Codependency in Relationships

OVERVIEW 

Codependency in relationships can often stall healing after abortion for women and men and lead to burnout for abortion healing providers. In this webinar, we defined the lines between healthy interdependence and codependent behaviors. We explored root causes and common indicators of codependency and the impact of codependency on relationships and wellbeing. We discussed practical strategies for setting boundaries and practicing sustainable self-care to help you and your clients reclaim your identity, foster healthier relationships, and strengthen emotional resilience. 

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?

Karin Barbito, Healing Support Specialist at Support After Abortion, defined codependency as “a behavioral pattern where an individual excessively relies on others for emotional fulfillment and approval.” She noted that it is most often discussed in the context of marriage or romantic partnerships, but emphasized that it can show up “in any relationship, like between friends, coworkers, siblings, a parent and child, or a grown child with their aging parent.” Drawing from her own experience, she shared, “I know because I fell into that trap when I became a caregiver for my mother.” For the purposes of the webinar, she explained, we will use the word “others” to include any and all relationships in the discussion.

Karin highlighted the hidden cost of codependent behaviors: “It’s like we disappear.” In the drive to care for or stabilize others, people begin to neglect their own needs. She offered a vivid metaphor: “It’s like being so busy packing everyone else’s suitcase for a trip that you don’t realize your own bag is empty and you’ve missed your flight.” Over time, she said, this self-neglect leads to a loss of identity. Referring to an image in the slide deck of a person surrounded by masks, she explained that in codependency, “you become a chameleon, shifting your personality, your likes, and your opinions to match whoever you’re with.” Eventually, someone may reach a point where, “if you ask yourself, ‘Who am I when no one is watching?’ you might not have an answer.”

Karin added that codependency also stalls personal development. When a person’s energy is “100% focused on others, your own dreams, hobbies, career goals go on the shelf,” she said. “Eventually they get pushed so far back, you forget that they were even there.”

 TEN SIGNS THAT MIGHT INDICATE CODEPENDENT PATTERNS

Before going deeper into codependency, Karin shared ten signs that might indicate codependent patterns and encouraged attendees to think about themselves, “someone close to you, or a client” as they listened. She suggested that some of the signs might be surprising, noting that people may not realize they can be linked to codependency.

Karin then listed these 10 Signs You May be Codependent:

• You’re afraid of upsetting others.
• You have a hard time thinking about your needs.
• Your days are full of worrying about others.
• You obsess about others being pleased with you.
• You easily lose yourself in others’ drama, needs, and problems.
• You’re more comfortable taking care of others than yourself.
• You tend to overshare or overgive emotionally, physically, or financially.
• You struggle with setting boundaries or holding people accountable.
• You suffer from self-doubt.
• You were raised by someone with an undiagnosed mental illness, a narcissist, or a non-nurturing caregiver.

After reading through the list, Karin asked, “Did anything jump out at you in these signs?” For her, what stood out was the repeated focus on “others.” She noted that the word appeared in many of the signs, highlighting how codependency is “outward looking, not inward.” 

WHAT IS HEALTHY INTERDEPENDENCE?

Karin then introduced the opposite of codependency: healthy interdependence. “If codependency is merging with or disappearing into someone else,” she explained, “interdependence is partnering with them.”

She described interdependence as a balanced dynamic in which people rely on each other for support without losing themselves in the process. In healthy interdependence, “you are two complete people moving towards shared goals while still maintaining your own unique identity and your own boundaries.” Karin contrasted this with the codependency idea of needing another person to feel whole, emphasizing that in healthy interdependence “You aren’t two halves making a whole. You are two wholes walking together.”

HOW TO SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: CODEPENDENCY & HEALTHY INTERDEPENDENCE

Michele Mazelin, Communications Manager for Support After Abortion, walked participants through four key areas that help distinguish codependency from healthy interdependence: focus, needs, boundaries, and self-worth. Looking at these side by side, she explained, makes it easier to see how different the two patterns really are.

• FOCUS: Michele began with focus. In codependency, she said “[the person’s] center is not themselves, it’s someone else.” A person with codependent behaviors directs much of their energy toward “fixing, pleasing, rescuing, managing, [and] controlling the other person.” In healthy interdependence, by contrast, a person is still connected to others but “centered within themselves.” They are aware of “what’s theirs to carry and what’s not,” and they “strive for mutual support in relationships while maintaining their individual identity and autonomy.” 

She captured the contrast with two simple lines: a codependent focus sounds like, “I’m okay if you are okay,” whereas an interdependent stance is, “I’m okay and I’m here for you while you are not okay.”

To make this visual, Michele invited participants to imagine a shift in gravity. In a codependent dynamic, “your gravity is pulled toward the other person and you orbit around them.” In a healthy, interdependent relationship, “you each have your own center of gravity and you choose to orbit together.” 

She illustrated this with a practical example: if she planned to go to the gym and her partner came home moody, a codependent response might be anxiety and self-blame—“What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix their mood so I feel okay again? I need to stay home to help them.” In healthy interdependence, the same situation would be handled differently: “he seems upset. I’ll ask if he wants space or if he wants to come to the gym with me. Maybe I’ll suggest a movie or make dinner when I get back.” The partner’s mood is acknowledged, but not absorbed as her problem to fix.

• NEEDS: Turning to needs, Michele started with the healthier pattern. In interdependent relationships, needs are openly communicated. People “take ownership of [their] own wellbeing” and work to meet needs “both individually and within the relationship.” In codependency, by contrast, individuals often “suppress their own needs.” They may feel that having or expressing needs is selfish, or that “the other person’s needs are more important.” As a result, “their emotional wellbeing is tied to the other person’s state.”

Michele asked attendees to think about if they had ever felt like they “spent a whole day holding your breath because someone else was in a bad mood?” That feeling, she explained, is what it means to have your wellbeing wired into another person’s condition. She likened it to being “plugged into their emotional outlet.” If they have “a power surge of anger, you feel fried. If they have a power failure and get depressed, your lights go out too.” In healthy interdependence, by contrast, “you each have your own battery.” You can see that the other person’s “power is out,” and “maybe you offer them a flashlight,” but “your lights stay on because your wellbeing isn’t wired into their circuit.”

She illustrated this with a concrete example around physical needs. Imagine you’re starving and want to eat dinner at 6:00 PM, but your partner is busy gaming or working. From a codependent place, you don’t say you’re hungry; you wait until 8:00 PM when they finally get hungry, perhaps building a headache and becoming snappy while secretly wishing “they just knew that you needed to eat.” In doing so, “you’ve suppressed your physical need for food to avoid interrupting their state.” From a healthier, interdependent stance, you would recognize your hunger and say, “Hey, I’m hungry, so I’m going to start dinner. Do you want to join me? Or would you rather eat later?” You take ownership of your hunger, take steps to meet your needs, and “you don’t make it about them or their fault.”

• BOUNDARIES: Michele then moved to boundaries. In codependency, she explained, “boundaries are often fluid or non-existent.” There is “a lot of over-involvement in the other person’s problems”—their crisis becomes your crisis, and you may feel you “have to jump in to save them from the consequences of their actions.” In healthy interdependence, “boundaries are clear and respected.” You recognize that “you are responsible for your own feelings and actions, and they are responsible for theirs.”

She used a yard-and-fence metaphor to illustrate the difference. Being codependent is “like having no fence between your yards.” If your neighbor’s yard is full of weeds, “you feel like you have to pull them,” perhaps because you can’t tell where your yard ends and theirs begins, or you believe “they need your help even if they don’t ask.” Healthy interdependence “is like having a clear fence with a gate.” You’re responsible “for your own land, your feelings, and actions.” You can see into their yard and may say, “Hey, I can see that you’re having a rough time with those weeds.” You might “choose to offer a tool over the fence,” but you don’t do the work for them. And if their weeds creep into your yard, “you don’t tackle their yard, but you can take care of the weeds that get into yours.” Translating the metaphor back to daily life, Michele noted that when the other person’s “weeds”—their stress, addiction, bad moods—creep into your world, you “don’t climb the fence into their yard to fix it. You work on maintaining your yard.”

She offered another example: a friend or partner who is habitually late, and it’s starting to affect your plans. The codependent approach, she said, looks like making excuses for them to others, stressing and calling them repeatedly to manage them, waiting for them, or even skipping events because they’re late: “You’re over involved in solving their lateness.” The interdependent approach sets a clear boundary: “I’m going to head to the movie at seven o’clock to meet our friends. I’ve emailed you the ticket. If you are running late, I’ll save you a spot and text you the row and seat number.” In that scenario, you’re “taking responsibility for your own evening rather than trying to control theirs or changing your plans because of their lateness.”

• SENSE OF SELF WORTH: Finally, Michele contrasted where people draw their sense of self-worth. “For those with codependency, their self-worth comes from sacrificing, helping or being needed,” she explained. For those with healthy interdependence, “their self-worth is internal, coming from self-respect and personal values, regardless of their relationships.”

She compared the difference to “a distorted mirror and the sun.” With codependency, “your reflection, your self-worth depends on how you are reflected back by the other person.” If you’re helping or being needed and the other person is happy, “then you see a good version of yourself in the mirror.” But “if they’re angry, disappointed, or they don’t need your help, the mirror goes dark on your image of yourself, and your image of yourself is distorted.” In contrast, “someone with healthy interdependence has self-worth like the sun. You generate your own light from within, and the sun… shines regardless of how others see or think about it.”

ONE MORE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CODEPENDENCE & INTERDEPENDENCE

Michele noted that people with codependency are often described as fixers. They tend to feel most valuable “when their partner or friend is in a mess,” and may feel energized during a crisis because “then they can jump in and fix it.” When things are going well and they aren’t needed, they can feel “useless or anxious,” and “some might even pick a fight or point out a problem just to have something to fix to prove their worth again.”

By contrast, people with healthy interdependence are often described as steady. Michele gave simple examples: you might feel good about yourself because you hit a personal goal—“maybe you finished a book or you took a walk.” If your partner is doing well, “you celebrate with them.” If they’re struggling, “you support them,” but “you don’t feel more or less valuable based on how much they rely on you.” In that healthier pattern, “your self-worth is a constant, not a variable.”

SIGNS OF CODEPENDENT BEHAVIOR

Michele then explored four emotional and psychological indicators of codependency: difficulty saying “no,” an excessive need for control, difficulty identifying feelings, and anxiety and guilt.

1. Difficulty Saying “No”
   Michele explained that people with codependency often have a strong need to please others, which makes saying “no” feel risky. They may say yes even when they are overwhelmed, not because they want to, but because they’re afraid of being seen as selfish or unhelpful.

She gave an example of saying yes to a coworker’s last-minute request on a Friday afternoon despite already being at capacity. The person spends the weekend working and resentful, even though they agreed. By contrast, someone with healthy interdependence might acknowledge both needs—“I want to be helpful… but “my own projects and my scheduled rest” are important too—and respond with a boundary and an option, such as offering to look at the project on Monday or loop in a manager if priorities need to shift. Saying “no” or “not now,” paired with alternatives, becomes “safety rails for you and the relationship.”

2. Excessive Need for Control
   Next, Michele described an excessive need for control as another sign of codependency. When someone feels anxious or insecure about uncertainty, they may try to manage the other person’s choices, schedule, or emotions as a way to avoid being “caught off guard by pain.”

Using a parent–teen scenario, she illustrated how a parent might be anxious because their child hasn’t started thinking about college or applying to schools. So the parent takes over the process—researching schools, choosing majors, talking to admissions, even filling out applications—without the child asking or participating. Michele highlighted “at least three problems” with this: the parent carries stress that doesn’t belong to them, signals that the child is not capable, and prevents the child from making their own choices (including the possibility of not wanting college at all, which she cautioned could lead them to a codependent behavior of their own — going along with the parent’s plan for them in spite of what they want for themselves).

Healthy interdependence, she said, looks more like a consultant than a manager. The parent notices their own anxiety, offers specific support (“I’m happy to help you brainstorm majors… or go with you to look at campuses”), and then returns to their own tasks. If the young person misses deadlines, the parent can be “a soft, empathetic place for them to land,” without becoming “the engine driving their train.”

3. Difficulty Identifying Feelings
   Michele then turned to how codependency blurs emotional boundaries. Over time, people in this pattern can “lose touch with [their] own internal compass,” becoming like a sponge that absorbs other people’s emotions. It becomes hard to tell whether a feeling belongs to them or if they “just caught it from someone else.”

She described a scenario where someone is having a great day until a phone call with an upset family member leaves them just as angry or anxious. In that moment, they haven’t simply empathized; they’ve absorbed the other person’s mood and lost the ability to say, “Mom is upset, but I’m still okay.”

In healthy interdependence, a person can be present and compassionate—listening, reflecting, validating—while maintaining their own baseline. After a difficult call, they might take a breath, go for a walk, and remind themselves, “Mom’s upset, but I’m okay,” keeping their core mood intact.

4. Anxiety and Guilt
   Lastly, Michele addressed anxiety and guilt as another indicator. She noted that as humans, we are “responsible to others — to be compassionate, to be honest.” But we are “not responsible for others—for their choices, consequences,” and wellbeing. When someone else is struggling, a person with codependency may experience intense guilt and see the other person’s failures as a reflection of their own failure to rescue.

She used the example of a sibling who gets a speeding ticket they can’t afford and asks for money. Even though they weren’t in the car, the person with codependency may think, I should have reminded them to slow down. I’m a bad sibling if I don’t pay this, and feel compelled to fix it.

Someone with healthy interdependence, might say, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that stress. I’m not going to pay the ticket for you. If you’d like help looking at your budget or sitting with you while you call the court to try to work out a payment plan, I can do that with you.” Michele also noted the importance of language: saying “I’m not going to” is more honest and respectful than “I can’t” which subtly tries to manage the other person’s reaction.

Putting It Together: Mirror vs. Window
Michele summarized these patterns with a final image. “Codependency is like a mirror,” she said—you look at the other person’s problem and see only how it reflects on you, your guilt, your anxiety, your sense of failure. “Healthy interdependence is like a window.” You can see the other person’s problem clearly and even “offer a hand through the window, but you remain standing in your own room,” grounded in your own life and responsibilities.

WHAT CODEPENDENT BEHAVIORS DEVELOP FROM EMOTIONS?

Michele next described four common codependent behaviors that grow out of the emotional patterns she had just outlined: over-caring and enabling, poor boundaries, reactionary living, and relationship cycling.

1. Over-Caring and Enabling
   Over-caring and enabling goes beyond kindness. It looks like “constantly sacrificing your own needs to solve someone else’s problems,” such as paying their bills or loaning money—“especially when you can’t afford it”—or regularly doing things for others that they are capable of doing themselves. Over time, this becomes “trying to please others at your own expense,” rather than healthy support.
2. Poor Boundaries
   The second behavior, poor boundaries, builds on earlier themes. This can look like difficulty saying “no,” but also being over-involved in other people’s lives or allowing them to become overly involved in yours. People may find themselves taking on more than they can realistically handle to avoid disappointing others. In codependency, she said, the lines between “what’s mine” and “what’s yours” become blurred, and the person’s schedule, energy, and wellbeing are routinely sacrificed.
3. Reactionary Living
   Reactionary behavior is described as what happens when emotional “catching” creates instability. It’s not just feeling what someone else feels; it’s losing “the power to plan your own day, to control your internal environment.” When you’re living this way, “you are reacting to their weather rather than living in your own climate,” and “you’ve handed the remote control for your emotions over to someone else.” Your plans, mood, and sense of stability change based on the other person’s state, rather than your own values or needs.
4. Relationship Cycling
   Fourth, Michele highlighted relationship cycling—the “on again, off again” loop—as another common codependent pattern. This shows up when someone knows a relationship is dysfunctional or painful but keeps returning to it, often because they confuse intensity or being needed with love. For a person with codependency, she said, being alone can feel like “being nothing,” so they return to the cycle “to feel something.”

SELF-REFLECTION: HOW CODEPENDENCY SHOWS UP IN YOUR LIFE

Karin then invited participants to pause and reflect on how codependency might be showing up personally. She reminded attendees of the earlier “10 signs you may be codependent” list and noted that many may have thought of loved ones, clients, or specific lived experiences as they listened. Now, she encouraged them to consider their own lives.

Karin pointed back to the four behaviors Michele had outlined—over-caring, poor boundaries, reactionary behavior, and relationship cycling—and likened them to puzzle pieces that “fit together to create a picture of our daily lives.” She suggested that, for many, one piece might stand out more than the others.

Karin then highlighted three additional ways codependency might show up:

1. Difficulty Asking for Help
   Having a hard time asking for help is a common pattern, and Karin noted that this can be especially challenging for men. Many men are socialized to believe their value comes from being “the provider, the fixer,” which can make asking for help feel like an admission of weakness. As a result, a man may take on everyone else’s stress but not share his own, staying “the tough, reliable one” while becoming increasingly lonely and burned out. Karin emphasized that learning to ask for help can actually be an act of healthy interdependence and “a huge part of the codependency recovery process for men.”
2. Worrying About Others’ Opinions
   Another pattern involves persistent worry about what others think—whether people will like you, be your friend, or get mad at you. Karin shared from her own story, describing herself as having been “a raging codependent” who “could’ve been the poster child for codependency” and was constantly concerned with others’ opinions. She connected this to underlying self-perception, explaining that part of the reason was because she didn’t like herself. Over time, that changed; she noted that now she genuinely likes who she is, so what others think “isn’t as important,” and framed that not as arrogance but as honesty and growth.
3. Staying Quiet to Avoid Conflict
   Karin also named the tendency to stay quiet to avoid conflict. Some people go to great lengths to “keep the peace,” even when it is a false peace that suppresses their own needs, concerns, or perspectives. This pattern can keep relationships superficially calm while leaving deeper issues unaddressed.

To support further self-reflection, Karin introduced an online codependency quiz as another tool. She noted that some people resonate more with paper handouts like the “10 signs” sheet, while others prefer an online format. The interactive quiz provides immediate feedback and a score indicating whether responses suggest codependent tendencies. Several of its questions go beyond what was covered in the webinar, asking things like whether a person often apologizes for things that aren’t their fault, feels anxious or incomplete when not in a relationship, or struggles with jealousy or possessiveness. 

WHERE DOES CODEPENDENCY BEGIN?

Michele then turned to the origins of codependency and invited participants to “look back at the nest”—their earliest environments. Codependency, she explained, often begins in childhoods where emotional needs were consistently unmet or unpredictable. In those settings, children develop survival strategies: they stop paying attention to their own needs and start monitoring a parent’s or sibling’s needs “just to keep the peace.” “You aren’t born codependent,” she emphasized. “You’re trained into it by your surroundings.”

Those early adaptations do not stay in childhood. They become a blueprint for adult relationships. Michele described several common patterns:

• Some children learn that being “good” means being useful, and as adults they seek validation through caretaking, staying stuck in a loop of earning worth by meeting others’ needs.
• For others, boundaries feel dangerous. If saying “no” as a child led to angry outbursts, cold shoulders, or neglect, they may learn to “say yes and swallow [their] no’s”—eventually, they may not even think “no” anymore.
• When abandonment feels inevitable, people may cope by over-functioning and people-pleasing to make themselves feel “unfireable” in relationships.

Michele invited participants to picture codependency “like the root system of a tree.” What shows above ground are the behaviors—over-caring, poor boundaries, reactionary living—but underneath lie the causes. She named three key roots:

• Family of origin: Growing up with a parent who is chronically ill or struggling with addiction can force a child to grow up fast, stepping into roles of caretaker, mediator, or emotional stabilizer.
• Survival skills: People-pleasing and hyper-responsibility may have started as high-level survival skills to maintain security in an unpredictable home. Those strategies can be life-preserving in childhood, even as they become costly in adulthood.
• Unresolved trauma: Experiences of abandonment, rejection, or other traumas can leave a deep fear of being left behind. That fear can drive someone to placate or control the moods of everyone around them “so that we can feel safe,” even at the expense of our own needs and identity.

IMPACT OF CODEPENDENCY ON RELATIONSHIPS & WELLBEING

Michele then turned to what all of this means for real lives, highlighting four common outcomes of codependency for relationships and personal wellbeing: resentment and anger, loss of identity, relationship stagnation, and mental health strain.

1. Resentment and Anger
   Codependency often creates a one-way street. When someone is continually pouring their “energy, time, [and] money” into another person without receiving care in return, they don’t just get tired—they get resentful. Michele described it as “the exhaustion of feeling like an unpaid employee in your own relationship.” That simmering sense of being used, taken for granted, or never “off the clock” can build into anger over time.
2. Loss of Identity
   As codependency deepens, people frequently begin trading away pieces of themselves to keep the other person happy. Small compromises accumulate:

• Skipping the gym to avoid a guilt trip or cold shoulder for taking time alone.
• Canceling or slowly dropping friendships because it feels safer to stay home than risk what might happen while you’re gone—or the fallout when you return.
• Letting personal goals, hobbies, or promotions “gather dust” because the other person is in crisis, and it feels selfish to focus on your own growth.

Eventually, Michele noted, a person can “look in the mirror and [not] recognize the person looking back” because they’ve become “a supporting character in someone else’s movie.” Their life has been reoriented around another person’s needs, moods, and crises, while their own interests and identity are abandoned.

3. Relationship Stagnation
   Codependency also affects the health of the relationship itself. In a healthy dynamic, Michele said, a relationship is “like a living thing. It needs to grow.” By contrast, codependency is “about maintenance and control.” The focus shifts to keeping the peace and maintaining the status quo at all costs. There is little room for mutual development or honest change, because change feels threatening. The relationship stops being about shared joy and connection and starts to feel like “a project that you’re constantly managing.”
4. Mental Health Strain
   Finally, Michele emphasized the impact on mental health. When your happiness is tied to someone else’s mood, “you are living in a constant state of high alert.” This hyper-focus on another person’s internal world can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression. Your nervous system becomes overwhelmed because you have “made someone else’s internal world your responsibility and the source of your self-worth.”

To tie these outcomes together, Michele invited participants to think of emotional energy “like a bank account”:

• Resentment is what happens when you’re making constant withdrawals but no deposits.
• Loss of identity is like closing your own accounts entirely to fund someone else’s.
• Stagnation is “paying high maintenance fees just to keep an account open that earns zero interest.”
• And the mental health impact is “the overdraft notice”—your mind and body signaling that “you simply cannot give what you don’t have anymore.”

RECOVER & REBUILD FROM CODEPENDENCY

Karin shifted the focus to recovery, explaining that healing from codependency begins with a mental shift about boundaries. Many people think of boundaries as walls meant to keep people out, but in recovery “they’re actually bridges that allow us to stay connected without getting lost.” Boundaries help clearly define “where you end and the other person begins.” Without that line, she noted, “you aren’t in a relationship. You’re just in a merge—and that isn’t sustainable for anyone.”

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential because it allows you to reclaim your sense of self and autonomy. Reclaiming your autonomy and prioritizing your own wellbeing, Karin emphasized, is crucial for sustainable relationships: “You can only truly be present for someone else when you are also taking care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup.” In codependency, people often listen while feeling panicked, resentful, or drained—which means they aren’t really present or listening at all. Boundaries are the place “where it all comes together” so you can support others and still protect your energy and priorities.

Time-Boxing Support & the JADE Tool
Karin offered a practical example. Imagine a friend who calls every day after work to vent for an hour. You feel drained, but you keep listening because you don’t want to be “mean.” As you become more aware of your own needs, you realize you need that hour for your own peace.

In recovery, you “time box” your support: “I can talk for 10 minutes, then I need to go.” Karin noted that people often feel tempted to give reasons, but explanations can invite pushback. Instead, she recommended to not JADE—don’t justify, don’t argue, don’t defend, and don’t explain. The goal is to be calmly firm. Because there is a clear time limit, you can actually be fully present during those 10 minutes. You know when the conversation will end and when your personal time will resume. In doing this, you show yourself that you can be a supportive friend and still have “a life that belongs to you.” You’re no longer an extension of someone else’s crisis; you’re “a whole person with your own schedule and your own peace.”

Karin acknowledged that setting new limits may trigger discomfort at first. “You might feel a guilt spike the first few times,” she said. That guilt is “just your old codependency habit trying to retake control.” She encouraged participants to breathe through it and stick to their timer: “That’s where the rebuilding and recovery happens.”

Setting and Enforcing Boundaries
Karin then moved into the practical work of rebuilding. She emphasized the importance of both setting and enforcing boundaries. “Setting a boundary is like putting a lock on your door,” she explained. “Enforcing it is actually turning the key and locking it.” If you state a boundary but don’t hold others accountable when they cross it, “you’re just making a suggestion, not a change.”

She outlined three key steps:

1. Identify your non-negotiables.
   This is your “property line.” You decide what behaviors can no longer enter your space—being spoken to disrespectfully, having your personal time repeatedly interrupted, or other patterns that erode your wellbeing.
2. Practice saying no.
   This is often the hardest part of recovery. A healthy no is “clear and concise.” As Karin reminded participants, “no is a complete sentence.” It doesn’t need an apology or a lengthy explanation, and it follows the JADE guideline: don’t justify, argue, defend, or explain. When you apologize for a boundary, you send the message that “your needs are less important than their convenience,” she said.
3. Differentiate responsibility.
   This is the “property line rule.” In codependency, people “try to mow everyone else’s lawn.” In recovery, you recognize that your problem to solve is your own feelings and choices. “How someone else feels about your boundary is their lawn to mow.” You can be kind and compassionate, but you cannot be responsible for their reaction.

PILLARS OF RECOVERY: SELF-DIFFERENTIATION & SELF-DEFINITION

Michele introduced self-differentiation as the first pillar of recovery from codependency. Using an image of pawns on the screen, she described how, in codependency, if a group of red pawns tips over, the black pawn “feels like it has to tip over too.” Differentiation is the process of realizing you can stay standing even when the room gets chaotic. It’s “the art of being connected to someone without becoming lost in them or consumed by them.”

In daily life, self-differentiation shows up in at least two key ways:

• Emotional shock absorber: Instead of your mood automatically mirroring someone else’s stress, you remain level. You can notice that another person is having a hard day without it instantly becoming your hard day.
• Healthier support system: Because you’re not drowning in the other person’s emotions, you can offer genuine care while keeping your own values and identity intact.

Michele likened it to caring for a sick partner: if your partner has the flu, you can bring soup and medicine “without having to get sick yourself.” That’s differentiation—you’re close enough to care, but you’ve built the internal “immunity” to stay emotionally healthy.

She then introduced the second pillar of recovery: self-definition. If differentiation is about staying standing, self-definition is about “knowing who you are as you stand there.” In codependency, it’s common to adopt the values, beliefs, and goals of whoever you’re with in order to feel secure. Self-definition reverses that pattern: it’s “the process of building your own identity from the inside out,” defining your own values, beliefs, and goals rather than borrowing them from others.

Michele invited participants to imagine their life as a color palette. For a long time, they may have used only the colors their partner or family liked. Self-definition is realizing they actually prefer a different set of colors. It often starts with small choices—what you want for dinner, how you like to spend a Saturday—and grows into a clearer picture of your own values and long-term goals.

THREE ACTION STEPS TO FOSTER SELF-DEFINITION

Michele then outlined three practical steps to help people actively define themselves: emotional self-awareness, rediscovering yourself, and self-care.

1. Emotional Self-Awareness
   The first step is learning to identify and name your own feelings independently of anyone else’s mood or opinions. Emotional self-awareness means noticing, “What am I feeling?” without immediately referencing what someone else is feeling or needing.

Michele suggested two core practices to support this:

• Journaling – can go beyond the usual pen and paper to include electronic notes, voice recordings, or talk-to-text.
• Mindfulness – being fully aware of the present moment “without judging it,” noticing your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings as they happen.

She noted that mindfulness can take many forms: meditation, prayer, quiet time in nature, or any practice that roots a person in the present. Journaling then helps capture what they notice so they can reflect on it later.

2. Rediscovering Yourself
   Michele described rediscovering yourself as a key part of defining your own values, beliefs, and goals. Over time, codependency can crowd out personal interests and a sense of identity. Reclaiming that space reminds you that you have a life separate from your relationships. Your self-discovery might involve:

• Re-engaging with old hobbies you used to enjoy,
• Exploring new interests, and
• Nurturing friendships.

These choices help people “find [themselves] again” and reinforce the reality that their identity is not limited to how they show up for others.

3. Self-Care
   Michele named self-care as the third action step, “This isn’t a luxury,” she said. “It’s a vital part of learning what you value and believe and setting and achieving your own goals.”

Self-care means committing to a regular routine that prioritizes physical and mental health. It often incorporates healthy sleep, movement or exercise, good nutrition, and quiet time or decompression. Far from being selfish, she emphasized, self-care is necessary—both for sustaining one’s own wellbeing and for building a grounded, internally defined sense of self.

RESOURCES & SUPPORT

Karin turned to where support comes from when someone begins healing from codependency. She named a hard but important reality: the people closest to you may not like the “new you” at first. Friends, family members, or partners may have grown used to—and even depended on—your codependent patterns to meet their wants and needs or make their lives easier. When you begin setting boundaries, they may push back or try to pull you back into old roles.

Because of that dynamic, Karin stressed that having an external support system is vital so you (or your clients) can stay strong in recovery “even when others get upset by their progress.” She highlighted three foundational places to start:

1. Therapy
   Working with a counselor who understands codependency can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to untangle why these patterns formed and how to shift them. Therapy offers guided support for exploring family-of-origin issues, survival strategies, and new ways of relating.
2. Support Groups
   Karin pointed to groups like Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon as “incredibly powerful” resources. In those settings, people discover they are not alone—there is “a lot of relief” in hearing someone else tell a story that sounds like your own. Listening to others name similar patterns can reduce shame and build hope that change is possible.
3. Recommended Reading
   For those who want to go deeper on their own, Karin recommended four books on codependency:

📖The Codependency Recovery Guide by Damian Blair
📖Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
📖Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
📖The New Codependency by Melody Beattie

She noted that the first book on the list, The Codependence Recovery Guide, is the one she and Nyles use when they facilitate codependency recovery groups.

Drawing on her experience facilitating many codependency recovery groups over the years, Karin shared what she has seen firsthand: people who believed they could never change, and people who hadn’t even realized they were codependent, slowly beginning to shift. She has watched participants take “their first tentative starts”—setting a boundary that feels terrifying and actually sticking to it, and seeing stagnant relationships begin to breathe again because one person finally chose to prioritize their own wellbeing. “They rebuilt their foundation one brick at a time,” she said, and she expressed confidence that participants and their clients “can do it too.”

Karin framed it this way: healing “starts with these resources, but it ends with a life that finally belongs to you.”

Q&A

Q&A: HOW TO HOLD BOUNDARIES WHEN THE OTHER PERSON HAS A LEGITIMATE CRISIS?

In response to a question about how to hold boundaries when someone is in a real crisis—such as returning to substance use, experiencing a mental health episode, or facing homelessness—Karin shared from her own experience that crisis is not a reason to drop boundaries, but “the very reason to enforce them.” She explained that she would set clear limits like, “I won’t give you money” or “I won’t let you stay with me,” while still offering support by helping them find resources such as detox programs, mental health facilities, or shelters and providing that information. The next steps—calling, showing up, engaging in help—belong to the person in crisis. Karin acknowledged she couldn’t say if this is the “right” answer for everyone, but in her own story, “when people enabled me, I didn’t get clean. It wasn’t until I had to figure it out on my own, that rehab finally worked for me.”

Q&A: CAN YOU BE CODEPENDENT WITH SOMEONE WHO’S GENERALLY HEALTHY OR DOES IT REQUIRE DYSFUNCTION ON BOTH SIDES?

Michele explained that while codependency often thrives in a “plug and socket” dynamic—where a giver seeks worth through fixing and a taker avoids responsibility—it doesn’t require both people to be unhealthy. However, she suggested that if someone with codependent behaviors enters a relationship with a generally emotionally healthy, interdependent partner, they’re likely to “hit a wall of pushback” instead of being leaned on to solve everything. A healthy partner might say, “I love you, but I’ve got this. Let me handle it myself,” because they value their own autonomy. For the codependent person, that “can feel like rejection,” but Michele framed it as “a huge opportunity for self differentiation.” So while it’s more common for both sides to be unhealthy, a healthy partner can help clarify where one person ends and the other begins.

Q&A: WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE USES FORGIVENESS TO AVOID BOUNDARIES?

Karin responded by drawing a clear line between forgiveness and granting access. Forgiveness, she said, is for you—letting go of bitterness and anger is a healthy part of your own mental health. Granting access, however, is something different: it’s about whether and how someone is allowed to interact with you going forward. When someone uses “forgiveness” or “turn the other cheek” to argue against boundaries, Karin suggested language like, “Turning the other cheek means I won’t seek revenge. I have forgiven you, but I won’t allow this behavior to continue. I’m keeping this boundary in place for my peace. My boundary is not a punishment for you. It is a limit for me.”

Q&A: WHAT DO I DO IF A CLIENT’S PARTNER OR PARENT IS THE ONE TRYING TO FIX THEM?

Michele noted that “we hear situations like this on the After Abortion Line”—partners or parents who feel anxious or uncomfortable with someone’s grief may try to “fix” it, shut it down, or stop them from talking. She framed this as the other person managing their own discomfort and then trying to manage the client. Her suggestion was to coach the client to set a self-definition boundary that gives clear direction about what they need. For example, the client might say, “I appreciate that you want me to feel better, but I need to sit with this grief for a while. You don’t need to try to fix it for me,” and then offer specific alternatives like, “If you really want to support me, it would help if you just sit with me while I cry,” or, “Can you take care of dinner or watch the kids so I can have some quiet time?” Even something like, “Check back with me in a few days,” can create space. This kind of boundary clarifies that the grief is not a problem for the other person to solve, offers a healthy “bridge” for connection, and allows the client to maintain autonomy while still keeping the relationship intact.

Q&A: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING THE LOVE LANGUAGE WORDS OF AFFIRMATION AND CODEPENDENCY?

Karin explained that the concept of love languages—popularized by Gary Chapman—describes how each person most meaningfully receives love. If someone’s love language is words of affirmation, they feel especially loved and connected when others express appreciation or encouragement, whether spoken or written. If those affirmations are missing, they may feel disappointed or less emotionally filled up, but their core self-worth remains intact. Codependency, by contrast, ties a person’s sense of worth to that affirmation: instead of “I love hearing appreciation,” the internal message becomes “I can’t feel okay without it.” The difference is whether affirmation is a meaningful preference—or an emotional necessity that determines whether you feel valuable at all.

© Support After Abortion

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