes to a halt.

If you are experiencing either yellow or red, this means gratitude will likely feel fake or impossible because the part of your brain that allows for reflection and positive feelings is too busy scanning for threats and danger. Your body is literally preparing to either fight/escape, or freeze/numb out. And that’s likely not the right time to practice gratitude because you are not feeling a sense of safety.

Gratitude becomes possible when you are in healing, or green mode—when your nervous system feels calm and safe. This allows for reflection, connection, and positive emotions.

Our brains are built to scan for danger first—it’s part of being human. (Think back to the “survival mode” we talked about). While that helps keep us safe, it can also leave us stuck seeing only what’s hard or painful. Practicing gratitude can help retrain your brain to also notice the good along the way in your healing.

HOW TO START A GRATITUDE PRACTICE AFTER ABORTION

Gratitude is a practice, not a performance. If it feels forced, give yourself permission to pause and come back to it later. Gratitude is also not about toxic positivity—pretending everything is fine, sugar-coating it, smiling through the pain, or pushing it away with cliches like “everything happens for a reason.” 

So, where can you start? Start small. When small moments of joy and safety are celebrated and acknowledged, this creates a snowball effect that builds until gratitude can flow more naturally. This could look like expressing gratitude for the tiniest of things, like the warmth of your morning coffee.

Practice gratitude for your “one small thing” as often as you feel able until you build the muscle and are able to “do more reps.” As you increase your practice, you may find your gratitude expands to things like your personal resilience or the support of others during your abortion healing journey.

Once you really get going, creating a ritual around your gratitude practice can be a helpful way to anchor your days and positively influence your mindset. Some things to consider are:

  • When you want to practice: Is a morning, afternoon, or evening ritual more effective for you?
  • How you want to practice: do you prefer to make a mental note, write it down, create art, share it with someone else, or express it in another way?
  • How often you want to practice: Creating a sustainable gratitude routine, whether it’s daily, weekly, or some other time period, can help you feel motivated and maintain momentum.
  • Stay flexible: Never force yourself to practice gratitude if it doesn’t feel right. Give yourself permission to skip days when needed, knowing that your ritual is always there to return to when you’re ready.

If Faith Is Part Of Your Healing

If faith or spirituality is part of your life, you may find that weaving prayer or Scripture into your gratitude practice adds a deeper layer of comfort. For some, this might mean keeping a prayer journal, thanking God for small moments of relief, or meditating on verses that remind you of hope and renewal. If this resonates with you, lean into it. If not, focus on paths that fit your journey.

WHEN TO STOP A GRATITUDE PRACTICE

Gratitude practices can become harmful if you’re not in the right mindset or if you’re in a season of your abortion healing journey where you need something different. Acknowledge if it’s not working for you and give yourself permission to stop if you realize it’s not feeling right. 

Ask yourself: Am I …

  • Feeling worse during or after my gratitude practice?
  • Feeling guilty about what comes up for me during my practice?
  • Comparing myself or my situation to others?
  • “Should-ing” myself? (Where I keep telling myself what I should feel or do instead of just being honest about where I’m at.)

If you are experiencing any of these, give yourself the grace to continue on your abortion healing journey in a different way. You can always try practicing gratitude again down the road when it feels comfortable.

THE LONG VIEW: HOW GRATITUDE GROWS OVER TIME

Establishing a gratitude practice when you are ready can be part of “playing the long game.” A UC Berkeley/UC Davis study found that the benefits don’t show up right away, but build over time. In the study, people who practiced gratitude didn’t feel much different at first. But four weeks later, their mental health was already stronger than those who didn’t practice gratitude—and by 12 weeks, the difference was even greater.

So, how important is gratitude in your abortion healing journey? Think of it as a healing companion, not a cure-all. Gratitude won’t erase the pain, but it can help lighten the load. You’ll see the greatest effects over time, so patience is key.

You don’t have to be “over it” to move forward. There is no finish line to healing, and “healed” looks different for every individual. As you reach different stages of your healing journey, your gratitude practice can morph to suit your changing emotional needs. If you find what you’re doing isn’t working, that’s okay. Changing your gratitude practice can help make it feel meaningful again. And if that doesn’t work, it’s okay to pause and rest, or find a different path that does feel meaningful to you. Taking small steps is the best way to get started and keep going.

If gratitude feels far away right now, know that your worth isn’t determined by this. Every step towards your healing is a step worth taking. Take it at your own pace.

At times, you may notice yourself holding both grief and gratitude. Both are valid and letting them sit side by side can ease some of the weight of your pain and grief.  

When you reach a steadier place, pause and look back. Notice the work you’ve done, the strength it took, the resilience you’ve shown. Thank yourself for that—it matters. Because you deserve gratitude, too.

And maybe one day, when the spoon clinks against the glass at Thanksgiving and the question makes its way around the table, you’ll notice something new stirring inside you. Not forced, not performative—just a quiet moment of real gratitude, emerging through the hard work you’ve done to heal. Until then, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are.

HEALING AFTER ABORTION

Whether you’re in the early stages of processing your experience or  looking for new tools to support your healing, these are compassionate approaches available to guide you at your own pace.

Keys to Hope and Healing A clear, practical, secular way to start working through what you’re carrying and move toward healing after abortion. Available for women and men. Resources include books (paperback and digital), videos, downloadable journal, and prayer booklets, along with a facilitator guide and training videos. Click HERE.

Finding Solid Ground: A Man’s Guide to Healing After Abortion Straight talk, powerful stories, and a clear path to healing after abortion grounded in God’s love and mercy. Resources include the book (paperback, Kindle, digital), a self-guided video series that walks men through the book with added insights, music, and practical tools), and a downloadable journal. Click HERE.

Unraveled Roots For when you want to dig a little deeper at what might be underneath the pain—like abandonment, addiction, abuse, or codependency—and find new ways forward. Resources for women and men include print and digital books, journals, self-guided video series, and an audiobook for men, along with facilitator guides and training videos. Click HERE.

Or connect with someone who understands and cares. Call or text the After Abortion Line at 844-289-HOPE (4673) or visit supportafterabortion.com for compassionate, anonymous support. We can connect you with resources and providers who understand, matched to your preferences—including secular or religious, virtual or in-person, one-on-one, group, or independent; counselor, peer mentor, or on your own.

Gratitude isn’t a requirement for healing after abortion—it’s a tool that becomes available when you feel safe enough to use it. Your well-being is worth protecting, which sometimes means saying “not yet” to gratitude practice. When you’re ready, even small moments of appreciation can gradually shift your perspective toward hope.

© Support After Abortion

We always welcome your feedback! If something in this blog struck a chord—or left you thinking—feel free to share your thoughts here.