INTRO
As we begin this conversation of addressing absent father wounds, Greg Mayo, Men’s Healing Strategist, notes that the important part is recognizing the different definitions of absent fathers and emphasizing that the idea shouldn’t be limited to just being physically absent. Greg shares a quote from John Eldredge, “We often speak of a man who’s done this successfully as a self-made man. The appellation is usually spoken with a sense of admiration, but really it should be said in the same tones we might use of the dearly departed, or of a man who recently lost an arm– with sadness and regret.” He explains that a self-made man can be described as having mastered one part of a man’s life, but when men focus on one particular area, they will falter in others.
IMPACT OF FATHERLESSNESS – STATISTICS
To start, Greg shares from Stats on Fatherlessness published by Life Factors. He begins with a difficult stat of “Three out of four teen suicides occur in a father-absent household.” He recalls back to prior webinars speaking about the high percentage of suicides that are men and the number of suicides of men every day. Greg continues with the statistic that 85 percent of youths grow up in a fatherless home.
Next he shares that 80 percent of rapists come from a fatherless home and report “displaced anger.” He explains that typically when men present anger, fear is behind the anger, and behind that is the true reason for the anger. He connects the relationship between anger and fear with men’s “confusion of not knowing how to do life as a man because they did not have an example from a present father.” Greg continues by stating 71 percent of teen pregnancies happen to teens in a fatherless home.
Greg expresses how the next stat touches a certain side of him: a third of pregnancies in fatherless homes end in an abortion. He shares his story of how it relates to his high school girlfriend and him. At the time of their abortion experience, both were in father-absent homes, although different types – with his father being physically absent while his girlfriend’s father was absent even though he lived in the home. He shares how not having a dad present meant he didn’t have the guidance or the confidence to know the path forward. Neither did his girlfriend or her mother. Which led to the result of an abortion.
WHAT IS AN ABSENT FATHER?
Greg explains what an absent father is using terms from an All Pro Dad article. He says the first one is the obvious – a father who is physically not around. He goes on by saying, there are daily opportunities and lessons that a boy needs to be able to get from his father. “The only way you get those opportunities is by being there,” Greg says. He tells a story his father shared when Greg was an adult illustrating how for a man to be helpful, he has to be there.
Greg moves to the second example of an absent father: the abusive dad. He explains, “We obviously think of physically abusive when we hear the word abusive, but there are other kinds of abusers – verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse” are all variations of an abusive dad.
He proceeds to the third type “demanding or hypocritical dad.” He illustrates the demanding type with a personal experience of a junior high friend getting grounded for not doing a chore perfectly. “He was told to do the dishes, which he did – cleaned up the entire kitchen,” Greg says. “And then he had a bowl of cereal. So when his dad came home from work, there was a bowl and a spoon in the sink. And he got grounded for it. That’s demanding perfection.”
Greg talks about how a hypocritical dad, might criticize an “A” on a test because it isn’t an “A+” or a 100% grade because his son “didn’t get the extra 3% for the bonus question.” Expecting “grade A” quality can cause unrealistic expectations and stress.
Greg says “the shortest way” he can state it is that “other than just being physically absent, it’s being absent in the sense of not providing the whole that a father’s supposed to.”
Greg then presents example number four, the Disneyland or passive dad. He explains that this example wants to be their child’s best friend more than their father. The passive dad that lets kids do whatever just because they don’t want to be seen as the bad guy or the no-fun parent. He states at times they overlap. “That’s definitely an absent father,” Greg says, “because the kid’s not getting the instruction, the guidance, and the leadership that they deserve, need, and want.”
Greg continues by speaking on the “macho dad.” The father may never physically hurt his children, but instead intimidates and scares them with the way he presents himself. He gives a story of a dad who used the alpha male approach towards his kids. “His kids were good. They were in line, but they weren’t good and in line because they understood life and consequences and the balance, but they were in line and good because they were scared to death.” Greg speaks of the generational trauma that can manifest in them that can have effects further down in life.
Finally, Greg speaks on the last example of an absent father: the distracted dad who focuses on his work, sports, events, activities, or whatever else is causing him to not be there for his children with intentionality. The father could also be distracted by his own anxiety, his own depression, his own unhealed wounds.
Greg concludes by stating that there is overlap with each absent father type. “We’re looking at our fathers when we look at this list, and we think about ourselves when we think about this list,” Greg says. “We’ve got to be honest about what we did well and what we didn’t and what we can still improve on. This is the healing journey, this constant pursuit of growth and betterment for ourselves.”
SO WHY DON’T MEN GET THE HELP THEY NEED?
Greg asks the question, “if there’s all these kinds of absent father wounds, why don’t men get the help they need?” He emphasizes that this is a common and frequent question that we continue to search for the answer.
Greg shares that with men, wounds— whether physical or emotional — are often looked at as shameful. He quotes the book Iron John where author Robert Bly talks about how men are conditioned culturally:
“Men are taught over and over when they’re boys that a wound that hurts is shameful.”
“A wound that stops you from continuing to play is a girlish wound.”
“He who is truly a man keeps walking, dragging his guts behind him.
He illustrates this with personal experiences, “How many men on this call, when they were young, got wounded playing some game and were made fun of? Or you saw somebody else get wounded and get made fun of, and you’re like I’m not gonna act like anything’s wrong.” To present the idea of how men put on an act or facade even though they may be hurting deeply just to avoid embarrassment, Greg shared an anecdote from playing basketball with his high school friends where the rule was “no autopsy, no foul.”
When Greg shares the last part of the Bly quote, he asks, “How many guys on the call does this resonate with?” emphasizing the imagery of an injury severe enough a man’s bleeding with his guts hanging out, yet he’ll keep pushing along because men aren’t supposed to show weakness.
Greg concludes this point by saying, “This quote … sums up part of the problem of why men don’t get the help they need.” He asks, “How many men don’t understand that it’s okay to cry? It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel lost and confused and like you don’t understand. And it’s okay to share that with another human being. And we have to change that narrative. A big reason men don’t get the help they need is because they’ve been told not to.”
RECOGNIZING ABSENT FATHER WOUNDS IN MEN
Greg offers suggestions from a Good Men Project article to answer the question, “How do we recognize absent father wounds in Men?” He presents the idea of men instinctively distrusting other men. He tells of the victim mindset and projecting responsibility on somebody else, “I heard a young man and his girlfriend were involved in an unintended pregnancy. And he said to me, I just don’t understand why she did this … I said I don’t know if you’re aware how this works, but you both did this.”
Greg talks about unexplained emotional touchiness or quick temper. He speaks of his personal experience when he identified where his anger came from and how he connected it to his absent father wounds. He never saw himself as an angry person, but he realized as time went on that he had become someone who would just “snap”
BREAKING THE CYCLE
Greg introduces Nyles to speak on the topic of over-masculinity. Nyles presents the connection of over-masculinity to men’s reasons for avoiding healing. “We [men] don’t talk about our feelings. We don’t talk about our thoughts because at the end of the day, we’re supposed to shut up, do what we’re supposed to do,” Nyles says. “Dragging our guts doesn’t have to just follow with just physical wounds, but also our emotional and mental burdens and struggles that we deal with, as well.”
He uses this thought to present that the example Greg used earlier of “dragging our guts” isn’t just physical pain, but understanding that men will contain their emotional and mental struggles because the feeling of being exposed or vulnerable is weak.
Nyles speaks of his personal experience of being an athlete growing up and the ideology that was forced upon him by his coaches that as a man, you have to fight through and carry a persona that nothing is wrong with you no matter how much a man is struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically. “No matter if you have a bad day, you have to separate what happens off the field or court from all your problems,” he said.
Nyles speaks of when he was going through his personal abortion experience and how over-masculinity was shown during his time of struggle. “I held mine in,” he said. I was going to class. I was talking to coaches. I had friends always asking if everything’s okay with me. Put a smile on my face and walk through it. But at home, I felt alone. I felt like I had nobody to talk to. And I really felt like there was nowhere for me to really express myself.”
He shares that even though he was in one of the lowest parts of his life and he had all these emotions pinned up, he still wouldn’t talk about them. He continues by talking about his realization of his over-masculinity, ”I actually broke down in the middle of football practice, cried in front of all my teammates, coaches, and told everybody, I quit. I was about to give up my dream of playing college football because I couldn’t handle the burdens of my abortion experience. “
Nyles encourages every man to speak up because men shouldn’t hold back their feelings of struggle and loneliness to carry a facade of being “Superman.” He emphasizes this by saying, “We are regular people with emotions and feelings, and we should be able to express those clearly” regardless of gender.
Nyles continues by telling how his breakdown and vulnerability changed the culture of the team. He expresses how afterwards, his coaches began speaking about mental health more and even started bringing mental health therapists to speak to his team. Nyles emphasizes how just getting the conversation started and becoming vulnerable could have helped others who were struggling who may not speak up themselves. His coach personally took on the challenge to “break the cycle of over-masculinity” in men.
Greg reflects, “That’s an example of how you lead, how one leads by their example…Because you feel like you’re either going to get mocked, made fun of, that’s not who you’re supposed to be. But then you let it out. And you find out that, no, other guys, they do care, they are compassionate, they do want to help you”
Nyles agrees and connects that men becoming wrapped up in daily life to avoid emotions and working on their feelings is one example that can make a man an absent father. Without even realizing it in the moment, a man can become the opposite of the parent he imagined for himself.
Greg rounds out the conversation by stating, “Men think differently, and they do this differently and do that. I’m learning that men need to be given permission, Hey, you know what? If you’re feeling something, say something.” He encouraged men to speak to someone. It might be a mental health professional, or perhaps a trusted friend, men’s groups, or family member.
4×4 QUESTION METHOD
Greg introduces the 4×4 question method as a way to learn about a man and describes how it is effective. He uses the example of how to find out more about a man’s absent father wound even if the man is most likely not going to share. He explains the method stating “It’s simply four questions wide, four deep. You ask a question, and his answer leads to the next question.”
Greg says, “People want a framework, like a map of – What do I do? Tell me every step.” But, he explains that the 4×4 method is “instructions on how to read a map, then you figure out the path.” He emphasizes, “You have to be non-judgmental, curious, and truly listen,” then he will tell you what his father wound is.
He later on dives into the method even more starting with a simple greeting. “A guy comes in, and he’s wearing a Notre Dame t-shirt. I could ask him, Hey, you an Irish fan? Do you follow football? “ He says by asking those questions, you can find out what team he likes, what sport he likes, and all that kind of stuff. He then monologues a role play showing how to “take that and work it into healing.”
HOW DOES HEALING BEGIN?
Greg presents the question, How does healing begin? He mentions that question is frequently asked. He shares an anonymous quote, “An absent father can make a child feel like they’re wandering through a maze without an exit. But the beauty of life is that there is always a way out. You just have to keep moving forward, even when the path is unclear.”
Greg emphasizes his love for the quote because of the simplicity and truthfulness. He says that healing begins with taking a step. “You start, you have to make the decision that, Hey, you know what? I need healing, and I’m going to go find out what it looks like and how to do it.”
STEPS TO BEGIN HEALING A FATHER WOUND
Greg discusses the steps of healing a father wound outlined in an article from Hardin Life Resources starting with the first step, which is to acknowledge and uncover the wound. He expands on this step, by saying that it seems simple, but different recovery, healing sources, and entities all begin with acknowledgement.
Greg recalls his own personal experience with the first step: “A therapist encouraged me to write a letter to my dad about all the things I was feeling…I took the step. I acknowledged the wound.” He shares that a few weeks later, he and his father had a long conversation about it, and “because of that, from that day up until he died just over two years ago now, we had one of the closest relationships you can ever hope for. Was there still a wound there? No, it healed. There’s still a scar. It still had a ripple effect. But the point is we found healing. I found healing. And that was the first step.”
Greg moves to the next step of validating men’s feelings. He mentions he knows a lot of men feel uncomfortable or put off by mentioning “validating feelings”. He says, “validate your feelings: I feel sad. I feel like I missed something. I feel hurt. I feel wounded, abandoned, left out, whatever you’re feeling, acknowledge it.” He says that by validating the man’s feelings, “they realize it’s a valuable feeling.” It’s an authentic sentiment that can shape a man’s life thoughts and emotions.
Greg continues expanding on the next step: imagining a good father. He simplifies this step by saying, “It’s not the power of positive thinking or anything like that, it’s simply imagining what a good dad would have looked like.“ He mentions how he applied it to his life and fathering when it came to his decisions, he made them based on what he would have wanted from his father if he was around. Greg highlights that imagining a good father is a valuable exercise and can bring the realization that “some things we thought were really bad about our dad really weren’t.” They were good fathers even with their mistakes.
Greg proceeds to the next step of grieving the loss. He states, “There is simply no form of healing or recovery” that does not include grieving. Greg recalls how he felt watching the movie Inside out. “For the first half of it, the one that represented sadness drove me nuts. I had this real visceral reaction to this character, right? But then, as you go on through the flick, what you find out is that those emotions have value. They have a place. They exist for a reason, right? It can’t always be joy. And so I began to see the value in that.” He compares this to grieving and how nobody wants the pain that comes with it, but he communicates that “if you walk through the grief, then you will find a different level of healing…and if you don’t walk through the grief …the grief will continue to hold you back.
Greg offers the idea to anyone with faith that another step would be to give your absent father wound to God. Greg references again John Eldridge’s book Fathered by God that makes the point, “Whatever you missed from your father, will be provided by God.”
Greg introduces the final step of healing a father wound as forgiving your father. He says this step was crucial for him. “I forgave my dad. We could not have had a relationship that we did otherwise. My kids wouldn’t have had the relationship they did with him, had I not forgiven him.” Greg explains that his father never forgave his own father and his father regretted that they never reconciled. Greg concludes this point by saying, “Forgiveness is not an emotion. It’s a decision. And sometimes one that has to be made regularly.”
CLOSING
In wrapping up, Greg encourages providers to fully engage in the process when working with men. By understanding “what a father wound is, how it impacts guys and families, and how to help heal it, and how to recognize it,” we can begin to “unpack these things in a deliberate way.” He urges providers to “really open it up, ask questions, be a good listener, and remain curious.” This approach might help us understand men better, he explains, and support their immediate needs, which might differ from our expectations.
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