INTRO
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river, and he’s not the same man,” said Greek philosopher Heraclitus. As the landscape of abortion healing evolves rapidly, we must adapt our approaches. In today’s webinar, Facilitating Abortion Healing in the Changing Landscape, a team of five Support After Abortion staff members will lead you through new strategies by focusing on two key scenarios facilitators face: guiding groups through anger and forgiveness, and meeting clients where they are in their healing journey.
GROW AND ADAPT
“We’re working through the changing landscape of abortion healing,” Greg said. He stressed the need to grow and adapt because the world is changing, and encouraged discussion on what is changing and how to intentionally change to better navigate this evolving landscape.
Greg explained that one challenge facilitators face is walking clients through anger and forgiveness. He said another issue is clients seeming interested, but not showing up to groups. Greg noted that this is particularly common on the men’s side, where engaging conversations often do not translate into group participation.
A third issue, observed through Support After Abortion’s support line and reported by providers, is the increase in clients seeking help within three months of their abortion. These clients are dealing with both physical healing and intense emotions. He emphasized, “these aren’t people who’ve had 25 years to process their emotions,” as was more often the case before medication abortion was so common.
To address these issues, Greg outlined two scenarios for the session. The first scenario involves a group discussion on anger and forgiveness, focusing on how facilitators can approach participants who may struggle in this area. The second scenario addresses how to meet clients where they are once they share their struggles after abortion. Greg clarified that these scenarios are applicable to both men’s and women’s groups.
Heidi thanked Greg for setting the expectations for the session. She explained that while preparing for the first scenario, they recognized the importance of seeking to understand first. She mentioned that facilitators have reported difficulties when clients can’t acknowledge their anger or their need to forgive and be forgiven. Heidi encouraged everyone to “seek first to understand” and to “stay curious in the process.”
She invited live webinar attendees to place questions in the chat box, noting that there would be opportunities for Q&A after each scenario. She explained that each scenario would first demonstrate the wrong way to handle it, followed by Q&A, and then the right way to approach the situation.
ROLE PLAY 1 – ANGER & FORGIVENESS – THE WRONG WAY
In the first role-play scenario, Karin, as the facilitator, began by acknowledging that Key Three, focusing on freedom from anger through forgiveness, could be heavy. She noted that women after abortions might feel resentment toward themselves, their partners, family, friends, or healthcare providers. Karin then asked her “group participants,” Heidi and Amanda if they had experienced such feelings after their abortions.
Amanda shared that although it wasn’t recent, she had felt alone when her partner seemed emotionally detached and left her to handle the planning alone.
Heidi related by describing a similar experience with her girlfriend, who she felt was dismissive and unhelpful, leading to feelings of isolation and sorrow.
Karin expressed sympathy for their experiences, noting that resentment often arises from unmet expectations. She explained that resentments can lead to anger, underscoring the importance of Key Three in the healing journey. Karin then asked both Amanda and Heidi if they felt anger toward their partner and best friend.
In response to Karin’s question, Amanda acknowledged that she did feel anger, explaining that her partner had left her to handle everything on her own when she needed support the most.
Heidi indicated she needed more time to think about her feelings.
Karin then asked if either Amanda or Heidi had resentments towards themselves.
Heidi questioned why she would have resentment towards herself, and Karin suggested it might be due to not thinking things through more, not expressing feelings to their partners or friends, or feeling regret over the decision.
Amanda clarified that her anger was directed at her partner for not supporting her by attending the appointment, despite her belief that she had made the right choice.
Karin reiterated that Key Three is about releasing anger to make space for forgiveness. She shared her own experience, saying that her anger after her own abortion had blocked her from receiving forgiveness, but once she let go of that anger, she found hope. Karin emphasized the importance of starting with oneself.
Heidi and Amanda both denied having anger towards themselves and were confused by Karin’s question. Amanda acknowledged Karin’s experience with self-directed anger, but clarified that her situation was different because her anger was directed at her partner for not supporting her and not towards herself or her choice.
Heidi felt her decision was right and questioned if focusing instead on the hurt caused by her friend was acceptable.
Karin responded to Heidi’s question by saying, “wherever you are has got to be OK,” but also continued insisting that Heidi should reflect on any self-directed anger, despite Heidi’s denial of it. Karin disregarded Heidi’s current feelings and presumed the presence of self-directed anger that Heidi did not acknowledge.
Heidi concluded the role-play scenario by acknowledging that what they had just seen was the wrong approach. Karin interjected, emphasizing that “nobody is going to show up next week for the group if you do it that way.” Heidi then reminded everyone of the context, noting that the participants were less than a few months removed from their abortion experience.
She indicated that they should now take a moment to reset and proceed with demonstrating the correct approach.
ROLE PLAY 1 – ANGER & FORGIVENESS – THE RIGHT WAY
Karin, as the facilitator, began the correct approach by acknowledging the weight of Key Three. She recognized the heaviness of the topic and asked Amanda and Heidi, the group participants, if they thought that women after an abortion experience might feel resentment towards themselves, their partners, family, friends, or even their providers. Karin then asked if either of them had experienced such feelings after their abortion.
Amanda shared that she had felt alone when her partner was non-emotional and left her to make the decision and plan alone.
Heidi related by describing a similar experience with her girlfriend, who she felt dismissed her needs and didn’t provide the support she wanted. Heidi felt isolated and hurt, especially since her friend was someone she had trusted deeply.
Karin responded by expressing sympathy and gratitude for their transparency, acknowledging that both had been hurt by people they trusted. She explained that resentments arise from unmet expectations, which can fester into anger. Karin reiterated the importance of Key Three for the healing journey and asked if either Heidi or Amanda felt anger towards their partner or best friend.
Amanda responded that she did feel upset with her partner for not supporting her when she needed him the most. Karin reassured her that this was okay.
Karin then turned to Heidi, who said she needed more time to reflect on her feelings.
Karin acknowledged that it could be challenging to unpack. She said, “I’m going to ask you a question here so I just want you to be open to it. I’m not saying that you should be, but I know that I experienced this, so do any of you have resentments toward yourself?”
Heidi questioned why she would have resentments towards herself. Karin explained that it is common for women to feel anger towards themselves after an abortion since they can not change the past. She asked if either of the women had experienced such feelings, while reassuring them that it was okay if they hadn’t.
Amanda stated that she felt her choice was necessary and that her current anger was directed towards her partner, impacting their life together. She expressed a need to learn to forgive him.
Karin acknowledged Amanda’s feelings, noting that anger could significantly affect relationships and was common after an abortion. She encouraged Amanda by highlighting that acknowledging her anger was an important step and suggested discussing forgiveness next.
Heidi shared that she felt a need to reconnect with her best friend, who had been a significant part of her life since middle school. She admitted that her anger was affecting their relationship and creating a divide between them.
Karin thanked Heidi for sharing and acknowledged the significance of recognizing her feelings, noting that this awareness was a big step and that anger could be a roadblock between Heidi and her best friend. Karin expressed understanding how important the relationship was to Heidi and reassured her that she had been heard.
Karin explained that an abortion experience could bring up many issues, making it difficult to address everything at once. Karin offered her support whenever Heidi felt ready to reflect on her anger towards her friend. Heidi agreed and thanked her.
ROLE PLAY 1 – ANGER & FORGIVENESS – DISCUSSION
Heidi announced the end of the role play, explaining the purpose of showing both the wrong and right ways to handle the situation. She emphasized the relevance of this training based on feedback from providers and assessments from Support After Abortion’s support line, noting the challenges faced by clients at various stages after abortion.
ROLE PLAY 1 – ANGER & FORGIVENESS – Q&A
Heidi then opened the floor for a Q&A discussion, acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation and assuring a safe space for questions.
Question 1: “I had a client share that she knew she made the right decision but had a huge amount of relief. Don’t they need to admit that they made the wrong choice to walk into forgiveness?”
Karin responded by emphasizing that healing is a process where individuals reveal and acknowledge things over time. She stressed, “We can’t make anybody feel something that they don’t. So for us to try, they’re going to understand that we have an agenda and then they’re going to shut down and not trust us at all.” Karin highlighted the importance of getting clients to talk without feeling judged by the facilitators, noting that keeping secrets can hinder healing, saying, “Our secrets keep us sick.”
She clarified that Support After Abortion doesn’t believe clients must acknowledge their decision as wrong to heal. Heidi added that clients often express both relief and regret. Karin agreed, noting that emotions like sadness and joy can coexist.
Heidi asked Greg for his thoughts on whether clients need to admit their decision was wrong before moving on.
Greg affirmed Karin’s points, stating that Support After Abortion emphasizes meeting people where they are and remaining curious. He highlighted the importance of not imposing an agenda on clients, as this could hinder their trust and healing.
Greg explained that healing doesn’t need to follow a specific order and stressed the need for open conversations and genuine listening. He noted that many people entering a healing environment may not fully understand their feelings yet. Greg explained that when facilitators allow clients to express themselves and walk with them through their journey, they can better support their clients’ healing process.
Heidi thanked Greg for his input and pointed out that the scenario also demonstrated how sharing too much of a facilitator’s own story could push their own agenda. She emphasized the importance of remaining neutral, focusing on the clients’ needs, “staying in the driver’s seat,” and knowing that even if the conversation strayed, it could always be brought back on track.
Question 2: “Should the approach differ based on the time since the abortion experience?”
Heidi responded by noting that everyone’s grieving process is unique. She emphasized the importance of staying curious and asking the right questions, regardless of whether someone is recently impacted or years past their experience. Heidi mentioned that the approach might not always be about the time frame but about assessing readiness through intake and referral form questions.
From her observations on Support After Abortion’s support line, she noted that individuals further removed from their experience can often articulate their feelings more clearly, while those recently removed tend to focus on specific issues and have less awareness of their emotions.
Karin said that individuals who were 25 years past their abortion typically presented differently from those who were only a week or a month removed. She explained that individuals whose abortion(s) were longer ago had developed coping mechanisms, though not always healthy ones. In contrast, she said those more recently affected were often highly emotional. While these individuals often affirm their decisions, they might feel deceived and angry and feel that their life has drastically changed, something they hadn’t expected. This emotional upheaval can lead to problems in their relationships and work, causing them to question why their life has become so difficult and why they are experiencing such strong emotions. Karin emphasized that facilitators should listen and normalize these feelings without trying to force any specific emotions, as these reactions are common.
Greg added that the client’s feelings, rather than what facilitators think they should feel, are crucial. He noted that there is often a heightened sense of urgency when someone’s abortion experience was recent. In comparison, those who have reflected on their experience(s) over decades might not have the same urgency. However, the mechanisms for addressing their emotions remained consistent.
Greg emphasized the importance of remaining curious and present without an agenda. He reflected on his own past mistakes of feeling an urgency to fix things. He stressed that facilitators should be open and nonjudgmental, allowing clients to express their needs.
Heidi summarized that individuals whose abortions were farther in the past often have a clearer understanding of their feelings, while those closer to it might feel confused and overwhelmed, questioning why their lives had changed. She noted that those further removed might face significant life issues and were seeking support, agreeing with Karin and Greg’s points.
Question 3: “Since forgiveness is such a heavy topic, would you recommend we spend an extra week on forgiveness in our group?”
Heidi advised sticking to whatever the original group plan is and not adding extra time. She suggested that if some in the group are struggling, it would be better to address their needs individually rather than changing the group schedule. She stressed the importance of adhering to the initial expectations.
Karin emphasized that adding an extra week in the middle of the group might suggest an agenda rather than meeting participants where they are. She noted that the process of forgiveness is just the beginning of their healing journey, not something that needs to be completed within the set program timeframe. Karin advised having plans for next steps beyond the group, saying, “This doesn’t end with you. We’re planting the seed, we’re not harvesting the field.”
Greg responded to the question from a men’s perspective, saying, “Ditto and ditto.” He emphasized the importance of sticking to the established expectations and format. Greg agreed that if a participant needs more time, the facilitator should address it privately rather than altering the schedule. He stressed the need to respect the time participants committed to and not disrupt the planned format.
Heidi reminded the audience that the first scenario focused on leading conversations when clients weren’t ready to address certain topics. She thanked Karin for participating in the Q&A and then asked Greg to introduce the second scenario.
ROLE PLAY 2 – EXPECTATIONS & SLOWING DOWN THE CONVERSATION – THE WRONG WAY
Greg introduced the next role play on setting up expectations. He mentioned that providers were having great introductions and connecting men and women for healing, but then these individuals were not showing up. He emphasized that as the abortion landscape is changing, we must adapt and change with it.
“We’re going to see how to slow down the conversation as we’re connecting to someone for abortion healing,” he said. He reminded everyone to be aware that if they have an agenda, it might surface, which could be the reason why “some people are not showing up.”
Heidi quickly reminded everyone that the scenarios can apply to both men and women.
Greg began as the provider and Nyles as the client. Nyles explained that he had been struggling and saw that the organization helps men who have gone through an abortion. Greg commended Nyles for seeking help, noting it takes courage and strength. He offered to set Nyles up with materials and a brochure detailing group dates and times.
Nyles then shared that he and his ex-girlfriend found out they were pregnant two months ago while their relationship was in turmoil and they were breaking up, making the situation messy.
Instead of addressing the personal experiences that Nyles was sharing, Greg jumped right back to thanking Nyles for sharing and continued to provide information about the group meeting in two weeks. He offered to be available for any questions and suggested Nyles text or email him if needed.
Nyles expressed uncertainty, sharing that since the abortion, his mind has been scattered, and he worries for his ex-girlfriend, noting he had never struggled like this before.
Greg responded, acknowledging that Nyles’s feelings could be normal for men who have experienced abortion and emphasized how the support group could help. He swiftly moved to provide Nyles with materials and a brochure about the group’s schedule. Greg expressed enthusiasm, sharing that he took years to seek help for his own abortion experiences and believed this group would be transformative for Nyles.
Nyles responded with a subdued, “Um, okay.”
Greg broke character, noting again that the previous approach was incorrect and humorously acknowledging its mistakes. He and Nyles then reset to demonstrate the correct approach.
ROLE PLAY 2 – EXPECTATIONS & SLOWING DOWN THE CONVERSATION – THE RIGHT WAY
Greg began by asking Nyles what brought him in. Nyles shared that he had been struggling and had seen the support offered for men who experienced abortion. Greg commended Nyles for seeking help and asked about the timing of his abortion.
Nyles explained that he and his ex-partner had learned about the pregnancy two months ago during a difficult time in their relationship, which had made the situation even more challenging.
Greg expressed sympathy for Nyles’s experience and asked if he had talked to anyone about it. Nyles said that he had only discussed it with his ex-girlfriend and had kept it private. Greg reassured Nyles that his feelings were common and offered to listen if he wanted to share more.
Greg then explained the support options available, including one-on-one peer support, group settings, and connections to therapists. He emphasized that the initial steps might seem daunting, but were manageable one step at a time. Greg offered to provide Nyles with resources and follow-up in a day or two to answer any questions.
When Nyles said he would appreciated receiving the materials, Greg asked how he would like to be contacted. Nyles said he wanted to receive the information via text to keep it private from his roommates. Greg took down his contact information and assured him that feeling uncertain was normal, and that they would work together to find a suitable path forward for Nyles.
ROLE PLAY 2 – EXPECTATIONS & SLOWING DOWN THE CONVERSATION – DISCUSSION
Heidi praised the role play, acknowledging the effectiveness of the intake process in assessing if someone is ready for a group. Heidi highlighted the importance of slowing down conversations to give clients adequate time to unpack their experiences, especially when their abortions were recent and they may be unsure about their feelings and uncertain about the healing process. This approach, which mirrors practices on the Support After Abortion support line, helps ensure that clients are genuinely understood and supported.
Greg emphasized that the goal of the second scenario was to offer Nyles a chance to open up while maintaining personal boundaries. He noted that men might feel uncomfortable or reluctant to share, so he aimed to create a non-threatening and non-pushy environment. Greg stressed the importance of allowing clients to share at their own pace without feeling pressured.
ROLE PLAY 2 – EXPECTATIONS & SLOWING DOWN THE CONVERSATION – Q&A
Question 1: “How soon would you follow up with them after meeting and providing the info? Can we go a little deeper into the questions that we should be asking to establish those boundaries that Greg mentioned?
Greg explained that in his approach with Nyles, he preferred to set a specific follow-up date, such as Friday at noon, to provide clarity and structure. He mentioned that by specifying a time and day and asking if that worked for the client, he allowed flexibility and gave the client a chance to opt out if desired. This approach provides clear expectations and respects the client’s preferences.
Heidi added that it’s important to clarify the preferred method of contact – whether text, email, or phone call – and to provide necessary details such as your own phone number or email address. She noted that it’s common for clients to ask for reminders of who is contacting them, especially if they are engaging with multiple resources.
Question 2: “What if they don’t respond at the follow-up time?”
Heidi responded that it’s crucial to first review your own organization’s policies on follow-up. If no procedure exists, she recommended developing one with your team. She shared that Support After Abortion’s policy on the support line is that if there is no response after an initial follow-up, they schedule one more attempt but do not continue chasing the client. They “honor the silence” after two attempts. She shared, “The important thing for me to remember, they know you’re there,” and they can choose to reconnect at any time.
Greg agreed with Heidi’s approach on follow-up and also emphasized respecting boundaries. He shared that in his previous experience, he would do two follow-ups and then, after a month, reach out once more to see if circumstances had changed. He said, “Remember, it’s not our job to make sure someone gets healed, it’s our job to offer the opportunity for healing.”
Karin added that she used to let clients know during their final contact that it would be her last attempt to reach out, as she had already made previous attempts. She explained that she did this to avoid any misunderstanding that she was “ghosting” them and to account for the possibility that emails or messages might have been missed. She also provided details on how they could reconnect if needed.
Heidi agreed with Karin’s approach and emphasized the importance of letting clients know that support is available whenever they are ready. She highlighted that, as demonstrated by Greg’s second role play, acknowledging that seeking help can be daunting is crucial. She advised setting clear expectations for clients and reassuring them that it’s normal to feel uneasy about starting a new support process.
Heidi also noted that a lack of response could stem from various reasons and isn’t necessarily negative. It’s essential to affirm that clients have the information they need and can reach out at any time.
Greg highlighted the need for providers to be comfortable with uncertainty. He shared an example from a few years back where a man he had spoken with initially didn’t respond to follow-ups, but later connected with him at another event a year later. This demonstrated that individuals might take time to process and engage at their own pace, and it’s essential to accept and adapt to this variability in the healing process.
Question 3: Because forgiveness is key, would you suggest that we share our own story to help share the importance of forgiveness?
Heidi referred back to Karin’s “wrong way” scenario, where she extensively shared her own experience, and pointed out that this was not the best method. She emphasized the need to consider the motive behind sharing personal stories: whether it’s to gain agreement or to educate and support the client.
Heidi recommended a more focused and brief sharing of personal experiences, if necessary, and then redirecting the conversation to the client’s needs. She stressed that the primary goal should be to facilitate the client’s healing, not to become their advocate.
Karin reflected that in the “wrong way” scenario, she demonstrated an agenda by projecting her own opinion that in order to receive forgiveness, they had to admit they were angry. She was trying to convince the client of their own anger, mirroring what had been essential for her own process, rather than focusing on the client’s individual needs and experiences.
Greg shared that personal stories should be shared only when appropriate and for the right reasons. He said that if he aims to convince someone of his own perspective, he misses the mark.
He explained that he keeps personal sharing to a minimum, only answering direct questions without elaborating too much. Greg stressed the importance of not having an agenda, but instead focusing on the client’s feelings and needs to uncover the root issues effectively.
CLOSING
Heidi mentioned that what had been shared so far in the training covered only some aspects of the evolving landscape for abortion healing and acknowledged that there are still other areas that have yet to be explored in the webinars. She stated that while there’s a lot of change and movement, the training focused on what seemed most relevant right now given the questions providers have been asking.
She also noted that the scenarios covered were key in addressing the complexities of the healing process. Heidi again emphasized the importance of allowing individuals to process their emotions at their own pace and encouraged ongoing learning and adaptation, noting that the scenarios discussed were based on real situations, albeit modified.
Heidi acknowledged that everyone is adjusting to new challenges and emphasized the importance of coming together to understand each other’s experiences and the areas of service for women and men. She expressed her hope that attendees felt supported and reassured that they are not alone in their client support efforts. Heidi shared her gratitude for each participant’s attendance and encouraged continued participation.
NEXT STEPS
Click here to watch the video of this webinar.
Click here to go to the self-guided Unraveled Roots for Men resources
Click here to go to the facilitator Unraveled Roots for Men resources
Click here to register for the next Men’s Healing Matters webinar.
Click here to register for the next Abortion Healing Provider webinar.
Click here to access Support After Abortion’s Resource Library.
Click here to explore Support After Abortion’s services, resources, and training for Abortion Healing Providers.
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