Letting go after abortion isn’t easy—especially when the past feels like it won’t let go of you. In this honest, story-driven post, discover how personalized emotional healing steps and tools can offer hope, calm intrusive thoughts, and help you break free from regret, triggers, and the weight of your past.
Janelle’s Story: When the Past Still Has a Hold on You
The first time I went to an abortion healing support group I felt like such an imposter. Especially after the first couple of group members spoke. They were both young and their abortion experiences were recent. Their pain was so fresh and raw. I was thinking I didn’t belong. But then the third person who spoke was more like me—she’d been dealing with her abortion experience for two decades. Her story was very different from mine, but I could see how her experience had impacted her in so many ways, and in that, we were similar. When it was my turn to speak, I was shocked to find myself overcome with emotion. I thought because I hadn’t kept my abortion a secret, that meant I had mostly dealt with it. But I realized I had never actually talked about it. Not my thoughts or feelings, not how it continued to affect me. I’ve never told anyone about how my memories will just take over and leave me feeling shattered all over again. In one way, I felt discouraged. So many years had gone by, but I felt like I was at the starting line. But at the same time, I felt relief that I was finally really dealing with it. I was finally taking a real step toward letting go after abortion. – Janelle*
WHY LETTING GO AFTER ABORTION CAN FEEL SO HARD: The Silent Struggles that Keep Us Stuck
If you find yourself struggling to let go of the past, you are not alone. Whether your abortion experiences were a long time ago or occurred recently, it can sometimes feel as if the past has an impossibly tight grip on the present. Letting go after abortion isn’t just about time passing—it’s about finding ways to heal, connect, and move forward. Before we tackle how to shake ourselves free from the past, let’s take a look at why our past can have such a powerful hold on us—especially when abortion experiences are involved.
THE HIDDEN IMPACT OF STAYING SILENT
It’s no secret that abortion is one of the most taboo topics in our society. It’s a subject that divides people, elicits passionately held opinions and equally strong judgments. For those dealing with abortion experiences, there can be a strong motivation to stay quiet. To talk to others about your abortion experiences can mean inviting more trauma into your life, and when you’re already bruised and hurting, who wants more pain? It can feel like the safest route is the quietest route.
HOW EMOTIONS AFTER ABORTION CAN AFFECT THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
Here’s the problem with the “safe” route—it can cut you off from something essential: co-regulation. That’s a fancy term for being able to calm your emotions when you’re with someone who feels safe and steady.
When you’re hurting after abortion, your nervous system can go into overdrive and distress. Maybe you feel anxious, angry, jumpy, afraid, agitated—that’s hyperarousal, the “fight or flight” response. Or, maybe you’re just flat-out exhausted, numb, disconnected, depressed, withdrawn—that’s hypoarousal, the “freeze” response. Either way, it’s your body’s stress response trying to protect you. But when you’re stuck there, you can find it hard to think clearly, feel grounded, or begin to heal. When our nervous system struggles, so do we. And when you’re trying to let go after abortion, those nervous system responses can make everything feel harder.
Sometimes it can feel as if our nervous system is a hijacker, taking us to places we don’t want to go. We didn’t want to be triggered by that commercial featuring babies, we didn’t want to find ourselves immediately out of patience and yelling at a loved one over what seems like nothing. We don’t want to spend all day in bed, endlessly scrolling through our phones. Our distressed nervous system has hijacked the plane and is in the cockpit.
WHEN EMOTIONS AFTER ABORTION FEEL TOO BIG OR HEAVY
That’s where co-regulation comes in—It can be an incredible tool in your healing journey. Co-regulation is what happens when someone else’s calm helps you find your own. It might be a friend who listens without trying to fix anything. It might be someone sitting beside you, offering quiet support while the tears come. It might be the voice of someone on the other end of a helpline. These moments don’t magically fix the pain—but they can help your system settle enough for healing to begin.
If you’ve ever been caught off guard by a wave of emotion—after seeing a baby, hearing a familiar sound, or even walking into a certain room—you’ve experienced a trigger. It’s not just “being sensitive.” It’s your nervous system responding to something that reminds it of past pain. Our Tips for Navigating Triggers webinar dives into why that happens, how to recognize the signs, and what to do when emotions hijack your day.
Want to understand more about what happens when your emotions feel too big—or too far away? Our Window of Tolerance webinar offers simple, practical ways to recognize when your nervous system is in overdrive or shutting down—and what you can do to bring yourself back to a more grounded place. It’s a powerful tool for anyone navigating emotional aftershocks, including those connected to abortion.
Our first step to letting go of the past often starts with this kind of connection—because feeling connected helps calm our distressed nervous system. And once your nervous system settles, it’s easier to get back in the pilot’s seat.
CREATING INNER CALM WHEN YOU’RE NOT READY TO TALK
If you’re thinking, But I’m not ready to talk to anyone yet—There’s still a way to experience something like co-regulation—even on your own.
No matter how long ago your abortion experiences were, the person you are now knows a lot of things the younger you didn’t. You can think back to that younger version of yourself, the one who went through it, and offer yourself what you may not have had then: grace, compassion, and love. After all, who better understands what the younger you went through? You know the experience, the pressures and situations you faced, the thoughts and feelings you had, and how it all felt. So you are uniquely able to give yourself that gift of understanding. That kind of reflection can help create a sense of inner connection. And that connection? It can start to calm your system. So you can begin to heal.
TOOLS FOR LETTING GO AFTER ABORTION: RITUALS, WORDS, AND MEANINGFUL STEPS
Once I found my people in my abortion healing support group, I had more enthusiasm for life than I’d had in years—for about two or three months. But then I realized that even though I was finally talking about my abortion experience in a meaningful way, and I was connecting with others and with my own heart and soul, I wasn’t out of the woods. I was still dealing with intrusive thoughts, still getting triggered by certain images, and still dealing with what I called the “runaway train”—where I’d start thinking about what it would be like if my baby was now 22 and graduating from college and finding a job and on and on. It’s hard to describe how vivid these runaway train thoughts are—basically as vivid as real memories. I had people to lean on, which brought me great comfort, but I guess I’d thought it was going to be like a magic switch where all the bad stuff just went away. I realized letting go after abortion was going to take more than that.
MEMORIALS AND RITUALS THAT SUPPORT HEALING AFTER ABORTION
Human beings have rituals for a reason—they are an incredibly powerful tool that allows us to transition from one state of life to another. From our biggest, most obvious rituals such as weddings and funerals to the detailed routines professional athletes follow on game day, rituals draw a line in the sand—we are moving forward into a new state of being.
Some people healing from abortion experiences choose to memorialize their child. This kind of intentional ritual can become a turning point in letting go after abortion. It can help solidify their understanding of their past, empower them in their conscious choice to let go, and help them envision a future that is free of the burdens they’ve carried. There are many ways you can memorialize your child. This may not be easy, as one client shared:
“In my support group, I learned that having a ceremony of some kind can help with healing. Even though I’d organized and performed many funerals during nearly a decade in pastoral ministry, I struggled to put together something for my daughter. Eventually, I reached out to my best friend who was completely understanding and supportive. We had a ceremony together in the area we grew up in, where everything had happened.”
While the creation of a memorial can bring immediate relief, it can be even more powerful as an ongoing touchstone. When intrusive thoughts and feelings threaten to hijack us, we can make the choice to think back on the memorial, grounding ourselves in that healing experience.
MAKING THE RITUAL YOUR OWN
One woman in a Support After Abortion Keys to Hope and Healing group shared how painful and confusing it was to figure out how to honor her baby. With the support of her group, she chose to bury the remains and placed a small sleeping elephant statue at the site. Inspired by a story in Keys to Hope and Healing about an elephant who still feels chained even after the chain is gone, the statue became a symbol of her healing—a reminder that she’s not stuck. “When I see that elephant, I remember I’m stronger than I think. I can move forward,” she said. Her elephant is one example of how personal rituals can support letting go after abortion.
SMALL STEPS THAT SHIFT YOUR THINKING
In addition to memorializing your child, you can find other rituals that will help you turn the page and break free from the past. For example, keeping a daily journal can help you process your healing journey. Developing a habit of going on a walk can be hugely beneficial, as walking often inspires the kind of thinking that helps you break free from the past. As Anna said, “When I see that elephant, I remember I’m stronger than I think. I can move forward.”
One powerful habit is swapping out negative thoughts with simple, positive phrases. These are sometimes called mantras, and while you can find lots of examples online, the best ones are often the ones you come up with yourself. The word “mantra” comes from Sanskrit and means “mind tool”—something to help shift your thinking. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It could be something as simple as “I am ready.” Ready for change. Ready for good things. Ready to let go of what’s behind you. So when your brain starts spinning on negative thoughts, you can recognize what’s happening—and interrupt it by repeating your phrase: “I am ready.”
Making these rituals your own—with actions or symbols that mean something to you—can be a powerful step forward into your future. The key is to shift how you see things, so the ritual becomes a way to open a window of hope.
CHANGING THOUGHT PATTERNS AFTER ABORTION AND MAINTAINING HEALING
TURNING OFF THE RUNAWAY TRAIN OF THOUGHT
Memorializing my child was definitely a turning point for me, but I still struggled with that “runaway train” of what I called “bad thoughts.” It happened a lot less, and it wasn’t as intense as it had been, but it hadn’t gone away. One of the people in my abortion healing group has a phrase she likes to say—”get curious, not furious.” In other words, if something happens that triggers you, try to figure out why this is derailing you. Well, I got curious about just what this runaway train in my brain was all about, and how I could put the brakes on these destructive thoughts. That curiosity was part of my process of letting go after abortion—learning what was going on underneath the surface. What I learned wound up helping me a lot, and I was able to bring that knowledge back to my group and help others, too.
UNDERSTANDING AND REFRAMING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AFTER ABORTION
Understanding what’s going on and having words for it can help you heal. It makes it easier to talk to others—and to make sense of things for yourself.
Having words for what’s going on—like types of helpful and unhelpful spontaneous thoughts—can make it easier to talk about your experience and make sense of it.
You might notice the same painful thoughts playing on repeat—especially memories or regrets you can’t seem to shake. That’s called rumination, or repetitive negative thinking. Or maybe your thoughts spiral into worst-case scenarios—that’s called catastrophizing. It happens because your brain is in overdrive—stuck in a fear response. No wonder it feels so intense and hard to stop and shift your thinking to something more positive.
This is why it is so important to be kind to yourself if you wind up ruminating over your abortion experience, and even kinder if it evolves into catastrophizing. There is a lot going on in your brain, on a biological level, and it is difficult to overcome. There can be a temptation to beat yourself up over it, with thoughts like, I know I shouldn’t be obsessing over these memories, it just makes everything worse. If you can, try to substitute thoughts like, It makes perfect sense that it’s hard to heal from my abortion experience. My mind is healing. It just takes time.
While it sounds almost too simple to be useful, identifying the types of thoughts you’re having is your first step to breaking these negative thought habits. Reframing, or looking at an old idea in a new way, can be a helpful tool in creating new, positive thought habits.
Sometimes, letting your mind wander—like on a walk or during a quiet moment—can actually help. That kind of open thinking (some call it “flexible-mind wandering”) can spark new ideas, solutions, or even hope. It helps you zoom out and imagine something better.
GETTING TO THE ROOTS: WHAT HELPS REAL HEALING AFTER ABORTION BEGIN
YOU ARE NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU
As I continued my abortion healing journey, I realized my life seemed like a rabbit hole—the deeper I got, the more I became aware of how my past had led to my abortion experiences. Once again, it was one of those moments where I almost felt discouraged, because I’d made a lot of progress, only to find there was so much more to tackle. It’s like I climbed a hill, got to the top, and saw there was now a mountain in front of me. To let go of the past, I needed to go back beyond my abortion experiences and make sense of what had gotten me there in the first place. A friend suggested Unraveled Roots and that has been incredibly helpful. The most liberating thing about getting down to the root of everything is understanding why things unfolded the way they did. That understanding has made it easier for me to come to terms with my past, and in coming to terms with it, make peace with it. I think one of the most important things that I’ve embraced is that I am not my past. All these things that have happened are not my identity. Who I am stands outside all of that. There is a real and true me that was present on the day I was born and will still be present on the day that I die. That real and true me is my identity, not what has happened along the way. Holding on to that truth has been part of my journey of letting go after abortion.
UNRAVELED ROOTS: A RESOURCE TO HELP YOU HEAL AND LET GO
Nothing helps us move toward a better future like understanding what shaped our past. There are resources that can guide you through that process. Support After Abortion’s Unraveled Roots for Women and Unraveled Roots for Men explores four key root issues that often drive emotional and behavioral struggles: abandonment, addiction, abuse, and codependency. For many, that’s the beginning of truly letting go after abortion. While Unraveled Roots was originally created for those impacted by abortion, it’s now helping people from all backgrounds make sense of patterns in their past—and begin to take meaningful steps toward healing and change.
WHY HOPE IS THE KEY TO LETTING GO AFTER ABORTION
It can be so hard to get unstuck. Not just after abortion, but in so many parts of life. Letting go after abortion doesn’t happen all at once—but every step forward counts. We can get stuck in unhealthy patterns, painful memories, difficult relationships, or just the weight of everything we haven’t been able to let go of. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. Sometimes it lasts for years. And in those stuck places, it’s easy to think, If I could just get to the other side of this… maybe something good is waiting for me there.
That maybe—that tiny spark of possibility—is hope.
Hope is what helps us imagine a different future. It’s what makes the hard work of healing feel worth it. Hope invites us to wonder: What would life be like without this weight I’ve been carrying? Who might I become if I didn’t feel so held back by the past?
Hope says you’re worth finding out.
It reminds you that you’re not the only one on this road—and that you don’t have to do it all alone. And even if today feels heavy, it’s still a step closer to tomorrow. And tomorrow holds room for change, for growth, for something new.
*To protect privacy, this story is a fictional representation inspired by real themes and experiences of women who have reached out to us for support. The name “Janelle” is not associated with a specific individual.
© Support After Abortion